Posts Tagged ‘pgp’

SPD is a real, true son of a bitch.

February 22, 2013

My symphysis pubis pain came back this morning out of nowhere. It is extremely painful to walk, even with crutches.

I hobbled back to bed and ate Cheerios while laying on my stomach, as I need food before I take hardcore pain relief, and I couldn’t sit up. Imagine my joy post Cheerios when I realised I was stuck. Like a beached fucking whale. I literally could not roll from my stomach to my side/back.

Now TMD is all trying to figure out how she can take the day off. She has no annual leave left because it is all being used for this adoption shit. Her mum won’t come here to look after the children as ‘they’ll just keep pestering me anyway if I am in the house.’ I’ve never heard such a lame excuse in my life.

I’m hurting so badly, inside and out.

And the most awful thing is poor Coconut. She was due for gymnastics today. Her confidence and joy in the gym is finally back in full force after her broken wrist/arm, and she’s asked every day this week to go there. She spends most of her time upside down in handstands, and often says, ‘Welcome to the amaaaaaaaazing Coconut!’ I guess TMD is going to have to take the day off, as I can’t move even with the ruddy crutches. Hopefully she can take both kids to the gym.

If I’d been like this last night we could have action planned and just had loads of fruits and snacks the kids could serve themselves from today. We do have loads of workbooks, YouTube, toys, etc but it is still probably physically beyond me to look after them.

But no, I’m the mother who scared her little boy. He came in this morning to ask what was wrong, if I was okay, and it was when I tried to roll over to talk to him that I involuntarily yelped/screamed. He was so scared and backed away. I called out, ‘Honey, I’m sorry, Mama is just hurt. You didn’t do anything,’ but he was already shutting the door behind him.

I can’t stop crying. Fuck this pain.

I could really use some cheering up.

January 21, 2013

Well, for the .02% of you who missed my posts about symphysis pubis dysfunction, this one’s for you.

Two Saturdays ago I went for a Bowen treatment. My new therapist is so good, and I’ve been mostly cured for so long that we both thought it might be a good idea to have an appointment every two or three months as a maintenance thing, rather than waiting till things were at crisis point before going in. So I went. And it totally jacked me up.

I went back Saturday for a free treatment to try to fix things. It was helping, right till the end when I got two monstrous and surprising bolts of pain in my symphysis pubis. It was scary, but I didn’t think too much more about it. I was fine yesterday and today….right until I had some twinges in the joint. Zoom forward literally only two minutes and I was unable to walk.

So here we are again, unable to walk even with crutches, fully doped up. My Bowen lady is coming for a home visit on Wednesday. I am fed up and terrified and hurting. And surprised. It’s been so long since I’ve had this pain.

My period is due soon- today, really, though the ivf has messed me up so badly it might not come for another week or so. While my period hasn’t affected me much in the last five or six months, I am hoping that its arrival will help ease up this pain.

And, also, how am I supposed to watch the kids tomorrow? It’s all fine saying I can stay on the couch all day until you remember pesky little details like the fact they need to eat, and we are missing a kick ass birthday party. Fingers crossed I’ll feel more able in the morning.
So. That’s it.

Tearfully yours,

14 st 5. 41 pounds lost! And musings on disappearing disability.

November 25, 2012

Two pounds lost this week, though if I’m honest this has been the hardest week so far to control my eating. I’m falling back into my chocolate-salt-chocolate love affair, albeit with much smaller portions. But it is a bad slope, a hard to control slope, and one better avoided. I am sure it’s not a coincidence that I got my first headache yesterday since this new determination of weight loss (now many weeks have I been doing this? Someone please tell me. Maybe four?).

Tomorrow we go away on holiday. This will be tricky. When I was in weight watchers before I remember the leader saying we had three choices on holiday: still lose weight, relax a little and aim to maintain weight, or go fucking crazy because you are on holiday and just lose the weight when you get home. He said all three were valid choices. I think I will aim for number two.

I am still strongly in the mindset of getting this weight off. Interestingly, my knees have started to hurt. Bowen therapy is doing such amazing wonders for my pelvis (this new lady I have is like a miracle worker) that I think my body is starting to allow me to feel other pain that the hardcore pelvis pain has drowned out. I remember how good it felt to be at a good weight. I remember the total absence of hip and knee pain. I remember how good it was to walk into any shop and be able to find something cute, in my size, in minutes.

And, damnit, I remember wearing overalls/dungarees. Over here no one wears them, except perhaps butch lesbians?, but I wore them. And I miss them! Not sure I could wear them in public again, but oh…..I want to return to dungaree living.

I remember it all and I want that again. The freedom of movement, the comfort of clothes, the lack of pain. I was emailing, uh, Lady, and said to her that I still can’t believe I’m not in that wheelchair. In my mind, I remember the total emotional pain and complete inability to walk. It lingers. Yet I’m still surprised to see a picture of me in a wheelchair almost a year after they were born. In fact, the last time I used a wheelchair was only this past March.

I still have physical pain, still have days where walking is tough and scary, but I also get glimpses of my old life. My life pre disability: the particular way I used to cross my legs, ankle to knee, when I sat. Wearing a crossbody bag. I do these little things again, mostly without noticing or thinking about it. And it makes me wonder about a third life, a post disability life. Is that possible? Can it be possible?

I’ll always have the arthritis from the SPD. I’ll always need to return to Bowen therapy to help maintain my careful, still very new, balance. I’ll always be getting older, one day at a time, with bad genes that tend toward knee replacements and lower back pain.

But. But.


On the pendulum of pain, life, joy….is it possible to swing ever closer to the side of my old physical capabilities, away from the extremes of not walking and wheelchairs? For the first time in years, a small part of me really believes the answer is yes.

Effity eff eff

August 9, 2012

Following the jinxed post of how great my pelvis is, I feel compelled to share that for the first time in months, I am completely unable to walk. Every day since I got kicked (!) in my sacral iliac joint, it’s felt worse and worse…and then suddenly this afternoon, I can’t walk.

It’s nice. I just used crutches, lots of drugs, and my wife to get to the toilet and I couldn’t help but scream a few times.

Right now I’m trying hard to remember that it will not always be like this.

Something you *don’t* know.

February 19, 2012

I get to do daily accupressure in my vagina. Aren’t you jealous?

Walking again.

February 10, 2012

Was walking without crutches or pain meds last night! Of course, it hurt a bit and our flat is really small, but it is a 6000% improvement over last Sunday.

Don’t know how I’ll do walking more than a handful of steps at a time, and I’ll be keeping my crutches close at hand, but still. Tis awesome.

It speaks well for my jacked up joints, ligaments, muscles, and bones that I have recovered so quickly from such a serious relapse. Of course, most props to my wife. She had to take the whole week off work to look after the kids, allowing me total rest. I’m sure this made things heals a million times faster. She’s lovely.

A Zumba plea.

February 7, 2012

I’m laying here wondering what I can do. My specialist who actually understands spd has no appointments till March 26. And I’m already on the wait list for cancellations.

The hospital emergency room will not know enough to scan my symphasis pubis to see if it has separated. And even if they did, and it has, there isn’t anything they can do.

I’m pretty okay (though still in sharp pain) while laying in bed, on codeine and ibuprofen, icing my crotch. I’ve run out of arnica though.

But let’s be real, I can’t live my life with an ice pack strapped to my crotch and trapped in bed (watching awesome tv series, granted). I want to get Zumba dvds as a personal symbol that I am going to be fine. Fine. Maybe even walking just like normal next week.

(Damn these injections for wearing off. Damn me for believing I was fixed because they are so amazing. *Were* so amazing.)

Any of you buy Zumba and decide it wasn’t for you? Going to give them away anyway? I’ll give you my postal address. I am not kidding.

I just need to focus on the fact that I am going to improve, so I can stop thinking about wheelchairs and how I currently cannot physically care for my children.

A helpful tip.

February 6, 2012

Still in bed, but I think it’s slightly better.

Bad spd ladies, listen to me: an ice pack on your vulva is worth its weight in gold. Trust me on this.

Ow, ow, motherloving OW.

February 5, 2012

Oh, fuck me Joseph. SPD back. Can’t walk at all. Lying perfectly still in bed because even slightly shifting my right leg leads to lots of involuntary screaming. And crying.

Think god we never god rid of my crutches. Can slowly hobble to loo if I put no weight on right leg, try to move it as little as possible, and keep my legs perfectly aligned.

I love how I ran around in the snow this morning and was fine, yet a little trip over a toy pushchair where I put one foot down a bit hard? Total incapacitation. We are talking wheelchair city.

Going to load up on arnica, not move, and try not to panic. Painkillers should kick in soon and make lying still bearable. I’m hoping I’ll recover quickly, as my spd flares generally do nowadays – though none have been as bad as this. This is just like right before/after birth.

It feels worse, but that’s probably because I’m no longer used to this.

TMD just had to hold my ankles together and lift my legs into bed. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Trying not to panic.

Injections, take two.

September 12, 2011

As you read this, I’m in the hospital again. I’m writing on Saturday night, having just discovered I can write things and schedule them to post automatically in the future. Hopefully yesterday’s ode to past loves and dead birds posted okay.

Today – Monday – is my second batch of injections. It’s fair to say the first batch have made a significant difference in my life. The doctor said success would be a 70% reduction in pain. To me, success is that even when I’ve had pain, I have been able to walk every single day since those injections. Every day.

I’ve done more than I’ve done in awhile – though I still am not in the zone of what I would consider ‘normal’ – and I’m still waking up in the morning able to stand. Able to go on daily romps in the woods with my kids. I’ve only taken codeine a handful of times, and it virtually knocks the pain out completely.

If you’ve got a chronic pain problem – or a chronic fatigue issue, a chronic anything, actually – you’ll know about the tiring relentlessness of it. It just keeps coming. And I know I would resign myself to my ‘new normal’, but then another wave of depression or fear would hit and I’d sink lower than before. I want another baby. But I think, at this point, I want to keep getting healthy more.

When I failed my driving test – ohfuckityfuckihateyoudrivingtestisurelydo – I was upset because the first thing I’d planned to do with my saved money was join Weight Watchers. So I thought, ‘Oh, fuck you, driving test. I’ll join online instead. YOU DON’T OWN ME, LEGAL INABILITY TO DRIVE A VEHICLE.’ I’ve lost eight pounds since starting. So that’s thirty-eight pounds since baby A and baby B came out….and turned into two rocking two year olds.

I’m losing weight. I’m getting injections. I’m exercising more.

I’m doing what I can to heal physically, while still trying to heal mentally and otherwise – still realising my life is forever changed by this disability. I’m unlucky I followed a hunch to cross a road and not walk to a designated crossing. Fine. I did that.

Now I’ve got to do this.  I’ve got to do what it takes to keep walking. If any of you could send me daily reminders to do Pilates, that’d be good. These injections are a stop gap. They don’t last forever. While the pain is reduced I’ve got to get those core muscles in gear so they can start doing their job. So my ligaments can heal. So my life can keep expanding.

Have a good day, anyway. I’ll be reading this in hospital, so feel free to write me nice comments, since I’ll be all trapped lying down in bed in a room with five other women who are also trapped in bed.