Posts Tagged ‘wishlist’

Nothing to see here.

February 26, 2012

I am a boring old lady who wants to use a card file to organize our home. Let’s blast past that.

I’ve been googling about six hours. Index card guides (ie index cards with little tabs on the top) that have tabs that are blank, numbered 1-31, or have the months on them DO NOT EXIST IN THIS COUNTRY. 

We have a-z ones. Guess which ones I DON’T have a need for?

The fucking index card distributor sell the blank, numbered, and month ones in just about every country. Except here.

Oh, you bitchly office supply people. Not all of us want to be technological. SOME of us can’t even afford Sidetracked Home Executives (the book the card system comes from) and just want some 3×5 index card goodness. Why must you penalize us for living here, ironically one of the most anal and organized places on the planet?


Rant over. (But my tears, they are just beginning. They are magical rectangular tears with tabs of the appropriate style.)

My family matters.

October 26, 2009

What do you want me to say? I could write a right on political statement about why gay rights are worth fighting for, but it’s nothing you haven’t read before. Nothing you don’t already agree or disagree with.

Step into my life for one day, one morning, one instant.

I stare down at my two ten week old babies, and I pause. My heart aches. My family matters. We are worth it. My children have two moms, and I believe they are all the luckier for it.

I can’t believe that people are fighting in courts, running campaigns, debating civil rights. It just doesn’t make sense to me. What’s NOT to embrace? Our babies poop, we like to tickle them, we all love each other.

Yet we aren’t recognised in the country I was born in. My children and I are citizens of that country, and yet we couldn’t move there and bring their Mum with us. We are nervous stepping off the plane when we arrive there, and it makes me feel small and nervous and ANGRY.

We are living on the other side of the world from my family, and this is because I choose our family over the family I was born into – and there shouldn’t have to be a choice.

My children deserve to grow up in a world where all people are celebrated. Fuck acceptance or tolerance – we ARE all different, it’s stupid to pretend we aren’t, and it’s even stupider to not realise how powerful that makes us as people. How much we have to learn, how much we have to experience. How much stronger our own communities could be, and how much stronger we could all be if we joined together.

As that country debates gay marriage, laws that could impact immigration, people are angry…on both sides. While the storm rages on, people are embarassed, outraged, empowered, impotent, strengthened, saddened, surprised.

And here I sit, with two babies who laugh in their sleep, have full tummies, light up when they see their Mummy is home from work, who watch everything we do with intense concentration. I look at these two little people and my heart clenches. They are worth being brought up in a world that won’t make them feel awkward or afraid. We are a family, and we are worth it.

My son and daughter may be gay, straight, trans. They may be rock stars, scientists, musicians, perpetual students. They may choose to be single, or to be with someone from a different race. And you know what? I don’t care, because I love them.

If this world had a little more love, we’d all be a lot better off.


Not yet.

August 28, 2009

Just read this article (linked midway through) and it made me both cry and feel better.

I am feeling incredibly down about this SPD pain and the effects it is having on my ability to care for my children. I thought I had felt glum about this during pregnancy, but I had no idea. Yesterday I woke up crying, cried throughout the day, and the middle of the night festivities culminated in me repeating, ‘I am rubbish, I am rubbish, I am rubbish’ over and over again. TMD has been hovering nervously, and she took the time to read the article about postpartum depression that the health visitor gives to all new parents.

To a certain extent, I believe I am having a normal reaction to a terrible situation. However, my ‘normal reaction’ is pretty horrid, and I need to take care to be mindful of my mental health. The study linked above mentioned the devestating effects SPD can have on mental health, and I can believe it.

I feel like I am missing all the normal parts of being a mother. I can’t change their nappies. I have difficulties holding them for long periods of time, and there is no chance of me picking them up and giving them a cuddle. I can’t carry them around. I could go on and on – it is getting pretty easy to fixate on the negative. Even things as simple as not being able to shift position in bed, meaning I can’t put them over my shoulder to burp them (both of their preferred positions).

I just sob and sob, apologising to them. To TMD. I feel like I am letting my babies down. All I want to do is cuddle and care for them, and I am just as stuck in one position as I was before, and if anything, things have gotten slightly worse. I have the ability to get myself on and off the couch/bed which is lovely, but due to the fact that I am no longer sporting a giant bump. The pain has not gotten better. I am on mega painkillers now, and it still hurts more than it did when I was pregnant. Next week I am getting a home visit from a physio, and you’d better believe I am not going to fuck around with their advice. Exercise? You got it. I’ll do whatever you say, ma’am, just make me get better.

I don’t want to stay like this.

It’s a bad limbo period. The babies are two and a half weeks old – I was warned I’d still have to have the crutches for a good few weeks, but right now I don’t know whether this is a normal part of recovery, or if I will be one of the freaky few who have SPD for a long time after birth. We often have more than one medical professional in the house at a time, and I am always being referred to like this – ‘Existere has very severe SPD.’  ‘Existere is incapacitated.’ ‘Existere has SPD, which is excruciating.”In extreme cases, women like Existere may need crutches.’ (Um, hello? A zimmer frame and wheelchair, bitches.)

The word ‘severe’ is used again and again, much more than it was when I was still pregnant. Maybe they expected me to rebound. A bitter part of me, looking for someone to blame, points to the fact that the morning after my c section, they made me walk through the ward, down the hall, and to the bathroom. Thanks to that experience, I passed out for the first time in my life, an alarm cord was pulled, and I had about six people to help me back off the toilet – and wipe me. And then back into a wheelchair. I should never have been expected to walk that far, and I should have stood up for myself.

I don’t know. I can’t look at the babies while they sleep (TMD is on my side of the bed, cot pulled up so it nestles to her) because I wouldn’t actually be able to shift position or respond quickly enough should there be a vomit alert.

I feel inept, useless, a burden. I feel I am letting my children down. I feel pointless, and useless, and in love with little babies I am not touching as much as I should. I almost find myself shying away from feeding them, because I feel it is one more area I will screw up (to the second degree, though you don’t know about that yet) or let them down.

My mother asks every day, surprise and worry in her voice, ‘You aren’t walking yet?’


11. (ish)

July 24, 2009

Eleven days till the babies are full term. (Well, eleven by the dating scan, twelve by reality of when they were conceived.)

Eleven days till all the months of worry about preterm labour are erased and we can celebrate our good luck, my hydration vigilance, and the bedrest.

I can’t quite believe it.

Thank you, universe. Seriously.


Twin bump pictures – 32 weeks pregnant. Also Tony. And leaving marks over the children.

July 4, 2009

I have a haemorrhoid named Tony. It is a testament to my general hardiness that I shove him back into my butt every shower without thinking twice about it. My mother said that after giving birth to me, she had a ‘bunch of grapes’ that then hung from her ass. Mmm mmm good.

Next up on the list of Fucked Up Things:


See that handprint under my boob? The one so clear you can make out the lines in my hand?

Yes, that’s because I have rediscovered the pleasure of lying on my side. I discovered this morning that when I am getting rib pain (two babies heads are right in that area) if I take both hands and sort of push them out of my ribs, I can fall back asleep.

The handprint (and bracelet print) makes me feel a bit guilty. I hope I did not give them cricks in their respective necks.

And speaking of boobs, something funny and not-so-good is up with my left girlie. In the bath a few days ago I noticed a pinprick point of pain. There is some discoloured skin over it. I am to ‘keep an eye on it,’ but it should clear up. Uh, okay.

So…….bump pics. I know I normally take them on a Saturday, but I took them yesterday because we had our 32 (plus 3) week scan, and I wanted a picture of exactly how I/the bump looked when we knew what their exact estimated fetal weights were!!

I was right. Our babies are biiiiiiiiiig. They are each right on track for being singleton births, which makes them bigger than most twins at this stage. Baby boy is 4 lb 7, baby girl is 4 lb 6. This puts them each individually just over 2 kilos, which is the cut off point for special care (based on weight, anyway)!! Good babies.

The scan was excellent, and really emotional. We get scans every month as twins sometimes have growth problems, and they are normally quick checks of the organs and some measurements. You never really get to see anything. The lady yesterday took the time to show us everything, though I admit it is hard. When they were little you could easily get both babies on the screen. Our 13 + 6 pictures are superb – one perfect baby body per picture. Now, you can fit a head or tummy on the screen. So it’s all a bit disjointed.

She zoomed out to show us both their heads together – I wish I had thought to ask for a picture of that. While both babies are breech (wrong, babies, wrong), it is sweet that their heads are right up next to each other and they are sort of snuggled together. Mano’s head is on left side, his body stretches down my entire left side. He is ‘sitting’ on my left hip, with his legs stretched so the feet are across my pelvis and on the other hip. Torre’s head is on the left as well. Her body stretches under my breasts before curving waaaaaaaaay down and to the very outside of the right side of bump, with her legs curled in towards the middle. Note to self: must write about how while we always tell people Torre doesn’t move around much, actually she changes positions much more than her brother.

(It’s funny calling them ‘Mano’ and ‘Torre’ now because we have actually had names for a good few weeks now. Shh…)

Both babies have ‘nice round tummies’ (the one area they are both bigger than dead average in) and all measurements are within normal ranges for singleton babies. We then saw the doctor – good times.

He fucking told me that I would need general anesthetic if Mano came out the vadge and Torre needed a c section due to distress – EVEN IF I already had an epidural in. I am going to have a very serious talk with the anaesthetist when (if) I go in for regular delivery, because what the fuck is the point of an epidural if it means I’ll be asleep and TMD will have to leave the room if T needs a c section?

The doctor said it obviously helps with labour pains and is recommended with all twin mums – and then explained how they would deliver Torre if she was not head down. Yes, he would reach up into my vagina, into the fucking womb, and feel around. He would either try to turn her internally, or if he found a foot he would grab it and pull her out breech! Yes, I suppose an epidural might be nice for that brief period of time where I am giving birth like a cow with a farmer’s hand up her cootch.

It was a relief to hear that the hospital are willing to deliver the second twin breech. He said I would already be fully dilated and it wouldn’t be a problem. We talked a lot about c sections, but he said we shouldn’t focus on it – that they still want me to have a normal delivery. He said (quite cavalierly, I thought!) that it was still early, and most babies would turn head down. So, fingers crossed? (The question mark is because I feel funny about birth now, the closer it gets.)

He did say they would plan to section me at 38 or 39 weeks if they didn’t change position. I froze. THIRTY-NINE weeks? NO ONE has ever, EVER mentioned anything beyond 38 weeks to me. I literally couldn’t talk. He laughed and said, ‘Do you think you can last that long?’ I don’t even know what I said back to him. I suppose that is the same time I would be induced if I was to have a normal delivery as well.


I know it’s only a week more, but jebus.

Here I am at 32 + 3 days with the babies (yesterday!):




Whatever way I go in to deliver, they will do a scan when I arrive. The priority is always to have a regular delivery, and he said that babies can change positions very near the end – though I imagine it is rarer with twins.

The doctor also explained who all would be at a normal delivery (still in a operating theature cum delivery suite, just in case) and it is a HUGE number of people. I knew it would be, but it was still a shock. If both are head down, it will be less crazy and midwife-led, treated as two back-to-back normal births. If Torre isn’t head down, there will be midwives, several doctors, pediatricians, etc. There will also be two teams from special care in the hallway, preparing incubators and ready to be called in if needed. Yes, folks, everyone in within 50 miles will get to see me shitting myself as I push out babies. I believe this is the definition of ‘good times.’

The only thing the doctor said which I found upsetting is that babies who come early do best without a lot of handling, and will need to stay in incubators. Hrm. Everything I have read says premature babies do better when they are stroked and held. We will see. He said anything before 36 weeks is considered preterm for twins. My pregnancy goals used to be monthly, but have now gone into fortnightly hopes.

34 weeks is next goal, and developmentally that is a HUGE milestone to pass. Then 36 weeks so the babies are term….or at least not preterm. And 38 weeks where, universe willing, we will finally get to meet our children.

Our children.


diary twin

Quickie but goodie.

June 18, 2009

First of all, I want to thank every single one of you who left a comment – I read them all this morning and was very touched. It made me feel slightly more sane to stay connected to ‘the outside world’ via this blog and Twitter, so thanks to TMD and my sister for updating – and for the other people who were happy to update but I couldn’t contact! A reminder that if I haven’t updated my blog in awhile, check Twitter! Thank you to everyone who called, texted, or Twittered in response.

The last three days have been very, very long. Lots has happened, and I will write about it in detail just for memory’s sake. It is a long story, but it is also a short story:

Both babies are okay. I am okay. We are home, and hoping to still get to 38 weeks. That is the bottom line – the babies are still very happy and healthy.

I am so thankful about this. I will write more in detail later, as I said, but I felt like my whole world was cracking in half when I saw blood on Monday. I started shaking the way I did when I was run over, I couldn’t control my body. More on that later, but for now:

thank you thank you thank you, the babies are okay.

Good sheet.

June 2, 2009

I very rarely buy songs from iTunes ’cause I is poor, but just bought two little ditties because I NEEDED THEM.

1. Summertime – Mungo Jerry

2. Summertime – Will Smith

Other things I have decided I need? Aside from the netbook, I mean? I want DVDs that feature summer camps. Yesterday I almost watched Sleepaway Camp simply because it featured a bunch of screaming kids and and an archery field. It’s summer, there is sunshine, and I want to watch movies that make me feel like I am outside and having fun.

(Not seen Sleepaway Camp? If you enjoy bad horror movies from the 70s/80s, this might be right up your street. It also features the BEST last 30 seconds of a movie you are ever likely to see. For whatever reason, my little sister and I rented this movie about six thousand times when we were children. I think it was the awesome back cover – Dear Mom, Camp has been fun so far, but things are starting to get weird. Kids are disappearing. Wait, I think I hear something…. and then the letter is covered in blood. GOOD SHIT.)

Breathe. (rinse, repeat)

April 1, 2009

Okay. I have calmed. Things to note:

1. I went into the kitchen to get lunch, and yes, I do have round ligament pain in the usual areas. On both sides. So maybe this vaginal pain/ache is associated to that.

2. I’ve found websites where women have said they’ve had lots of pain in their pelvic area/vagina throughout pregnancy. Made me feel better.

3. Corporate T called because he read my diary and I think he thought I was nutsy. He has done this before, calling when my diary words seem to suggest I need a friend to lean on. This is so thoughtful it’s unbelieveable. He’s also coming up tomorrow morning to visit me!

4. I just ate a piece of thinly sliced turkey. I have not had any meat, pepperoni excepting, for about 11 years. I choked it down for the babies, with the help of some cheese & onion tasties on the side. The turkey was also buried in a giant bagel with cream cheese and dijon, so that also helped.

5. I am still very open to reassurance from people who are/have been pregnant. Did you get vagina stabs? Vagina aches? And was it totally normal with a happy ending?

6. I want this necklace …okay, can’t find original website but it’s on a few. It’s two freshwater green pearls inside a sterling silver peapod. I know, I know, but I like it.


How many dashes can one entry hold?

April 1, 2009

I’ve come to the conclusion that my begging post a few weeks ago (you know, asking the universe to send me a netbook) was because I knew I’d be on ‘rest’ at some point. I’m in an incredibly awkward position right now which is possibly not the best for the babies or my back, so will keep this short. It’s a bit of a disappointment because I really want to be able to write….but sitting in chairs is a pain in the ass. Literally. (And the hips, the vagina, the…)

So: yesterday. It scared the baby jesus out of me. I know I have been wondering how in god’s name I would be able to manage working until I went on leave – but I wanted to be independently wealthy and choose to take time off, rather than be told I MUST. Right now. Or else.

The doctor said, ‘You’re working at 19 weeks? With TWINS?’ She didn’t seem too appalled at my job – after all, being a counsellor is hardly a high intensity workout (physically, at least), but was absolutely against me commuting into the city. This is all really handy because after an epic struggle, guess what arrived in the mail yesterday? My free upgrade to first class and a nice little button (translation = gross litte button, which I liked anyway) proclaiming I had a baby on board.

Green persuaded me to make the doctor’s appointment at the end of last week. She’s been hearing about my waking up in hip pain – which now has escalated to having little blocks of hours at a time where I can’t sleep because There Is No Good Way To Lay. I also was apparently making funny little pain faces when standing up or moving around at work. She said I was a stupid fuck, essentially, and that I should see the doctor. So I called and got an appointment (not with Dr. G, thank god, but with Dr. S – Green’s old doctor!) for yesterday.

Then two nights before the appointment, I was lying in bed when I felt a sudden stabbing sensation in my vagina going up through my womb. I had about five rhythmic pulses of this and it stopped; I went back to sleep. (I’m trying not to worry so much now. Ha.) On Monday I maybe had one vagina pain…maybe. Yesterday I was at work – and actually thinking about how it was already 1:30 and I hadn’t had a chance to lay down – putting my feet up and my body horizontal is a new part of my life. The next thing I know, I am getting monstrous pains. Not to be too gross or thoughtless, but it felt like I was being raped by a knife. Seriously.

Long intense pains running along the right side of my vagina.

So that became my worry. I told the doctor about the vagina stuff – and also that for the past two mornings, I had VERY thick mucus. Similar to the eggwhite discharge a woman has when ovulating. This is very different than the normal pregnancy discharge I’ve been getting. Crazy me thought it was my mucus plug and the pains were my cervix shortening or something. The doctor said, ‘If that was happening you would be having contractions, and we wouldn’t be able to sit here and have this conversation.’ She didn’t physically check my cervix, which was her only fault, but hey. We can’t all be perfect.

She diagnosed me with ’round ligament pain.’ This is a nice addition to my pubic dysfuntional pain giver thing I also possibly have. She was not too worried about my hips/back and said the focus right now is to rest, rest, rest. Apparently there are a couple of ligaments at the bottom of the uterus. They form a little diamond shape through which the cervix dangles down. These ligaments are responsible for holding everything up and in place. Because I am on a high natural dose of relaxin (a hormone your body releases when pregnant that happens to soften your ligaments), my ligaments are relaxing. Or relaxin’, if you will.

They are all stretching at an incredible rate, because my uterus is growing, growing, growing. Add the weight of two babies to that, and you start to get the picture.

The appointment was scary because she was really concerned I hadn’t felt the babies yesterday (I don’t really ever feel them?) and palpatated my tummy (first person to do this!), and then listened to heartbeats. Mano’s first heartrate was 100, which is freakishly low and that concerned us both. She went back to check Mano again and it had zipped back at up 153. Of course I made TMD check the hearts again last night. That doppler has been such an anxiety-saver and I am SO GLAD I bought it.

The doctor started talking about placental abruption and all sorts of other horrible things which lead to pregnancy loss. I almost shat myself. However, at the end I think she had satisfied herself – if not me – that this little problem had nothing to do with the babies, and it was just the fact that my body was having difficulty coping with this many babies. She said many ‘ladies’ can’t work during the duration of pregnancy, particularly with twins. (Somehow once you are pregnant you are a ‘lady’ and every other pregnant woman is as well. I don’t get this.)

We still have the 20 week scan next Tuesday. This scan will reassure us – hopefully – that both babies are doing very well. I don’t mind this semi-bedrest or pain at all as long as it does not mean the babies are compromised in any way. In actual fact, loads of rest is very helpful to twinnies in utero. But I won’t feel 100% calm till after the scan. My worst fear – as I’ve said – is premature labour so anything that staves that off is a good thing.

I’ve been signed off for two weeks initially. But I think this is it. When the two weeks are up I should be able to easily get an extension for the next seven (assuming I have that much sick leave left – will have to check this with Joy) and I think I’m going to ask for it. My body has been protesting the walking and sitting when I’m at work, and it’s time I listen to it.

Also: how the hell did I used to feel them so much and now I rarely ever do? I know Mano has an anterior placenta, and Torre sort of does too – fundal. I am aware that can cushion kicks. I am trying to choose not to worry about this as well, as no good comes from sitting here and being a bundle of nerves. I just want to write, write, write and take advantage of this time off work. But fuck, you know, sitting hurts my vagina. I don’t know how typing is supposed to happen. Right now I am supported behind by cushions, knees sort of up, laptop on my knees. This means I am leaning back which isn’t great for getting the babies head down or giving them a lot of room to perform in. I am going to have to figure out this typing position thing soon. Any suggestions welcome.

So. Thus endeth my novel of bedrest.

Oh – except for the postscript. Last night after I got home, I suddenly felt very wet (no nice way to say it), so I pulled down my pants to have a little looksie. My entire crotch region of my knickers was, well, soaked through. Like I’d pissed myself, except it wasn’t urine. Worry Monster kicked in that it was my waters breaking. Let me tell you, anxiety likes living in my brain.

Perhaps the other thing of note is boob-related. Remember how I had to buy bras that were a bit too big? They are now so tight that they literally leave indents on my breasts wherever there is a seam. My boobs are growing. And my nipples? Um. UM. Giant, and often white tipped. Truly suitable snow covered peaks for what is becoming a formidable mountain range.

Now that IS it. See you soon, no doubt, as I’m ‘resting’ all day, every day. I will up  my Twittering – my name is Existere on there, so feel free to follow. I am going to write about exciting things like my water intake, vagina discoveries, and daytime tv. Aren’t you SO tempted?


Wishlist turned reality.

March 22, 2009

Thanks for all the lovely comments on my bump pictures! Scroll down a few entries if you haven’t seen them yet… (And know that while Facebook gets my face, you guys get my bare belly. Be honoured!)

Yesterday I ended up pissing myself three times. <– Just something that needed to be said. I am squeezing those muscles, I swear. A bit, anyway.

Today I’ve gone online shopping crazy. I’ve bought two white bumpbands (white is a better summer colour, and bumpbands are delicious and apparently very supportive when you are very, very pregnant with twins!). We also got a mamascarf. This is a groovy breastfeeding scarf made by the bumpband people. I hope I can breastfeed – not sure as I’ve had a breast reduction and they said they couldn’t guarantee I would be able to. If I can, I would like to tandem feed the babies; feeding them one at a time would pretty much make sure all I did was sit and let babies suck on my boobs. Tandem feeding halves the time!

Mamascarf is good for one-at-a-time feeding, which we may prefer anyway. Also more practical for being out in public. If tandem breastfeeding works out, we will be getting a thing that hooks around your neck and then is essentially like a tablecloth hanging down in front of you. While one boob out seems very okay – and this country is all about the boobies for the babies – TWO boobs out at the same time seems like I should be asking for beads, not providing nourishment.

Finally, we just bought a glider for 99.00 – regular retail price 300.00. It’s on pre-order but due to come mid-April.

I try to feel okay about spending this much money by remembering TMD didn’t go get me the ‘special Mother’s Day breakfast from McDonald’s’ that she offered me. We saved, what, like 3.00 right there? Bargain!

(Other nice thing: TMD made me a card ‘from’ Mano and Torre. Of course, this resulted from me sobbing during a twenty minute car ride yesterday that she didn’t get me a gift for Mother’s Day, but still. It’s very very cute.)