Posts Tagged ‘spd’

SPD is a real, true son of a bitch.

February 22, 2013

My symphysis pubis pain came back this morning out of nowhere. It is extremely painful to walk, even with crutches.

I hobbled back to bed and ate Cheerios while laying on my stomach, as I need food before I take hardcore pain relief, and I couldn’t sit up. Imagine my joy post Cheerios when I realised I was stuck. Like a beached fucking whale. I literally could not roll from my stomach to my side/back.

Now TMD is all trying to figure out how she can take the day off. She has no annual leave left because it is all being used for this adoption shit. Her mum won’t come here to look after the children as ‘they’ll just keep pestering me anyway if I am in the house.’ I’ve never heard such a lame excuse in my life.

I’m hurting so badly, inside and out.

And the most awful thing is poor Coconut. She was due for gymnastics today. Her confidence and joy in the gym is finally back in full force after her broken wrist/arm, and she’s asked every day this week to go there. She spends most of her time upside down in handstands, and often says, ‘Welcome to the amaaaaaaaazing Coconut!’ I guess TMD is going to have to take the day off, as I can’t move even with the ruddy crutches. Hopefully she can take both kids to the gym.

If I’d been like this last night we could have action planned and just had loads of fruits and snacks the kids could serve themselves from today. We do have loads of workbooks, YouTube, toys, etc but it is still probably physically beyond me to look after them.

But no, I’m the mother who scared her little boy. He came in this morning to ask what was wrong, if I was okay, and it was when I tried to roll over to talk to him that I involuntarily yelped/screamed. He was so scared and backed away. I called out, ‘Honey, I’m sorry, Mama is just hurt. You didn’t do anything,’ but he was already shutting the door behind him.

I can’t stop crying. Fuck this pain.

I could really use some cheering up.

January 21, 2013

Well, for the .02% of you who missed my posts about symphysis pubis dysfunction, this one’s for you.

Two Saturdays ago I went for a Bowen treatment. My new therapist is so good, and I’ve been mostly cured for so long that we both thought it might be a good idea to have an appointment every two or three months as a maintenance thing, rather than waiting till things were at crisis point before going in. So I went. And it totally jacked me up.

I went back Saturday for a free treatment to try to fix things. It was helping, right till the end when I got two monstrous and surprising bolts of pain in my symphysis pubis. It was scary, but I didn’t think too much more about it. I was fine yesterday and today….right until I had some twinges in the joint. Zoom forward literally only two minutes and I was unable to walk.

So here we are again, unable to walk even with crutches, fully doped up. My Bowen lady is coming for a home visit on Wednesday. I am fed up and terrified and hurting. And surprised. It’s been so long since I’ve had this pain.

My period is due soon- today, really, though the ivf has messed me up so badly it might not come for another week or so. While my period hasn’t affected me much in the last five or six months, I am hoping that its arrival will help ease up this pain.

And, also, how am I supposed to watch the kids tomorrow? It’s all fine saying I can stay on the couch all day until you remember pesky little details like the fact they need to eat, and we are missing a kick ass birthday party. Fingers crossed I’ll feel more able in the morning.
So. That’s it.

Tearfully yours,

14 st 5. 41 pounds lost! And musings on disappearing disability.

November 25, 2012

Two pounds lost this week, though if I’m honest this has been the hardest week so far to control my eating. I’m falling back into my chocolate-salt-chocolate love affair, albeit with much smaller portions. But it is a bad slope, a hard to control slope, and one better avoided. I am sure it’s not a coincidence that I got my first headache yesterday since this new determination of weight loss (now many weeks have I been doing this? Someone please tell me. Maybe four?).

Tomorrow we go away on holiday. This will be tricky. When I was in weight watchers before I remember the leader saying we had three choices on holiday: still lose weight, relax a little and aim to maintain weight, or go fucking crazy because you are on holiday and just lose the weight when you get home. He said all three were valid choices. I think I will aim for number two.

I am still strongly in the mindset of getting this weight off. Interestingly, my knees have started to hurt. Bowen therapy is doing such amazing wonders for my pelvis (this new lady I have is like a miracle worker) that I think my body is starting to allow me to feel other pain that the hardcore pelvis pain has drowned out. I remember how good it felt to be at a good weight. I remember the total absence of hip and knee pain. I remember how good it was to walk into any shop and be able to find something cute, in my size, in minutes.

And, damnit, I remember wearing overalls/dungarees. Over here no one wears them, except perhaps butch lesbians?, but I wore them. And I miss them! Not sure I could wear them in public again, but oh…..I want to return to dungaree living.

I remember it all and I want that again. The freedom of movement, the comfort of clothes, the lack of pain. I was emailing, uh, Lady, and said to her that I still can’t believe I’m not in that wheelchair. In my mind, I remember the total emotional pain and complete inability to walk. It lingers. Yet I’m still surprised to see a picture of me in a wheelchair almost a year after they were born. In fact, the last time I used a wheelchair was only this past March.

I still have physical pain, still have days where walking is tough and scary, but I also get glimpses of my old life. My life pre disability: the particular way I used to cross my legs, ankle to knee, when I sat. Wearing a crossbody bag. I do these little things again, mostly without noticing or thinking about it. And it makes me wonder about a third life, a post disability life. Is that possible? Can it be possible?

I’ll always have the arthritis from the SPD. I’ll always need to return to Bowen therapy to help maintain my careful, still very new, balance. I’ll always be getting older, one day at a time, with bad genes that tend toward knee replacements and lower back pain.

But. But.


On the pendulum of pain, life, joy….is it possible to swing ever closer to the side of my old physical capabilities, away from the extremes of not walking and wheelchairs? For the first time in years, a small part of me really believes the answer is yes.

Wee related joys. Ending with a dose of poop, because we all need poop talk.

November 7, 2012

I don’t know if I’ve said this already or not, but I’d like to give yet another shout out to the wonder of wonders that is Not Doing Potty Training. I counted up on my fingers yesterday how long it’s been since the kids stopped wearing nappies, and I cannot believe it has been such a short time…..because I trust both of them 100%. Both had accidents for two days after deciding on no more nappies (a couple of months apart), and neither has EVER had any form of accident since.

Coconut has also been nappy free at night the whole time. Snort isn’t far behind, which is pretty amazing considering we used to have to change his nappy three or four times a night and the bed was still likely to be soaked. She’s commando at night, but he’s in pull ups and often dry in the morning.

We went to the library yesterday and all I brought was Snort’s meds (always have to have them with us, in their fucking giant clunky Tupperware box) and my wallet! This shit is awesome!

What’s not so awesome is my back. It’s dodgy. I have been moaning on my existere Facebook page rather than here, but Coconut’s arm has also been horrible. Three nights of no sleep, a return trip to the doctor for more pain meds, etc. I’m happy to say she’s now definitely on the mend. We are going on holiday in two weeks, so we are cutting this shit fine. The cast should come off two weeks after it was put on, then more x rays to make sure she’s healed. Let’s hope so, otherwise we cancel our holiday as it relies heavily on waterslides.

It’s sunny and gorgeous today, but my back is a bastard. I can’t walk too far, and am afraid of going any place that features three story slides or excessive jolting of her arm, so we may stay in. We’ve missed home ed group for the last three weeks, and the kids miss it, so I guess I try to rest my back for tomorrow. It is ‘s’ week and there are lots of activities planned – one is street dance and another is dressing as superheroes. So it does look to be an awesome time.

Of course, I still have to bring the damn potty because while Coconut now goes on the big toilet all the time, Snort still insists on the potty. I’ve started gently saying that soon we will be saying goodbye to the potty, but all in all I don’t have much to complain about. All our potties are now kept in bathrooms, to get him used to having to wee in there as opposed to our previous luxury existence of potties in most rooms.

This next bit might be dull to you, but it’s incredible to me. Yesterday morning he woke up, took off his trousers and night nappy, and put his trousers back on by himself. And twice yesterday Coconut (who takes her underwear all the way off to wee, since she has to climb onto the toilet) put her underwear back on all by herself.

And. AND. Snort had gone wee, I hasn’t noticed, and Coconut flipping dumped his wee out and washed his potty. I KNOW. She is a helper. As is he – he usually dumps out his own potties. Both are au fait with our reusable wipes (we don’t do toilet paper except for poop, though last week Coconut tried to wipe her own butt and poop that somehow got on the floor, which gave me the opportunity to learn that very poopy wipes do come clean in the wash!)

So. That’s what is new with us. What is new with you?

edit: twenty minutes after posting this, he went on the toilet. Holy wow!

Effity eff eff

August 9, 2012

Following the jinxed post of how great my pelvis is, I feel compelled to share that for the first time in months, I am completely unable to walk. Every day since I got kicked (!) in my sacral iliac joint, it’s felt worse and worse…and then suddenly this afternoon, I can’t walk.

It’s nice. I just used crutches, lots of drugs, and my wife to get to the toilet and I couldn’t help but scream a few times.

Right now I’m trying hard to remember that it will not always be like this.


August 6, 2012

Yes, my last post today? Still true.

Except that last night, Coconut (accidentally) kicked me extremely hard right in one of my sacral iliac joints. And today my pelvis is whacked up. But that’s like a knee sweep in the Karate Kid. His knee WAS fundamentally okay, but knee sweeps are unexpected and brutal.


SPD and PMDD. My two biggest pains in the ass, interlinked.

August 6, 2012

I think my hormones are getting back to a pre pregnancy level. Surely not, you say. That should have happened ages ago. My friends, it takes two years for your body to recover after an average singleton birth. And we all know mama didn’t have no singleton.

My SPD is pretty much cleared up. I’ve been afraid to say anything, in case I jinxed it. I genuinely did not think it would ever lessen to this degree, and I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m left with the arthritis the SPD caused, and still have some muscle/ligament problems in the pelvis, but by and large SPD flare ups have slowed. A lot.

Admittedly I’ve found a new Bowen practitioner. And I’ve also been taking evening primrose oil. So perhaps those things have helped, but I do know my hormones are shifting. Mainly because my old friend PMDD is back. Not the crazy rages of yore, but certainly the depression and despondency. Literally the day I ovulate, my mood plummets and levels out somewhere in Greyville. I also have horrendous cramps for those fourteen days, too. It. Is. Awesome.

So I guess I’m glad my body is regulating, especially considering the very nearby IVF cycle. However, it’s hard to rejoice too much when I spend half of every month in a giant, exhausted funk. It feels like I’ve traded one life ruiner for another.

I remember a time when TMD and I could predict my mood on any given day simply by where it fell in my cycle. Day 19 was a real whore, every month. And as soon as blood came? Back to normal. It caused me a lot of angst trying to define my normal, since half my time was spent feeling a way I did not want to feel. But my ex therapist always said not to shove those feelings aside. As if I could.

So I’m back to charting my moods. The most helpful thing I found in pre baby days was simply awareness. Knowing that I felt several levels below stellar simply because of fluctuating hormones.

My goal for today is to try to forgive myself for a few days of parenting that can only be classed as benign neglect. I’m taking advantage of their increasing ability to play alone or together for hours on end and dwelling in my own grey place. And despising myself for it. I aim to just relax, accept, and move on.

Here’s hoping.

What the fuck. Truly.

May 15, 2012

Writing while pooping, early morning, so I don’t lose my mind.

Just got a letter through from my old specialist. I have an appointment Monday for pain injections. My last chance as the unit is closing.

You know, the Monday I’m having my blood drawn for the AMH.

You know, the pain injections that messed up my periods for months after I took them. So would totally fuck up IVF.


Obviously I suppose I’m not getting them, but that’s a hard thing to say when yesterday hurt so much I had trouble walking.


Something you *don’t* know.

February 19, 2012

I get to do daily accupressure in my vagina. Aren’t you jealous?

Walking again.

February 10, 2012

Was walking without crutches or pain meds last night! Of course, it hurt a bit and our flat is really small, but it is a 6000% improvement over last Sunday.

Don’t know how I’ll do walking more than a handful of steps at a time, and I’ll be keeping my crutches close at hand, but still. Tis awesome.

It speaks well for my jacked up joints, ligaments, muscles, and bones that I have recovered so quickly from such a serious relapse. Of course, most props to my wife. She had to take the whole week off work to look after the kids, allowing me total rest. I’m sure this made things heals a million times faster. She’s lovely.