Posts Tagged ‘sadness’

SPD bringing me down.

January 16, 2010

On Wednesday I cracked up a little. Okay, a lot.

You see, everytime someone is supposed to come over and can’t make it for whatever reason, I find myself losing my shit, utterly and completely. You know my friend Aussie? Well, she lives in the city just south of us, where we used to live for years and years. We’re just north of that city now, and she lives in the very tippy tails of the south end, so she’s about an hour and a half drive away from us. (sigh, sob, etc)

We made plans for her to start coming up every Wednesday – until, of course, I have healed enough to actually leave the house. This past Wednesday we woke up, snow was everywhere, and I was like, ‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.’ So she was snowed in, yet TMD still left for work. (Though I went a little bit Rage Machine on her, bless her.)

I was so crazy that TMD took Thursday off so we could get out of the house. I never ever leave the house, you see. Someone asked in a comment what SPD stood for – it’s Symphasis Pubis Dysfunction. Basically, because of pregnancy, my pelvis swings in the wind….or even a slight breeze. Your pelvis is like a ring of bones connected at the front and back by little ligaments. One joint is located under your pubic hair (sorry, no way to say it and be graceful), the other on your back. The left side of my pelvis is stable, but the right side offers no resistance and moves freely. Your pelvis is not designed to move, so that’s why it hurts like a little bitch. There is no cure, but time usually gives your ligaments time to heal and things get back to normal. Usually.

We ended up going to a local mall-ish place and out to lunch.  We had to use the pushchair because I can’t walk very far with a baby on me, and TMD doesn’t wear both of them. While I felt down about this, the upside of pushchairs is that you’ve always got a place to put all your shit, and you can have a lunch while babies snooze next to you – so no worries about dropping hot food on them.

I did bring slings, so I got to wear Snortie in a ringsling and take him to the changing room to sort out his nappy. I felt like a real live parent, out in public with my son and changing his diaper. This was so exciting.

This little outing was like my life had been opened up again. I had such fun doing, well, nothing. Coming home I suddenly felt very blue and said, ‘What if I don’t get better? I’ve always thought I would, so it makes things manageable. I can say, you know, next summer we’ll go hiking with them.’ TMD sighed.

If I don’t heal, my life will be very circumvented. I can’t think about being permanently disabled, because it makes me feel inexpressibly sad. Yes, I’ve been ‘broken’ for about a year now (what with getting run over, and then the SPD!). But I have always thought of this in terms of a temporary illness or disability – one that will take time to get better, sure, but that I will recover from.

Now I find myself doubting, and it’s scary as hell. I can’t imagine a life where I can’t walk more than five minutes at a time. Where I can’t go out with my kids, where I can’t work again (not that I want to right now, but, you know!), where we have to carefully consider and plan every outing so that the minimum of movement is required. Where I have to pick restaurants based on the type of chairs they have, for fuck’s sake.

What if this doesn’t get better?