Posts Tagged ‘lists’

My vagina wants me to lay down again. *pity party*

April 9, 2009

Sitting up on the couch AND leaning back against it – two no-nos in the world of Twin Pregnancy. (Can you hear the horns announcing…Twin Pregnancy?) But you know, I don’t give a good fuck at this moment in time. Avert your eyes if you don’t want to see whining and self-pity.

But…I’m boooooooooooooored. Being at home is all fun and games assuming you are able and willing to move around. A life lived lying on your side? Totally fucked up, my friends. And I’ve got some kickin’ rib tenderness on my left side, which is made about a zillion times more uncomfy when I am lying down. So I thought, be a daredevil. Go on. Sit up, lean back, prop that laptop on your knees and experience typing from a normal position again.

It’s not quite as risque as buying a motorcycle and taking off for unknown territories, but it gave me a brief thrill for about ten minutes. Or five.

Fact is, I am clockwatching. I am waiting and waiting and waiting for TMD to get home. I’m lonely, bored, thirsty, uncomfortable, worried, etc. I am also radiantly happy and keep touching my bump. But honestly, the babies are okay company – but not quite the same as having someone with you who is living outside of your stomach. I need a hug!

I keep wondering how in god’s name I can possibly stay at home for another 18 weeks (if I deliver at 38 weeks, which is the plan) because HOLY FUCK THIS IS BORING. The upside is that all this rest means I am likely to head off bad complications from the SPD, preterm labour, etc. It also means I’m less likely to be forced onto actual never-leave-the-bed-rest. I know my job is to be a good twincubator and cook up some healthy, fat babies – but god.

I think I need something or someone to entertain me. Maybe a couch in the middle of some woods somewhere, with ambient bird sounds and leafy shadows/light dappling my body. Maybe the ability to sit up for more than 20 minutes without causing myself grievous pains and aches – and therefore being able to do some serious writing. Maybe the motivation to kickstart meditating (I’ve just bought Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living so maybe that will help?) and get into some sort of routine.

The thing is, I actually have a lot to do. Find a guy to make us a will. Download the legal documents to give TMD parental responsibility. Research dual citizenship stuff for the babies. Call the clinic and ask when we get the donor’s pen sketch. Ask them if the lady I donated eggs to got pregnant. Make a list of shit I need from work (my wind up sushi misses me, I am sure of it). Perhaps start filling in the paperwork to become a Superstar Therapist. Make a list of things for babies/my hospital bag. Make a list of stuff we need for the house. Call this strange local lesbian family to see if we can make friends, even though calling someone I don’t know makes me nervous.

But, crazy me, I feel like I can’t do any of that until my new orange notebook comes in the mail and I can make all sorts of crazy detailed lists in the book. Just for the satisfaction of crossing them out – but also because I feel better when I get things out of my head and onto paper. Or this blog, I guess.

Whine, whine, whine.

I spend my days flitting between tv channels. I turn my head sideways and read pregnancy forums, update twitter, mindlessly refresh my Facebook homepage, and check my email. Blog. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I am happy to be at home if it is the best thing for the babies and my body, but jesus why does it have to be so endless? Am I really capable of being home and essentially immobile for NINETEEN total weeks? Is my emotional health strong enough?

I need comfort.

Thinky thoughts.

October 13, 2008

On my way into work this morning, I was thinking about opportunities I’ve had – and turned down. I think it’s quite natural to look at things you decided against (for whatever reason), and I’m not sure why it popped into my mind.

You may or may not know I was offered the role of Clinical Supervisor for the company I used to be a counsellor for. Their therapists/counsellors work with at-risk young people in the inner city. I’m sure I probably wrote about it here, but not quite sure enough! I think I started to think about this because TMD is considering going for a supervisory role at her job, and this led me to thinking about my past experiences as a supervisor/manager – which were not in the therapy world, though were for a very therapeutic space (camp).

My last year with camp was 2002, after I’d already moved abroad to This New Country. It’s been a long time since I was a proper supervisor, though I acted as a senior member of staff at Day Job on occasion, and I wonder when that role will step back into my life. So of course I thought about the role I’d turned down, and you know what? I didn’t feel bad.

Focusing on TMD, our relationship, and our (hopefully) upcoming pregnancy seems more important right now than wondering when or if I’ll widen my counselling sphere to include other types of work. I’ve been offered teaching roles on training courses, and I wonder what my ‘niche’ will be. Though everyone around me is a family therapist or training to be one, I have no interest in further studying this area. (Did I say ‘further’? I meant ‘ever.’)

I still puzzle – how do I like being a family therapist so much when it’s an area I don’t really care for? I think much of it is down to Joy and Green, and the whole atmosphere that we create with the people we work with. Our office is about as non-officey as you can imagine. We want the people we work with to feel comfortable in this space, for it to really be a shared, creative place. This is what I like, and of course I do love working with the wide spread of people who come through the doors.

I am definitely not a goal-oriented type counsellor – or person, really. I make my crazy list of things to do in an effort to help me ‘control’ my day, but really I am happiest when I’m  bumbling along, trusting that things will just work out.

My list for this week is pretty hardcore. I am going to have to tear myself away from blogging at this instant so that I can manage to cross something off in the next hour.

Love to you all!