Posts Tagged ‘sahm’

After years of training to be a counsellor, I step out of the job market. I AM A BABYBABYMAMA.

May 11, 2010

I know I need to tell my job I’m not coming back, but I am so reluctant to do so. I know it’s not just about the whole ‘pain’ thing, as even if I was running marathons daily and baking wholesome treats on the side, I would still be dragging my feet (in a peppy sort of way) to tell them this ride is over.

I think it’s because right now I can pretend I’m still a counsellor at the best charity in the world. Oh, yes, I am still doing family therapy, couples counselling, one to one, play therapy. Oh yes, look at my active caseload. I get to glue shit to sticks and play make believe and get paid for it. My goodness, aren’t I just a high flying star on her way to the wonders of therapyland?

Of course I would rather stay home. Like, times a million. I guess I am just having trouble breaking up with work, which is a joke since in the two years I’ve been employed this June, I will have had a year of maternity leave, five weeks of leave over the accident, weeks of leave over morning sickness, a week off for fake appendicitis, and on and on and on. I AM A STELLER EMPLOYEE. The joke being that at my last job, the one I didn’t like, I was never fucking sick. Ah, pregnancy totally fucked over my current job, it did, it did.

I think I already have the panic flutters over having to haul my ass back into the working world in a few years. I told TMD I want to be a stay at home mom even once they are in school. She laughed at me.

Not having the internet for those couple of days last week really helped my little romance novel grow. Because when I have the internet, I have an inability to not take advantage of that*. Hell, I’m looking up Cookie Monster hoodies on eBay, I’m reading trashy mean forum threads about politics, I am finding new and annoying Facebook games to play, I am wishing I had The Sims installed on this laptop. ALL DANGEROUS THINGS.

I was just going to say I would stay off the internet today, but then I realised what a dumb thing that would be to do or say. Why, there are So Many Interesting Things on the internet, but I know one thing there is not…..an email to my boss saying I need to have a chat with her. Ha. I did have a dream about her last night, so no doubt The Talk (TM) is coming.

*This is like a double negative situation, and upon rereading I had to read this sentence a few times to make sure it said what I wanted it to. Even now, I’m not sure it does. Blame it on the codeine, yeah, yeah….

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AMAZE.

September 30, 2009

The word ‘amaze’ has been rolling around in my head for a good few days now. It’s what I want to do, it’s what I want to be. Amazing, amazed.

If you look at the word long enough, it starts to make your eyes go squiffy. Your brain starts wondering just what it means. And perhaps this is how it works, looking at it with a long, slow, sideways glance. A little lazy, even. Just keeping your mind and emotions open to the wonderous, the mundane, and something that which is both. Allowing yourself to take it all in.

That’s not enough for me, though. Perhaps it should be, but it just isn’t. Anything beautiful and inspiring gives me an odd feeling: aside from the predictable feelings anyone might have, it causes a little nibble of ache in my heart. I could be doing that, why aren’t I doing that, I am so capable of that. Ordinary life sometimes disappoints me.

A friend asked if I was signed up for NaNoWriMo this year. It made me laugh, initially. Nano doesn’t happen till November. It is still September. There are people all over the world writing plot lines, getting their coffee pots ready, geeking out in the most adorable way possible. And me? I’m like, shit, that’s November. Besides, shouldn’t writing be every day?

I don’t know who I am to judge, though, as it has been a long time since I’ve written a novel. Too long. I am now imagining that Nano might be a nice opportunity to teach me how to maintain steady writing (other than this blog and twitter!) with two newborns in the picture. I haven’t written any fiction since my pregnancy took a turn for the painful, and since the babies have been here it hasn’t quite been the last thing on my mind, but it’s been the last thing on my list of priorities.

I want to amaze myself more than anything else. I don’t know why I am not suitably amazed that I have seven week old twins and am doing just fine. I guess I AM amazed by that, but also worry that it could all go to shit in about 20 seconds. And sometimes it does, but mostly I am just tired tired tired. Wanting more me time than is allowable, head often threatened with a sleepy, slow nightmare headache, warm bodies snuggled against me. Today I have one baby in his cot, one baby in a bouncer at my feet (why aren’t you awake? It is time to eat!), one brain suspended somewhere between the two. One body glued to the couch, heavy and exhausted.

Amaze, amaze, amaze. What can I do to amaze myself today? This is a question I don’t want to be afraid to ask.