I totally take it back.

While I can see that things will come up that I will blog about here, I’m really getting comfy over at the new blog.

So please do leave a comment with your email address in the body of the comment, or your twitter handle, if you would like the address.

Thanks!

A whole new game.

Now, don’t panic: I’m keeping this blog.

But I’ve also started another one I’m happy to let you have the address for.

I get stuck easily, though. That’s why I’ve not been writing here. Because I’ve been thinking about my desire to stop being anonymous on the internet, particularly after a (short) string of paid writing work, and I knew I wanted to start a new blog, but I just hit pause in  my mind.

TMD took the kids out today for a couple of hours, and I spent the time on my arthritic laptop setting up the basic features on a new blog. I have exactly one post up. It’s all self conscious and assholey because I wasn’t necessarily in THE MOOD to write, but I needed to get something out because otherwise I don’t think the pause button would ever be unpaused.

Other things on pause: my vulva. Consultant dermatologist reckons I’ve got some weird skin infection that can cause brown spots on the vulva. Yeah, really. She’s given me steroids and I have to apply cream twice a day, steroids once. It’s like I’m Snort with skin problems, except….well, not. Anyway, I go back in three months. If the spots are still there, then they get chopped off and biopsied. GOOD TIMES.

Okay.

Back to the other blog stuff.

I’m worried about it. I’m worried about writing about how awesome I think unschooling is, because I don’t want to alienate or hurt friends with kids in school. Which is TOTALLY RIDICULOUS because I am not offended when these people write about how good school is for their kids, so  maybe I should stop worrying.

But how can I tell you the new address? It is myrealnameincludingmiddlename.wordpress.com

So I guess if you are my facebook friend, you may know my full name? Or if you followed me on twitter @existere, that links to my new real name twitter account, which links to the blog.

OR you leave a comment here with your email address and I’ll email you the address of the new blog. It has pictures of faces on and everything. Don’t feel embarrassed to get in touch even if you never have before. I had one other blog before this one, and it was much more widely followed. I closed that blog so I could write about my experiences working as a therapist on this one, and issued a similar call for comments and email addresses. And you know, I met some interesting people. Many people were just a ‘Hi, here’s my new blog address’ sort of thing, but some? Some were more. It was nice.

Catch you on the flip side.

Vibing.

Scary vulva appointment today. I’m …well, scared.

But also looking forward to a bit of alone time.

Ah, our dual natures.

Send me good vibes.

How have YOU been?

Finding it hard to get going this morning. We are due at a friend’s house at 11. It’s almost nine and I’m still naked, albeit not technically as I have a fluffy robe on.

So much going on at the end of this week and all next week – snort’s annual allergy thing, my crazy vulva appointment, two pottery classes, friends, new boiler which apparently necessitates FIL staying here for a week (goodbye naked mornings, my friends), etc. And another tooth went haywire, so the kids had another opportunity to observe dental work, x rays, chat with the dentist.

The big tasks make me tired. Because I’d love a run of a few days of nothing, where we could just luxuriate in being slugs. It’s the little things that exhaust me – packing lunches, medication, brushing teeth, etc.

I don’t know how we don’t seem to have time to do everything would like – like a weekly swim, because DUDE. I don’t work, the kids aren’t in school, and we managed to spend the afternoon yesterday in my bed watching a movie. Life feels very full, and for the kids I think their most absorbing moments are when they are deep in play, either alone or with each other. More and more I am called over for incidentals – untangling string, snapping in a tricky bit of Lego, etc – but they can play with their minds, the world, rocks, concurs, toys for ages.

Not sure where this post is going, but I suspect it is a great way to procrastinate taking a shower and making packed lunches.

In other news, I just discovered the Goodbin Bynto boxes online. Snort wants red, Coco wants yellow but will settle for green. I have to order the green from abroad, and somehow it is cheaper to pay international shipping than to just order from the actual website for our area. But of course abroad doesn’t sell red. BASTARDS.

This is a first world problem, a first world ramble, but so help me god, as soon as TMD gets paid I want to get these boxes. I totally want the pink one for ME. And the stickers. And one for TMD.

The end.

The prodigal daughter.

I haven’t disappeared.

Rather, things are changing. I don’t know how to explain it, because on the surface nothing has. Except, I suppose, the kids are now officially home educated, which is quite a big deal – and also not, because it means we just carry on as we are.

I’ve opened a new blog. I’m tired of being anonymous. I want pictures with heads on, I want you to know what my name is, I want to connect more easily with people.

I don’t have any posts on the new blog yet, but will direct you folks over to it when I do. I’ll probably keep this blog, too.

I don’t know. I’m half decision making, half just living in the now. More immersed. But as winter comes, so does a different rhythm.

I AM on twitter under my real name. I’ve linked to it from my existere account, which is now private. So you can find me there, or alternatively, leave a comment below with your email address and I will give you my new twitter handle.

I’ve found it hard to go from a fast paced twitter life with lots of friends to trying to rebuild a community for myself, but decided it was harder to keep the same account but erase all references to anonymity.

I find NOT being anonymous sort of tricky, because it has been so easy to talk about poop and mooncups and penis infections, but I’m finding my way.

I miss you guys.

Vulcas r us.

I told the doctor today that since we don’t own a hand mirror, I tried to use my iPad to check out my labia. (Wonder how much google traffic that little nugget will bring. Ha.)

Apparently it’s not just the one ‘pigmented lesion’ as I have one on the other side, too.

Likely to be nothing, but am being referred to vulvar specialist. They have microscopes that can examine shit while it is still attached to your body, and will do a biopsy if necessary, to check for pre cancerous changes.

I know it is highly unlikely to be anything. But I still won’t completely relax till after seeing the specialist, which is probably in about a month’s time.

FUN.

Lots of things are more historic than a new famous baby.

A lot of historic things have happened in the last week. Marriage equality has happened here. TMD and I went away alone for a night. The kids’ adoption went through – we had no idea till today. But after almost exactly four years, the kids finally have two legal mothers.

And another thing. I wore skintight cropped leggings on the past two evenings for my walk. That shit is something I never thought I would say.

They are so gross but SO COMFORTABLE.

I am trying to reemerge, folks. These nightly walks have literally taken all my time and energy. It is a big commitment. I have a rest when TMD gets home, because my days can be tiring but also because it is currently hotter than the sun, then go on late night walks and come home and write a bit about them.

Oh, the sheer rocky ride of finding the discipline to go out every single night. It has been a tough settling in period, and even now, on day thirty four, I wouldn’t say I’ve settled. I have missed three nights – two due to pelvis problems, one due to a cat slashing my fucking toe open – but I am getting there.

More and more I am thinking about starting a more public blog. I miss posting pictures with heads, real names, being more easily able to connect with people who live near me. I hung out with a good friend I met courtesy of this blog earlier in the week and we discussed this a bit.

I have often started ‘niche’ blogs, only to drop them because I like writing about all of life. So I think a new blog would be like this, but with more personal details…and less ranting about family members. Something to think on. And whether I’d keep this blog going, which I think I might.

It’s a dramatic week. Snort’s collarbone is still causing him pain, I’ve found a brown itchy spot on my labia, of all places, and we both have doctor appointments Thursday. The kids also danced on a stage in front of 7000 people, which was awesome, and I got to hang out with a friend ALL BY MYSELF AT NIGHTTIME. Another historic thing.

Overwhelmed.

I’m sorry I haven’t written. In a way, this challenge of walking thirty minutes a day is taking over. It sounds silly, but I have a quick rest in the evenings, then walk, then write about walking. Then, blessed sleep. So I am over on the Facebook page I mentioned in the last entry. Please come like it because I think I am hitting the point where i need lots of encouragement! Drop a comment here if you can’t find it. And if you are on there, leave a message on the wall telling me who you are and I’ll befriend you from my real Facebook account.

The next thing?

Snort broke his collarbone today. I don’t have too much energy left after today, so perhaps I will write more tomorrow, but wtf. Poor kid. He’s totally happy and mostly fine, and was SO HAPPY he got to have x rays. It was like all his Disneyland dreams came true. You’ve never seen someone more geeked about a trip to the hospital.

He wasn’t so pleased when it happened, and thank god my friend Lauren was there. He was hurting so much he didn’t want to walk, so he got to ride in Jazz’s pushchair back to the car. But that’s it for now. More soon. Hope you are all well…

I miss you.

The theoretical becomes possible.

So, the Supreme Court overturned the Defence of (heterosexual) Marriage Act. I think this means we could all theoretically move to Country A, at least as soon as marriage equality passes in law here. Then our civil partnership could be ‘upgraded’ to a marriage. And then, as far as I understand, the federal government of Country A would have to legally recognise our marriage and we would have a legal leg to stand on if we wished to immigrate.

If I have that wrong, someone please enlighten me.

I read a few minute ago about a binational couple – one was in the midst of being deported when the SCOTUS ruling came out, and the judge immediately stopped the proceeding because, lo and behold, this couple was legally married in a right on state, and therefore entitled to federal benefits…including immigration. Big stuff.

Of course, the rest of the dominos need to fall, the rest of that country needs marriage equality otherwise it is all a colossal head fuck, but still.

This brings real questions about our life up. I have dual citizenship, as do the children. So we could move elsewhere without any legal hassle if we wanted to move back.

But moving to Country A would require such a lifestyle overhaul. I’d probably have to be the one to work while TMD stayed home. We would have to move to a gay friendly state, namely worrying about insurance. Over here, everyone has ‘free’ healthcare. I could break my leg tomorrow and not have to worry about how today for x rays or painkillers. As far as I understand, some states (and most companies) do not allow benefits for same sex partners. Does the ruling stop this? What is the reality of insurance in that country? I’ve never been a real adult there, so I don’t know.

Home education would be protected in the areas we would ever consider moving to. So that isn’t an issue.

But JOBS.

Let’s be real, I know what field I would be ready to step back into….though I’d prefer TMD to do it….but it is an incompatible job for married people with a family. Totally time consuming and all encompassing.

I like our lifestyle here. I think moving across the planet is a huge undertaking, even when you are moving back to a country you have lived before. People move on, things change, and when you have lived abroad since your early twenties, well, there’s a lot to learn.

I’d love to live near my family, but I love living here.

I don’t think my mother understands the SCOTUS ruling or the implications. It’s always been easy to try to fob off the guilt trips, considering my relationship had no legal status in Country A. I have a bit more buffer time until the marriage equality law changes here, but the process has already started and it is only a matter of time. Once we are legally married, and Country A is forced to recognise that marriage, well…..no longer am I an exile. No longer do I HAVE to choose between my wife/family and my birth country.

But you know what, this is my country, too. My home.

No matter where we live, one of us will be far from family. I don’t doubt we would figure things out, probably be very happy in either place. But man, what a lot to think about.

Linky loo.

There is now a 30-365 page on the ol’ social network site we all know and love. I will be posting every day’s walk up there, along with the odd picture, etc. Feel free to search and add! Think the actual site link ends with thirty365. Hope to see you there!