Posts Tagged ‘symphysis pubis dysfunction’

The longest post ever?

February 28, 2013

I have been sort of AWOL, lost in my own misery of intense chronic pain and the accompanying fears and despondency. It’s fun.

I am back in the land of the walking, but am in pain every second of the day. It’s not excruciating anymore, but it’s not great, either.

So that’s me.

We spent a lot of time at home last week, as I felt I needed a break (maybe I knew my body was about to collapse?), which sort of sucks as this week we had to spend a good chunk inside as the pain has been so bad. But as I said, I’m mostly physically functioning. We even went swimming yesterday.

I am scared, though. My last lot of pain injections were on the kids’ second birthday. I think they must have worn off by now, but recent pain is making me worry that they have only just worn off, and this is my true pain baseline, and I’m going to be like this forever.

I feel like this every single time I have a relapse. Like crippling hopelessness, terror, deep exhaustion from coping with the pain. Every single time I worry that this is forever.

And every single time I recover.

This painful blip has been going on for almost two months. It’s the longest it’s ever happened. I’ve also had recent pelvic instability – we are talking my pelvis full on wobbling around, with the gross accompanying clicks and cracking noises. I’ve not been like this since pregnancy.

So my blues are a little more blue this time. I think that’s okay, I think that’s expected.

But it sucks as I have little to no motivation to do things that need doing, especially as it exacerbates the pain. Tomorrow is our third social worker visit, and normally I’d spend a Thursday morning cleaning bathrooms, clearing the dining table of the assorted crap it collects, randomly dusting, etc. It has become an ongoing joke that if we had a social worker visit a week, the house would always look fucking amazing. Though I must say, as nice as the social workers are, I can’t wait for this shit to be over.

The forms are incredibly discriminatory and insulting to families like ours. Questions about what makes TMD qualified to raise children, asking other people and herself how she keeps them safe, and on and on and on. I am only angry about this in small doses, and the social workers are apologetic and very understanding, and on the whole the process is very smooth and straightforward. Hopefully we have tomorrow’s visit, then just one more (four in total)- excepting the court date where the kids get formally adopted. Maybe we will go out for cake afterwards.

But right now, the bigger picture for ME is thinking about how I hope I can walk into court without crutches, without pain, without having to always be conscious of how my body moves.

This afternoon we are going over to a friend’s house. We have started a tearaway rebellious new home education meet, a small group of families who rotate houses on Thursdays. We want our younger children to build up good friendships and have regular contact with the same kids, especially as these children will be some of the ones they grow up with and attend various classes and groups with. It’s an interesting group as two of the children have Asberger’s, one more severely and probably leaning towards full on autism. All in all, I like all the people, children and adults alike, and look forward to all our friendships growing. I’ll probably write more about this group in future, especially as I need advice on what to do if a fellow mama steals a toy from your house. Ha. No shit.

But today a family is ill, so it’s just us and this other family. I love the mum, love her to bits, and it is always a quiet relief to hang out with like minded people. Especially when they are all creative and shit, and there is no tv in their lounge, and you can see water from their back windows.

SPD is a real, true son of a bitch.

February 22, 2013

My symphysis pubis pain came back this morning out of nowhere. It is extremely painful to walk, even with crutches.

I hobbled back to bed and ate Cheerios while laying on my stomach, as I need food before I take hardcore pain relief, and I couldn’t sit up. Imagine my joy post Cheerios when I realised I was stuck. Like a beached fucking whale. I literally could not roll from my stomach to my side/back.

Now TMD is all trying to figure out how she can take the day off. She has no annual leave left because it is all being used for this adoption shit. Her mum won’t come here to look after the children as ‘they’ll just keep pestering me anyway if I am in the house.’ I’ve never heard such a lame excuse in my life.

I’m hurting so badly, inside and out.

And the most awful thing is poor Coconut. She was due for gymnastics today. Her confidence and joy in the gym is finally back in full force after her broken wrist/arm, and she’s asked every day this week to go there. She spends most of her time upside down in handstands, and often says, ‘Welcome to the amaaaaaaaazing Coconut!’ I guess TMD is going to have to take the day off, as I can’t move even with the ruddy crutches. Hopefully she can take both kids to the gym.

If I’d been like this last night we could have action planned and just had loads of fruits and snacks the kids could serve themselves from today. We do have loads of workbooks, YouTube, toys, etc but it is still probably physically beyond me to look after them.

But no, I’m the mother who scared her little boy. He came in this morning to ask what was wrong, if I was okay, and it was when I tried to roll over to talk to him that I involuntarily yelped/screamed. He was so scared and backed away. I called out, ‘Honey, I’m sorry, Mama is just hurt. You didn’t do anything,’ but he was already shutting the door behind him.

I can’t stop crying. Fuck this pain.

Two great things.

April 9, 2009

1. I went to physio for my knee today – TMD said I shouldn’t bother, but I said I secretly hoped for a direct referral to the specialist physiotherapist. I went in to see my guy (who happens to be the manager of the whole service…) and told him about my pain, bedrest, etc. The next thing I know, I’ve been put to the top of the waiting list and have an appointment with the women’s health physiotherapist for three weeks time, along with a handy dandy leaflet about SPD.

2. I gave in and bought giant knickers – three sizes larger than my normal size, and in the style of ‘full’. Grandma panties, in other words. AND JESUS ARE THEY WONDERFUL. They go right up to my belly button and I have never felt such joy as when I pulled them on this morning.


How many dashes can one entry hold?

April 1, 2009

I’ve come to the conclusion that my begging post a few weeks ago (you know, asking the universe to send me a netbook) was because I knew I’d be on ‘rest’ at some point. I’m in an incredibly awkward position right now which is possibly not the best for the babies or my back, so will keep this short. It’s a bit of a disappointment because I really want to be able to write….but sitting in chairs is a pain in the ass. Literally. (And the hips, the vagina, the…)

So: yesterday. It scared the baby jesus out of me. I know I have been wondering how in god’s name I would be able to manage working until I went on leave – but I wanted to be independently wealthy and choose to take time off, rather than be told I MUST. Right now. Or else.

The doctor said, ‘You’re working at 19 weeks? With TWINS?’ She didn’t seem too appalled at my job – after all, being a counsellor is hardly a high intensity workout (physically, at least), but was absolutely against me commuting into the city. This is all really handy because after an epic struggle, guess what arrived in the mail yesterday? My free upgrade to first class and a nice little button (translation = gross litte button, which I liked anyway) proclaiming I had a baby on board.

Green persuaded me to make the doctor’s appointment at the end of last week. She’s been hearing about my waking up in hip pain – which now has escalated to having little blocks of hours at a time where I can’t sleep because There Is No Good Way To Lay. I also was apparently making funny little pain faces when standing up or moving around at work. She said I was a stupid fuck, essentially, and that I should see the doctor. So I called and got an appointment (not with Dr. G, thank god, but with Dr. S – Green’s old doctor!) for yesterday.

Then two nights before the appointment, I was lying in bed when I felt a sudden stabbing sensation in my vagina going up through my womb. I had about five rhythmic pulses of this and it stopped; I went back to sleep. (I’m trying not to worry so much now. Ha.) On Monday I maybe had one vagina pain…maybe. Yesterday I was at work – and actually thinking about how it was already 1:30 and I hadn’t had a chance to lay down – putting my feet up and my body horizontal is a new part of my life. The next thing I know, I am getting monstrous pains. Not to be too gross or thoughtless, but it felt like I was being raped by a knife. Seriously.

Long intense pains running along the right side of my vagina.

So that became my worry. I told the doctor about the vagina stuff – and also that for the past two mornings, I had VERY thick mucus. Similar to the eggwhite discharge a woman has when ovulating. This is very different than the normal pregnancy discharge I’ve been getting. Crazy me thought it was my mucus plug and the pains were my cervix shortening or something. The doctor said, ‘If that was happening you would be having contractions, and we wouldn’t be able to sit here and have this conversation.’ She didn’t physically check my cervix, which was her only fault, but hey. We can’t all be perfect.

She diagnosed me with ’round ligament pain.’ This is a nice addition to my pubic dysfuntional pain giver thing I also possibly have. She was not too worried about my hips/back and said the focus right now is to rest, rest, rest. Apparently there are a couple of ligaments at the bottom of the uterus. They form a little diamond shape through which the cervix dangles down. These ligaments are responsible for holding everything up and in place. Because I am on a high natural dose of relaxin (a hormone your body releases when pregnant that happens to soften your ligaments), my ligaments are relaxing. Or relaxin’, if you will.

They are all stretching at an incredible rate, because my uterus is growing, growing, growing. Add the weight of two babies to that, and you start to get the picture.

The appointment was scary because she was really concerned I hadn’t felt the babies yesterday (I don’t really ever feel them?) and palpatated my tummy (first person to do this!), and then listened to heartbeats. Mano’s first heartrate was 100, which is freakishly low and that concerned us both. She went back to check Mano again and it had zipped back at up 153. Of course I made TMD check the hearts again last night. That doppler has been such an anxiety-saver and I am SO GLAD I bought it.

The doctor started talking about placental abruption and all sorts of other horrible things which lead to pregnancy loss. I almost shat myself. However, at the end I think she had satisfied herself – if not me – that this little problem had nothing to do with the babies, and it was just the fact that my body was having difficulty coping with this many babies. She said many ‘ladies’ can’t work during the duration of pregnancy, particularly with twins. (Somehow once you are pregnant you are a ‘lady’ and every other pregnant woman is as well. I don’t get this.)

We still have the 20 week scan next Tuesday. This scan will reassure us – hopefully – that both babies are doing very well. I don’t mind this semi-bedrest or pain at all as long as it does not mean the babies are compromised in any way. In actual fact, loads of rest is very helpful to twinnies in utero. But I won’t feel 100% calm till after the scan. My worst fear – as I’ve said – is premature labour so anything that staves that off is a good thing.

I’ve been signed off for two weeks initially. But I think this is it. When the two weeks are up I should be able to easily get an extension for the next seven (assuming I have that much sick leave left – will have to check this with Joy) and I think I’m going to ask for it. My body has been protesting the walking and sitting when I’m at work, and it’s time I listen to it.

Also: how the hell did I used to feel them so much and now I rarely ever do? I know Mano has an anterior placenta, and Torre sort of does too – fundal. I am aware that can cushion kicks. I am trying to choose not to worry about this as well, as no good comes from sitting here and being a bundle of nerves. I just want to write, write, write and take advantage of this time off work. But fuck, you know, sitting hurts my vagina. I don’t know how typing is supposed to happen. Right now I am supported behind by cushions, knees sort of up, laptop on my knees. This means I am leaning back which isn’t great for getting the babies head down or giving them a lot of room to perform in. I am going to have to figure out this typing position thing soon. Any suggestions welcome.

So. Thus endeth my novel of bedrest.

Oh – except for the postscript. Last night after I got home, I suddenly felt very wet (no nice way to say it), so I pulled down my pants to have a little looksie. My entire crotch region of my knickers was, well, soaked through. Like I’d pissed myself, except it wasn’t urine. Worry Monster kicked in that it was my waters breaking. Let me tell you, anxiety likes living in my brain.

Perhaps the other thing of note is boob-related. Remember how I had to buy bras that were a bit too big? They are now so tight that they literally leave indents on my breasts wherever there is a seam. My boobs are growing. And my nipples? Um. UM. Giant, and often white tipped. Truly suitable snow covered peaks for what is becoming a formidable mountain range.

Now that IS it. See you soon, no doubt, as I’m ‘resting’ all day, every day. I will upĀ  my Twittering – my name is Existere on there, so feel free to follow. I am going to write about exciting things like my water intake, vagina discoveries, and daytime tv. Aren’t you SO tempted?