Posts Tagged ‘weight loss’

14 st 11, would Mickey approve? Also, I need deadlines in all areas of life. No exaggeration

October 28, 2012


This is me, about six years ago on our very belated honeymoon in Disney World. It marks the second time in my life I wore a bikini. The first was when I was about ten. It was a tight hot pink and orange number, and I was on a boat with my family and our friends. I felt uncomfortable and like the thing was going to fall off the whole time. As a teen, I looked back at that picture and remembered viscerally how uncomfortable I felt. I don’t know whether I thought I looked good, or too chunky.

When I look at the above picture, taken on a waterproof crappy camera, I feel a lot. Freedom, sunshine, laughing, bliss. I also think I looked awesome. This trip to Disney happened to mark the end of my eighteen month journey at Weight Watchers. I’d lost fifty four pounds and felt terrific. I bought two different bikinis and felt so confident and happy. We have lots of pictures of us on waterslides and in wave pools and my face just glows in them all.

It is not a coincidence that the trip landed at a time when I had just hit my goal weight (11 st 10). No, I knew the trip was going to happen and I used it as a deadline.

A couple of days ago, my mom brought up the possibility of us all going to Disney next September, which happens to be seven years exactly after the above picture was taken. (How do such large chunks of time pass by?) So once again, I have a trip to Mickey’s Florida home as a deadline, though I am realistic. Last time I lost weight slowly, steadily, and very consistently. I may not have lost every week, but I never gave myself a week off. Never.

A small part of me hates myself for saying I will lose weight by Disney, when I never lost it for having a new baby. A bigger part shrugs, accepting, and says what is done is done and cannot be undone. No point in beating myself up, not when weight loss will require much courage and self love. Hard work.

Last time TMD did all our meals at home, and she often packed me healthy lunches as well. I was working so was not around food all the time. My job also required me to spend a good portion of my day walking through inner city __________, which involved dodging the crowds, speed walking, and a few particularly funky hills. This time I do all the food. I hate cooking, and often feel panic. What will I eat? When will I eat? This is why I reach for convenience foods, because they are so much easier when you are tired and cannot cook.

But it would be nice to have a new swimsuit. Red, I think. It would be nice to have more energy and less aches so I could keep up with the kids as they run around Disney in that hot, hot sun.

This last week I got some very scary news from back home. The sort of news that makes me wonder about trying, again, to figure out how we could possibly navigate the rough waters of immigration and relocation. When I got off the phone, I started eating and did not stop. I could not stop, even when I ended up unpleasantly ass sick as a result. Nothing stopped the eating until the casual mention of Disney, so I latch onto that. Seven or eight months to focus myself on something positive, while quiet worries and the realisation of time passing by try so hard to drag me under.

I have no printer, but really want to find a way to print out the original picture from this post. A few copies. So I can keep looking at it, knowing that no matter how hard it is, I KNOW I can lose this weight because I did it before. The circumstances have changed, but at the core I hope my inner strength and self belief is still there waiting for me and the possibility of a new swimsuit.

12 st 9 AND how to terrify a tot

October 21, 2012

I don’t know how I managed to lose weight this week. I gorged myself, and largely in response to this IVF stuff. Due to an injury on Monday, I also tried to move as little as possible. So we had McDonald’s, chips, pizza, chocolate, crisps, etc. I think I’ll try harder this week.

I don’t have much more to say. I mean, I could fill a novel with how I can eat to punish myself, but really, the cinema is more uppermost in my mind. We took the kids to their first movie this morning – Brave. I had been thinking for awhile that it might be fun to see a film, and discovered kid special prices on weekend mornings. I knew Brave was Disney/Pixar so assumed it would be okay. It was only are booking that I read all these reviews saying not to bring kids under seven.

Well, yeah. That shit was REAL. Intense, scary, totally jacked up but also quite charming. Snort made it about halfway through, to the point where the mum is changed into a bear and all the noisy men are chasing her through the castle. Tears were running down his face, and he and TMD left the movie.

About ten minutes later I texted her to say the movie was funny again, but he refused to reenter. Good. Because the next thing you know, bears are fighting and people are getting shot and giant rocks are crushing bears.

Coconut was chill. Princess Merida crashed through the floor into a deserted creepy castle with a killer bear. Her response? ‘That lady needs a ladder.’

Princess Merida is sobbing because her beloved mother almost just killed her, and is in fact going to be transformed into a bear forever, and her dad might have to kill her? ‘That poor, poor lady. She is so sad and crying because her mum is a bear. She just wants her mum and dad to be happy again like a family.’

I’m there cringing and worried about inflicting psychological danger, and her only complaint is that the movie is too loud. She likes it and wants to see it again.

Snort, on the other hand – ‘That movie scared me. I not see that movie again. Come to the cinema and see red car movie!’ Yes, so. We will keep ours eyes out for cut price Cars, but at the very least I may do a more careful selection of film title next time. Brave was good, but I didn’t realise the name may have been an indication of the way a viewer would need to be in order to survive the darker elements.

It was fun, though. But that being said, I was sat by the kid who didn’t care about her popcorn and stayed the whole movie through. TMD, however, has a headache and didn’t get much popcorn. BOOyah.

14st12. BMI 31.6

October 14, 2012

I blame myself for a lot of things, particularly in regard to my weight.

A brief history, probably all too tedious and familiar to those of you who are long term readers.

Years ago I weighed 15 st 8. I joined Weight Watchers and around 18 months later reached my goal weight of 11 st 10. ( One stone equals fourteen pounds.) I dropped down to 11 st 6, but that seemed really light. I maintained my weight loss for a couple of years, then got a new therapy job that involved sitting on my ass all day and eating pastries. My weight went up a few pounds to 12 st 5 or so, and I maintained that until we started IVF. I gained weight during IVF and the date of the egg collection I weighed 12 st 8, I think.

I then stopped paying attention to weight, though I gained 59 pounds during my twin pregnancy. Sixty pounds was the medical goal, so it was a total fluke. The day before my section I weighed 17 st 4. I did lose nineteen pounds in birth, but gained some back as, I’m sure we all recall, I was in a wheelchair for about nine months and totally unable to walk.

Since that time, I have very slowly lost weight. I went down to 15 st 8 and stayed there a long time. And now had dropped to a stone lighter, and have been around that weight for even longer. I’ve been complacent, even when I knew weight loss might help my SPD, help me be more fertile, etc.

I am not in a good head space to lose weight. Last time, my 55 pound loss was framed within a me that was totally assured and focused. There was no doubt in my mind I would lose the weight. So no surprise that I did, though I was certainly surprised I maintained that level of weight loss until my twin pregnancy.

I’m not focused and assured now. My life is very different, my eating is very different, my daily exercise levels are very different. But I’m going to try anyway. So every Sunday you can feel free to skip my posts if weight loss is not your thing. I know this is like the fifteenth time since having the babies that I’ve tried to lose weight. It probably won’t be the last. But I think it is precisely because of my negative head space that I need to try.

In the interest of accuracy, today I weighed in just before lunch. I’d already eaten breakfast, etc etc. Future weigh ins will be first thing. I anticipate dropping to 14 st 6 very quickly, but then that is the weight where I stall. Every time. I don’t have a set goal weight in mind, also unlike last time, but for now let’s aim for a bmi under 30 – no, let’s aim for 196 pounds. 14 stone exactly. That’s how much I weighed when I finished university, and it was a good weight.

…For now.

June 3, 2012

Today is a boon day.

Yesterday was spent in caves, largely, and a good time was had by all. Largely. But by the time we got home, I was ready for bed at like 6:30 pm. I decided to skip writing the manuscript for the night and catch up today. I woke up this morning and realised while showering (the birthplace of many good ideas) that we are actually going abroad for part of June. (But my FIL will be here in the house, lest any of you think theiving thoughts.)

So I need to write MORE than 1667 words per day to finish Camp NaNoWriMo. 3198 so far today, for a grand total of 4975 thus far! TMD took the kids out shopping to leave me alone – and what a perfect morning for it. Cloudy, slight breeze through my window, downloaded music floating in the air.

I was sad about not going as I wanted to pick up ‘summer trousers’ (I literally own one pair of trousers that fits and they definitely are winter ones.) – but TMD picked some up in a size lower (I’m back on vintage weight watcher points and doing well, so thought there was no point in buying the size I have been wearing) and THEY FIT PERFECTLY. I like to wear trousers low, but never in a million years would I think the next size down would comfortably fit worn round my hips. They even fit while I’m sitting. SITTING!

So, I guess I am a smaller woman writing a bigger quantity of words.

That is all…

Quickie. Fatty.

May 29, 2012

TMD got her second bloods back. They’ve gone up to 12.1 So getting better, but still not high enough for egg sharing. My results should be back in a couple of days.

She’s started all the stuff I did for six months prior to any appointments – no caffeine, etc etc. So it is apparently working, we just didn’t start soon enough.

I, however, have done nothing. So we’ll see what my numbers are like.

If I eggshare, my bmi needs to be under 30. A fact the doctor apparently specifically mentioned in her letter. So I guess I look like a fatty to the trained eye. Ha.

Only about eight pounds to go to get to that 29 bmi. Though truth be told, I want to just pay for TMD to have IVF privately.

Going to lose the weight anyway, though. 38 pounds gone, 37 to go to my old weight watchers weight goal. Stay tuned.

Why does swimming give me headaches?

November 10, 2011

So. I got a swim membership to a local pool. Monday night I went swimming for the first time – and had a slight headache afterward. Woke up at 4 am with a full on migraine, including forty minutes of stomach bile vomiting. Okaaaaaaay. Didn’t think much of it, except for it being another reminder of why pregnancy might suck.

Then last night I went swimming again. After twelve minutes – TWELVE – I got a headache again. So now I’m thinking that swimming equals headache, which is totally weird as in a past life (ie before children) I was quite the swimmer and was even a qualified lifeguard for a number of years. Swimming is not headache fodder for me – or the old me, at least. If anything, swimming has magical powers. My last year in university I was the sole lifeguard in a grungy little inner city pool. I dry shaved my bikini line like every day and nothing bad ever happened. See? Magic.

So, why am I getting headaches?

The physical exertion? The new goggles? The what the fuck? Any ideas, because I’m going to keep swimming, folks.

(In semi-related news, it’s a lot easier to swim 56 laps the first time you go swimming. The second time, when your muscles are already tired from 56 Monday laps AND going swimming with your toddlers that same day? Not so easy.)


November 7, 2011

This is me, with the laptop open and on my lap for the first time in what? A year? I no longer have time or opportunity to write during the day. However, I would like to get back on track with Weight Watchers online (would prefer meetings, but this is cheaper and I’m giving it a go for the next month, which is already paid for). So I need the kids to get used to me having the odd five minutes on the computer again.

So, here’s my rambly ramblings.

First, it’s Monday. At first I was all manic trying to figure out where we could go this morning, then I realised it’s more fun – and less expensive – to wear sweatpants (me) or nothing (Coconut) or normal clothes (Snort) and build traintracks, strip clothes off babydolls, and loiter in regards to our morning shenanigans/chores (vitamins, inhalers, teeth brushing, etc).

I may take the kids swimming later on.

Next, I like bargains. Cheap bargains. But enough 3.00 deals from eBay add up. To that end, I have spent a further 10.00 on this awesome new planner which I am using as a self-improver. I’ll take pics and upload later. But there’s stuff I need to do every day, and I do function better with lists and checkmarks and accountability. So I’m pretty excited about that. I will also track my expenditure.

I lost my 60 pounds last time by writing things down. It’s also how I’ve lost 40 pounds this time, and hopefully how I will lose the final 40 pounds. So it stands to figure I can also ‘lose’ the habit of spending more than is strictly necessary?

Argh. Kids both demanding to watch videos of Walnut as the computer is open. More later.

After you ride off into the sunset.

October 25, 2011

When I lost (and kept off) 60 pounds in my life before babies, I remember the weirdest part of starting a new job was that these people had never known me as fat.

I was just a thin version of me.

Today I met a bunch of new people, and the weirdest thing was them never having known me in a wheelchair or on crutches.

I was just this walking, driving version of me.

It felt odd.

Breathies and sleepies.

September 17, 2011

Taking a break from the inevitable writing contest blog entries, let’s move on to Snort’s nine prescriptions this morning. The past three nights, I/we have calculated when he will need his inhalers (we are currently trying to stretch to six hours between ten puffs, but he’s not quite there yet). Both nights had different calculations on when he’d need that little bit of extra help to clear his airway – and both nights he woke up exactly five minutes before a dose.

I’m not being all exaggerated here: we are talking EXACTLY five minutes before EVERY dose of breathies.

One morning I said to TMD, ‘You know, I think he may be waking in the night because his breathing is disrupted. I wonder what would happen if we gave him breathies before bed.’ I paused. ‘Actually, is this a conversation we’ve had before? Why does it feel familiar?’

TMD said – ohyesshedid – that when we saw his pediatric allergist doctor, she suggested that we give him inhalers every night before bed, as while it was still completely normal for a kid to keep waking through the night, she thought he was actually waking because of breathing issues. TMD then continued to point out that we’d been too lazy to try this.

Slap our wrists and call us sillies.


So ANYWAY, he’s now been prescribed steroid inhalers as well. Two puffs twice daily throughout the winter (ie, everything that is not summer), and four times daily when he gets a cold. Continue with the rescue inhaler as needed.

I’m curious to see what effect the steroid inhaler will have on his at home treatments, his hospital admissions, and HIS SLEEP. Oh, his sleep. Coconut sleeps soundly all night long, though waking and asking for a few sips of water once a night is common. Snort has slept like a rock these past few nights of breathing treatments, except when actually having the treatments.

Last night just before 11 pm, we did wake him to give him breathies. He cried softly throughout, clearly unhappy with us fucking up his sleep. When we finished, he said, ‘Yay!’ in a tiny, tired voice and clapped for himself. This is a milder version of the insane clapping and cheering we do post-breathies during the day, at which point Coco grabs the mask and proceeds to give herself a treatment.

The only other awesome IsThisAsthma news is that rather than the unshaped mask and giant volumatic spacer, we now have a tidy little tube spacer with teddy bears on it. The mask is shaped and soft, and the tube is petite enough that Snort can reach his own inhaler to help push it down – that is, when Coconut is not screaming that SHE is giving him the breathies.

(Two pounds down this week. That’s forty pounds lost. Just over halfway. Jesus.

Writing contest: Still in first place popularity wise, though I reiterate that means nothing officially as the judges make the first cut. Still, it’s making me feel more calm and confident about sharing. Please click here to view my MUST READ post about the contest and see a link to the chapter. Or click here if you’ve already read that post and want to read the chapter. Ratings and feedback welcomed, though you need to complete the ten second site registration to do so – and I found out last night that everyone who registers is entitled to a free book. You’d better believe I already ordered mine!

At this point I am brave enough to say that I am happy for you to share the link to the site on twitter, facebook, etc should you feel so inclined. I MAY just share it on my own Facebook soon.

That being said, I am having uncontrollable diarrhea so it’s clear the anxiety and self-judgment is still going strong.)


May 16, 2011

So, how do I stop eating constantly? I’m thinking of cultivating an addiction to green tea.