Posts Tagged ‘TTC’

Thinking of you.

May 22, 2013

Lately I am mourning that third (and fourth?) child we didn’t get to have. As we enter the warmth of the year, when TMD’s belly should have been swelling and almost ripe, suddenly I am thinking about those babies that didn’t grow. The ones in her belly, the ones in that petri dish, the ones from four years ago.

We are entering a new stage in life. The kids are taking their own clothes off. That doesn’t sound like much, but oh, how much it portents. The independence. The ease at going out with them. The trust I have in their good sense and wide hearts, which grows deeper every day.

I know a baby or two would complicate that.

But I miss that baby.

What not to say.

November 2, 2012

So I’m lying on the couch, totally immobile. I’m waiting for you to come help, like you said, at 7:30. At 9:30 my wife calls you, her mother, to find out where you are. When you finally arrive to find me lying on the couch, trying to play with my kids without actually moving, you say,

See, this is why I was worried about you having a third child. You gesture at me, broken. This is why I worried. Because if you were like this and needed me to help, how would I take care of three? I’m getting old. It would be too much work for me. This is why I’m glad you aren’t having another one.

I lay there, holding steady, while another part of me is wounded and raw and curling up to protect myself against your totally selfish and unthinking words. Because who cares if your daughter and her wife are heartbroken, if it saves you a little bit of work?

I don’t say anything like, I know you don’t mean to be hurtful, but I’m still very upset about TMD not being pregnant. Devastated, actually. So your words do hurt me.

Instead I say,’I wouldn’t leave a baby with you anyway. Little babies need their mums. And babies are the easy part. It’s older kids that need you to move around.’

You raise your eyebrows when I say babies are easy. And I remember how hard you found mine, even when multiple adults were around. But I didn’t find them hard. Or a chore.

I laid on the couch, immobile, with two little lovely people cuddled into me. It was a perfect time, a time I cherish, a time I won’t be able to have again….not with my ever growing kids, not with the other child. I feel our family isn’t complete, I feel hurt, I feel like I want to say words to you that you will find so hurtful. But I keep my mouth shut and think about writing it here, writing it for my friends, writing it to capture this raw pain.

And I won’t say this to my children in the future. If their dreams are punctured, their souls tired, I will say, ‘I’m sorry. I love you and I’m sorry this has not worked. Can I do anything to help?’ I may think about me, about the impact their dreams have on my life, but the only words I will ever give to a grieving child will not be about me.

Coming to terms.

October 25, 2012

Ever since we brought Snort and Coconut home, I knew I wanted another baby. As our children get older and more independent, I think even more about how nice it would be to have another child or two, and what great siblings Snort and Coconut would make. They are protectors of younger children when we are out and about. Protectors, entertainers, so gentle and warm. I feel like we have cheated them out of the chance to have more siblings.

I keep thinking about adoption. Another lesbian blogger in Country B who plans to home educate decided to adopt a second child, but had to put her first in nursery because apparently you aren’t considered for adoption if you home educate. I need to follow this up. I have also thought about international adoption, but of course it is a minefield because only one of us would adopt – probably not me because I am unemployed – and then the other would have to do a second parent adoption here at home.

Of course, we are STILL waiting for TMD to adopt Snort and Coconut.

I am squeezing the joy out of every day. TMD is totally happy with two children. I am, too, except I would also be totally happy with more. I don’t think it is going to happen. So I appreciate the ones we have every day. Their growing up, the nighttime bike rides which are becoming a ritual, their wild and funny imaginations. We are lucky.

But every time they cradle a doll or talk about babies in tummies, I get a pang.

We are lucky. Lucky to have such caring, empathy filled cheeky monsters I adore. I pour my love on TMD, them, myself. I quietly think of the potential lives we lost this ivf cycle, and the last too, because I have living proof times two that those little embryos can become great things.

Symptom Watch 2012. AKA our last eleven days

October 18, 2012

Saturday (transfer day) and Sunday
Horrible back pain

Monday 8 October, two days post five day transfer
Horrible back pain
TMD texts at 12:48 to say she feels sick. Resolved by 2 pm.
Hungry in the middle of the night.

Tuesday 9 October. 3dp5dt
Back pain gone
TMD says she is more tired than normal, but doesn’t know if that is because she knows I am doing more stuff so she can allow herself the luxury!
Is ‘aware’ of a sensation low down on the right. (Shit! Exciting! Though she’s been worrying all day it was ectopic because of the one sided sensation. I remember having this exact concern when I was pregnant!)
Gassy. Audible!

Wednesday 10 October. 4dp5dt
Feeling sick in the morning.
Texted at noon to say stomach has been unsettled all day.
Text at two- ‘Dude. I just feel out of it. Can’t remember if this is what I always feel like.’
This evening said her stomach was unsettled all morning. I suggested the word ‘queasy’ and she said yes, but then backtracked. I think we are both afraid to give these things more meaning than they may have. She is more scared than me.
Reiterated that she felt totally out of it all day, like her brain was not in her head.

Thursday 11 oct. 5dp5dt
Texted to say feel unsettled in stomach again, from 8 45
Texted five minutes later to say feels sick, but is worried is psychosomatic. All I’m thinking is that she’s sick before test date, like I was. Twins?!
texted 12:30 to say she felt fine, with big sad face. said she’d rather be throwing up her guts! felt better about 11:30 am
She’s had a crazy period where she is not convinced she felt sick.
8pm feels unsettled in the stomach again. Ha

Friday 12 October. 6dp5dt
TMD dreamed she had a pregnancy test last night. ‘One line, two lines, then the whole stick went pink.’
Unsettled stomach again this am till about 11 30. I am now worried it’s not ‘real’ and is caused by her progesterone medication. The more days her possible morning sickness goes on, the more I want to test. She is dead set against testing until tuesday. Oh, she also has a headache this am.
Feels sick again this evening. I am so scared of thAt pregnancy test.
Pendulum swinging says pregnant, amidst rolled eyes.

Saturday 13 October 7dp5dt
Tmd had dream last night that she was in labour!
Felt sick this morning, but she was dismissive of it. Like, ‘I get sick every time I take all these tablets.’
Sick all day,increasingly so. keeps saying she feels very full.
By late afternoon/early evening, feeling very sick. Headache all day (has had most days), feeling very very tired.
The past few days I have been planning our pregnancy reveal on facebook. I am sick.

Sunday 8dp5dt
Pregnancy test 4 am. Negative. I am in shock. Though I woke up just before the test from a dream that we would test negative in the morning, then positive at night. In reality, neither of us wants to test again before Tuesday. There is still a chance, but we have to be realistic. There is a pall over both of us. TMD obviously feels horrible and is rushing around like a maniac. She says she has no symptoms this morning.
I am feeling very negative and like this is all my fault. I was so SURE she was pregnant. So, so sure.

It’s not even lunchtime and it is like a crazy house here. Like we are both on the upswing of a manic depressive cycle. Homemade plaited bread, Halloween costumes sewn, patio furniture all cleaned and ready for storage, tidying, cleaning, huge new recipe for lunch simmering on the oven. I keep telling her to remember she may be pregnant so not to get too wild or strain too much. The house is looking pretty fucking nice, though.

Still has feelings of fullness. Looks bloated. I am afraid to ask her too much, and she isn’t offering anything. No sickness or unsettled tummy today

TMD didn’t eat dinner. She still feels really full. Had to unbutton her jeans. Tired.

Please let her next test be positive.

In the interest of accuracy, she was breathless at some point earlier in the week.

Okay. She is bloated up like someone stuck a pipe of gas down her throat to blow her up like a float.

9 25 pm. Feels sick again. YES. I don’t know what to think. I am still cautiously optimistic.

Monday 9dp5dt
TMD doesn’t think it has worked. We aren’t testing until Wednesday as her dad is here tomorrow morning and that’s just too intrusive. We are trying to move forward thinking we will have a great life with the two we have, but oh, how I miss the one we probably don’t have.

I’ve cried a lot this morning. Feeling nuts as I veer between knowing this cycle is a bust and knowing it is not. Also blaming myself over egg quality. Feel like I didn’t give our kids a good chance to live because all I eat is shit.

TMD texted to say she’s had an unsettled stomach again all morning. At this point, if this is just the progesterone, it is the cruelest medication I know.

Tuesday 16 October 10dp5dt
I feel so low. Can’t help but wonder if we should not have tested early. We were so happy and exuberant before. Just so joyful. Then as soon as that stark white space showed up, it was just brutal. I still have this secret idea that the test tomorrow will be positive. TMD is buying two more brands, so we will test with first morning urine on three brands.
I am so sad.
But I guess if tomorrow’s test is negative, at least we were already expecting it on some level.

Can’t seem to stop crying. Feel sort of like I did when my grandmother died, like if I allowed myself to feel all I was feeling, I would lose control and not be able to regain it. I miss my family. My friends. My wife. I wish she was not at work today. I am a total nutcase. And yet some part of me truly believes tomorrow will yield a second pink line. I really do. But still the tears come.

Hour later. Now been crying for three straight hours, just slow leak of tears. TMD says her stomach is unsettled again. I hope this whole three days of hell is just so that when we get a happy ending it is that much more exciting. Dramatic. Blah blah. I lifted a heavy tray of groceries last night and my back in agony. Don’t feel like I can cope today.

She had a positive pregnancy test dream. I had three.
The test was negative
Two different brands
Didn’t bother to try with the third brand. No point.

Is it possible she WAS pregnant and it has not continued? All those symptoms. Sigh.


October 17, 2012

No. Game over.

We can’t afford more ivf. If I lose 40 pounds in the next year I MAY be deemed acceptable as an eggshare participant again. Or may not.

So. We are, indeed, a two mom two child family.


October 16, 2012

We are moving our pregnancy test date to tomorrow. TMD’s dad is here today and whatever the result, we don’t want company when we find out.

Feel the fear….and resist doing it anyway.

October 12, 2012

Progesterone has side effects that completely mimic early pregnancy. That is a mindfuck.

TMD bought pee sticks today. I am terrified of them.

Quick vent.

October 11, 2012

Mom: After entire conversation, as an afterthought. How is TMD?

Me: Well, we are hoping she has Hopeful Pregnancy Symptom, so that might be a good sign this has worked.

Mom: In Eeyore voice. Oh. Okay, well, I have to go now.

I know she isn’t happy about us trying for more children, but would it fucking kill her to pretend to be supportive in any way?

And the heat is on.

October 9, 2012

No embryos were suitable for freezing. Not a surprise, but still a big disappointment.

Pregnancy tests and the thought of cheating.

October 9, 2012

A week from now we will be testing. Unlike last time, I think we plan to wait until the recommended 10dp5dt (ten days past a five day transfer), though a Tuesday morning is a slightly bummerish day. A weekend would be better either way, I think.

I can’t help it. I’m getting all hopeful and excited. What started as more of a lark, let’s give it a try and see what happens, suddenly I can’t imagine life without another baby. Or two.

I’ve started another blog post called Symptom Watch 2012, and should we test positive I’ll post that. TMD is generally less crazy than me, so we haven’t been looking at boob or thigh veins. Then again, where is the time?

I am a true housewife now. I do everything, so when she comes home she can relax and then go to bed early. I realise I’m only in the early stages of doing the bulk for the kids and house, but so far so good. Of course, she has been assigned the task of putting clean laundry away. And that task is surely worth its weight in gold.

Tell me, when did you test? Last time we were 8dp3dt.