Posts Tagged ‘pelvic girdle pain’

Invisibility.

May 25, 2013

The hard thing about being around close friends/family who were not around during my pregnancy is that they only know the old me. Someone healthy, without pain, with no mobility problems. My disability is mostly invisible. I don’t need a wheelchair anymore, and I often do not use crutches. The only things that are easy to see are that I am exhausted and not as active as I used to be.

To someone uninformed, I guess I could look lazy.

But when I have explained the situation, that I can’t lift heavy things, I have to stay still if I can’t walk well, etc…..well, if I’ve explained and you keep calling me lazy, then I suppose that’s the part where I should tell you to fuck off. Or ignore you.

Instead I am slowly being driven crazy, and very hurt that someone I love chooses to only see the worst in me, rather than the difference in me. I’m not the person I once was. I have to take care. Even on a good day, even if I’m walking for miles after taking my meds, I have to always watch myself. It’s very easy to do too much, or to take one misstep and reinjure myself. To prevent a total inability to walk, I have to take it easy.

Right now I need to readjust myself. I can’t force someone to not think I’m lazy, but I can try to use this as an opportunity to regulate my emotions around the issue.

I guess.

I know a rational conversation about it is what is needed, but I am close to snapping and saying very hurtful things I don’t want to say. So I keep my mouth shut. I love these people who think I am making my wife do everything, who think I am an awful, lazy person. I keep my mouth reined in because most of the time, it’s good. We have fun.

But I am feeling very strained, and last night I was very scared about my mobility. This disability is never going away. Neither is the related exhaustion and decreased physical ability. I’m pretty okay with this, trying to accept it and work with it. Most of the time I succeed. Now I just need to realise that I don’t need to be so hurt by this. Does it bother me that someone thinks I prefer sitting on my ass to helping out, even though I physically have no choice? Of course. But I guess there is no point getting so upset about it when I know the truth, when TMD knows the truth, when the way we do things makes sense for us even when other people think she does more than me. And of course she does, but again, that’s not always down to choice.

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SPD is a real, true son of a bitch.

February 22, 2013

My symphysis pubis pain came back this morning out of nowhere. It is extremely painful to walk, even with crutches.

I hobbled back to bed and ate Cheerios while laying on my stomach, as I need food before I take hardcore pain relief, and I couldn’t sit up. Imagine my joy post Cheerios when I realised I was stuck. Like a beached fucking whale. I literally could not roll from my stomach to my side/back.

Now TMD is all trying to figure out how she can take the day off. She has no annual leave left because it is all being used for this adoption shit. Her mum won’t come here to look after the children as ‘they’ll just keep pestering me anyway if I am in the house.’ I’ve never heard such a lame excuse in my life.

I’m hurting so badly, inside and out.

And the most awful thing is poor Coconut. She was due for gymnastics today. Her confidence and joy in the gym is finally back in full force after her broken wrist/arm, and she’s asked every day this week to go there. She spends most of her time upside down in handstands, and often says, ‘Welcome to the amaaaaaaaazing Coconut!’ I guess TMD is going to have to take the day off, as I can’t move even with the ruddy crutches. Hopefully she can take both kids to the gym.

If I’d been like this last night we could have action planned and just had loads of fruits and snacks the kids could serve themselves from today. We do have loads of workbooks, YouTube, toys, etc but it is still probably physically beyond me to look after them.

But no, I’m the mother who scared her little boy. He came in this morning to ask what was wrong, if I was okay, and it was when I tried to roll over to talk to him that I involuntarily yelped/screamed. He was so scared and backed away. I called out, ‘Honey, I’m sorry, Mama is just hurt. You didn’t do anything,’ but he was already shutting the door behind him.

I can’t stop crying. Fuck this pain.

Baby 3.0? Or baby oh.no?

November 5, 2011

Some lightweight conversation about baby 3.0 has happened. We really need about 6,000 more years of conversation, but time is not on our side. No decisions about any aspect of baby 3.0 have happened, except to say we’d quite like another child. And while we have two women in the equation, I’m really only okay with blogging about my personal experience until I get some TMD permission. And my experience at this point? Says no way in hell can I think about pregnancy before I:

a) lose remaining weight. Or at least enough to get me light enough to be okayed for donating eggs, though the lighter the better (for my joints, for future pregnancy gain).

b) manage to gain some core stability, since my pelvis is still freakishly wobbly. I’m seeing a new expert physio, who is very surprised indeed that 2+ years post birth I’m still getting pain in the pubis symphasis.

Whether I get pregnant or not – whether anyone gets pregnant – I do need to sort out my muscles. It’s pretty key.  I suspect more entries of the whining, self-righteous, or __________ may follow.