Archive for the ‘weight loss’ Category

30-365 THREE

June 21, 2013

The only thing I thought tonight’s walk would have going for it was that I was wearing sandals, shorts, and a sweatshirt. Such a summer’s evening outfit, I thought, even as I stifled a yawn and cursed having to leave the house. I planned on an amble, taking it easy as I’m sore from yesterday.

Well, I didn’t count on the storm system that was blowing in. The wind was cold and fierce, and at one point I realised I was leaning into it and it was holding me. I went along to the woods/meadow I walked in the first night, hoping for shelter, and you know what? It was AWESOME. The wind was whipping the leaves of all the trees upside down, so they looked all silvery. The grasses in the meadow were rippling violently and it was just beautiful. That wind blew a smile onto my face, and I swear I opened my arms up and just smiled so wide I thought my face would crack in half.

On the way home, the wind dropped and I actually felt disappointed. In the stillness I noticed how achey my legs were – it would be a lie to say they weren’t – but then I realised I was thinking about my legs. Muscle aches. I didn’t even notice my pelvis. And that was the greatest gift the absent wind gave me. I felt like the old me, the ‘normal’ me, who was feeling the same aches and pains any other able bodied person might feel.

You’d better believe I smiled even bigger then, and the wind kicked up again just as I did. It was perfect.

30 minutes, 3.2 mph, 1.64 miles

30-365 TWO

June 21, 2013

30-365 TWO

Woah nelly. Decided to wear proper trainers with the orthotics I was prescribed before I was disabled. Big. Mistake. Back of my pelvis was so sore I wondered how I was going to get home at one point – but being alone on a cycle track in the middle of nowhere, the only person who could rescue me was me.

Glad I went. Yesterday I walked on a path I’d never been on, through stunning meadows and trees. Today I walked on a new path, surrounded by trees by right alongside a very busy road that slashed through countryside and rolling hills. Lots of thinking about how nature and people function alongside.

Walked a very sweaty and painful 36 minutes, 3.4 mph, 2.07 miles.

Onward and upward, and thanks to Carrie for the motivation YouTube link this morning!

What I just posted on Facebook. (30/365 ONE)

June 19, 2013

I remember how I felt that evening two years ago when I walked fifteen minutes without any assistance. I dubbed it ‘the summer I would learn to walk again,’ and after two years full time in a wheelchair, and still on crutches every day, it seemed a big task.

I developed symphysis pubis dysfunction during pregnancy, and I still have it – along with the resultant arthritis – today. But I haven’t used a wheelchair in a year, though I’ve had a handful of days where I couldn’t walk. I’ve only used crutches on less than ten occasions.

Today I start a new goal – thirty minutes of walking every day for the next 365 days. Walking can be substituted with a DVD, class, etc. I may have to be flexible in cases of severe relapse or illness, but would prefer to swap walking for meditation or stretching on those occasions.

These thirty minutes have to be separate from whatever other activity I may have done that day – like walking miles at the seaside today and being sore before I even went out this evening!

I’m doing this for head space, for time to rediscover me, to work on my next novel, to explore my neighbourhood, to get more healthy – and I guess, I’m doing this because I’m just so grateful I can. After being told I may be in a wheelchair for life, after finally coming close to coming to terms with daily, chronic pain, I can walk. I don’t want to forget how amazing that is.


So here is where you come in. I’m posting this publicly because I need support. I know my motivation will flag and I will want to give up. I need likes and comments and support. I won’t flood your news feeds and I will never write a status this long again, but I WILL post every day.

Today is day one. I walked for 33 minutes, 2 mph, for 1.11 miles.

Nothing says awesome like day18, 19, or 20 of my menstrual cycle.

December 10, 2012

I gained three pounds on holiday. Not too bad, considering I found out they had Oreo milkshakes on offer.

Not too bad until you consider that when numbers go up on the scale, I get in a funk and usually lose motivation for a week. So, yeah, I gained three pounds this week, too. Pretty awesome, hey? In two weeks I managed to undo all the weight loss of the previous five weeks! Score! And then I stopped writing here because I was embarrassed.

My preperiod crazies were in full force last week, which contributed to my inability to stay on track. They probably also contributed to a rageful frenzy of unfriending relatives on Facebook (after months and months of just ignoring ongoing criticism I decided it was better to avoid them online).

But it also contributed to my making a big point of reaching out to much loved and longlasting friends, and I talked on the phone, skyped, texted, emailed to my heart’s content. We also met up with Lauren and her daughter (actually, that was a day or so before the crazy really kicked in!), which was nice and a reminder of how busy and fun days can be when you leave the house for day long epic adventures.

I also spent some time yesterday creating new home education picture thingies, one of which is BEAUTIFUL but I won’t post here as you can see the kids’ butts. I’ve also started the Christmas stockings, which look nice and have given me something to focus on in the off moments when I am not shoving food in my mouth. Ha.

But tomorrow…

Tomorrow is a big, big day.

Aussie is coming to our house with Walnut and her new baby, who has not been nicknamed by me yet. They are visiting from Australia and staying at our house until Saturday night!! We cannot wait. I also can fit ALL of us comfortably in my car, so that’s cool. Secretly Aussie and I are hoping the three older kids keep each other distracted away from us, the long suffering adults, so we can hide and drink tea. Her baby can just stay attached to her boob, so that means she and I can PARTY.

You know, when we aren’t actually paying attention to our gaggle of three year olds. It will be such a relief and joy to see her.

14 st 5. 41 pounds lost! And musings on disappearing disability.

November 25, 2012

Two pounds lost this week, though if I’m honest this has been the hardest week so far to control my eating. I’m falling back into my chocolate-salt-chocolate love affair, albeit with much smaller portions. But it is a bad slope, a hard to control slope, and one better avoided. I am sure it’s not a coincidence that I got my first headache yesterday since this new determination of weight loss (now many weeks have I been doing this? Someone please tell me. Maybe four?).

Tomorrow we go away on holiday. This will be tricky. When I was in weight watchers before I remember the leader saying we had three choices on holiday: still lose weight, relax a little and aim to maintain weight, or go fucking crazy because you are on holiday and just lose the weight when you get home. He said all three were valid choices. I think I will aim for number two.

I am still strongly in the mindset of getting this weight off. Interestingly, my knees have started to hurt. Bowen therapy is doing such amazing wonders for my pelvis (this new lady I have is like a miracle worker) that I think my body is starting to allow me to feel other pain that the hardcore pelvis pain has drowned out. I remember how good it felt to be at a good weight. I remember the total absence of hip and knee pain. I remember how good it was to walk into any shop and be able to find something cute, in my size, in minutes.

And, damnit, I remember wearing overalls/dungarees. Over here no one wears them, except perhaps butch lesbians?, but I wore them. And I miss them! Not sure I could wear them in public again, but oh…..I want to return to dungaree living.

I remember it all and I want that again. The freedom of movement, the comfort of clothes, the lack of pain. I was emailing, uh, Lady, and said to her that I still can’t believe I’m not in that wheelchair. In my mind, I remember the total emotional pain and complete inability to walk. It lingers. Yet I’m still surprised to see a picture of me in a wheelchair almost a year after they were born. In fact, the last time I used a wheelchair was only this past March.

I still have physical pain, still have days where walking is tough and scary, but I also get glimpses of my old life. My life pre disability: the particular way I used to cross my legs, ankle to knee, when I sat. Wearing a crossbody bag. I do these little things again, mostly without noticing or thinking about it. And it makes me wonder about a third life, a post disability life. Is that possible? Can it be possible?

I’ll always have the arthritis from the SPD. I’ll always need to return to Bowen therapy to help maintain my careful, still very new, balance. I’ll always be getting older, one day at a time, with bad genes that tend toward knee replacements and lower back pain.

But. But.


On the pendulum of pain, life, joy….is it possible to swing ever closer to the side of my old physical capabilities, away from the extremes of not walking and wheelchairs? For the first time in years, a small part of me really believes the answer is yes.

14 st 7 very late update!

November 21, 2012

Sunday weigh in said I was the same as last week. I was cool with that, having lost three pounds last week. When I lost weight before, I would often hold steady for the week after a big loss. I think it was my body’s way of evening things out.

Yesterday, though, was a crazy stressful day. It wasn’t just the endless hospital trip to get Coconut’s cast off, but a huge host of other trips, mostly frantic, soaking wet, and unplanned. By the end of the day I caved and got pizza. I ate a lot then. And four pieces today.

However I’ve pulled myself back from the edge. Despite being stuck in an hour and a half traffic jam today, and despite the frantic half hour search for Snort’s missing Cars characters at a friend’s house, I did not take the easy way out and get fast food for tea. Making Snort and Coconut dinner now, and as TMD is working late I will eat with her when she gets home.

Let’s hope Pizzagate does not make me gain, as ideally I’d still like to lose this week!

I’m not using these past two days as an excuse to give up. No, back on the horse we go. Long term, sustainable weight loss means always getting right back on that four legged beast of fun.

Non sunday weight loss update.

November 15, 2012

TMD just found me some cream to put on, so I could try to combat last night’s itch-a-thon from happening again. I put cream everywhere (sigh, and yes, my legs are starting to itch) and we were just talking.

Then she stopped and just looked at me, naked and akimbo and unglamourous.

‘Have you lost weight?’ she said. ‘It looks like weight is just falling off of you.’

This means a lot on a day where I literally had to keep reminding myself not to eat when I wasn’t hungry. Yes, I was stressed. Hulk stressed. It took major force of will to not crack and just shove my face with food.

It’s also a reminder to stay focused, as yesterday and today I found things very difficult. I need to keep on keeping on.

14 st 7. Three pounds down this week

November 11, 2012

I’ve now lost 39 pounds and over 16% of my body weight. This is a familiar number to me, this 39 pounds lost. When we get into the forties, we are in an emerging and new territory. I don’t particularly feel like I have lost weight or look like it (meaning recent weeks since I got started again), but five pounds isn’t that much when you have a lot to lose. I think I’m at about the halfway point….but only if I decide to be that thin again.

However, my head is different. I’ve never been a headache person, but have had whomping headaches from pregnancy till now. The last year I’ve probably had a headache every single day, sometimes bad enough to make me vomit. I’ve also been very low energy and enthusiasm.

TMD has started doing awesome cooking in the evenings, leaving me with filling and delicious vegan foods for the following day. Largely curries that are so good they make my saliva glands happy. This means a large part of cooking is cut out of my days, which dramatically changes the way I eat. There are lots of beans and pulses in the foods, and I have completely cut out bullshit foods. The only snacks I have had are seeds, fruit, or cereal.

And I feel GREAT. This is my fourth or fifth day in a row with NO trace of a headache. This beggars belief. I also have been staying up later, rising earlier, and having enough energy to make it through most days without wanting to collapse into a heap sometime soon are lunch.

So all of that is fantastic. And I am definitely in the weight loss mindset I was in last TMD when I lost loads of weight, which is even better.

I’ve also started reading the food and mood handbook. Interesting stuff, but possibly not for you if you don’t like science type stuff. I have been eating good mood food, courtesy of TMD, and I have to say I hope she keeps cooking, because things are so much better on many fronts.

14 st 10

November 5, 2012

One pound down this week, and a pound honestly earned. Tis good.

Would write more but it is two am and I am typing with one finger. Coconut has virtually not slept since breaking her arm, and tonight is no exception. It’s awful listening to her sob.

14 st 11, would Mickey approve? Also, I need deadlines in all areas of life. No exaggeration

October 28, 2012


This is me, about six years ago on our very belated honeymoon in Disney World. It marks the second time in my life I wore a bikini. The first was when I was about ten. It was a tight hot pink and orange number, and I was on a boat with my family and our friends. I felt uncomfortable and like the thing was going to fall off the whole time. As a teen, I looked back at that picture and remembered viscerally how uncomfortable I felt. I don’t know whether I thought I looked good, or too chunky.

When I look at the above picture, taken on a waterproof crappy camera, I feel a lot. Freedom, sunshine, laughing, bliss. I also think I looked awesome. This trip to Disney happened to mark the end of my eighteen month journey at Weight Watchers. I’d lost fifty four pounds and felt terrific. I bought two different bikinis and felt so confident and happy. We have lots of pictures of us on waterslides and in wave pools and my face just glows in them all.

It is not a coincidence that the trip landed at a time when I had just hit my goal weight (11 st 10). No, I knew the trip was going to happen and I used it as a deadline.

A couple of days ago, my mom brought up the possibility of us all going to Disney next September, which happens to be seven years exactly after the above picture was taken. (How do such large chunks of time pass by?) So once again, I have a trip to Mickey’s Florida home as a deadline, though I am realistic. Last time I lost weight slowly, steadily, and very consistently. I may not have lost every week, but I never gave myself a week off. Never.

A small part of me hates myself for saying I will lose weight by Disney, when I never lost it for having a new baby. A bigger part shrugs, accepting, and says what is done is done and cannot be undone. No point in beating myself up, not when weight loss will require much courage and self love. Hard work.

Last time TMD did all our meals at home, and she often packed me healthy lunches as well. I was working so was not around food all the time. My job also required me to spend a good portion of my day walking through inner city __________, which involved dodging the crowds, speed walking, and a few particularly funky hills. This time I do all the food. I hate cooking, and often feel panic. What will I eat? When will I eat? This is why I reach for convenience foods, because they are so much easier when you are tired and cannot cook.

But it would be nice to have a new swimsuit. Red, I think. It would be nice to have more energy and less aches so I could keep up with the kids as they run around Disney in that hot, hot sun.

This last week I got some very scary news from back home. The sort of news that makes me wonder about trying, again, to figure out how we could possibly navigate the rough waters of immigration and relocation. When I got off the phone, I started eating and did not stop. I could not stop, even when I ended up unpleasantly ass sick as a result. Nothing stopped the eating until the casual mention of Disney, so I latch onto that. Seven or eight months to focus myself on something positive, while quiet worries and the realisation of time passing by try so hard to drag me under.

I have no printer, but really want to find a way to print out the original picture from this post. A few copies. So I can keep looking at it, knowing that no matter how hard it is, I KNOW I can lose this weight because I did it before. The circumstances have changed, but at the core I hope my inner strength and self belief is still there waiting for me and the possibility of a new swimsuit.