Posts Tagged ‘grief’

Thinking of you.

May 22, 2013

Lately I am mourning that third (and fourth?) child we didn’t get to have. As we enter the warmth of the year, when TMD’s belly should have been swelling and almost ripe, suddenly I am thinking about those babies that didn’t grow. The ones in her belly, the ones in that petri dish, the ones from four years ago.

We are entering a new stage in life. The kids are taking their own clothes off. That doesn’t sound like much, but oh, how much it portents. The independence. The ease at going out with them. The trust I have in their good sense and wide hearts, which grows deeper every day.

I know a baby or two would complicate that.

But I miss that baby.

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What not to say.

November 2, 2012

So I’m lying on the couch, totally immobile. I’m waiting for you to come help, like you said, at 7:30. At 9:30 my wife calls you, her mother, to find out where you are. When you finally arrive to find me lying on the couch, trying to play with my kids without actually moving, you say,

See, this is why I was worried about you having a third child. You gesture at me, broken. This is why I worried. Because if you were like this and needed me to help, how would I take care of three? I’m getting old. It would be too much work for me. This is why I’m glad you aren’t having another one.

I lay there, holding steady, while another part of me is wounded and raw and curling up to protect myself against your totally selfish and unthinking words. Because who cares if your daughter and her wife are heartbroken, if it saves you a little bit of work?

I don’t say anything like, I know you don’t mean to be hurtful, but I’m still very upset about TMD not being pregnant. Devastated, actually. So your words do hurt me.

Instead I say,’I wouldn’t leave a baby with you anyway. Little babies need their mums. And babies are the easy part. It’s older kids that need you to move around.’

You raise your eyebrows when I say babies are easy. And I remember how hard you found mine, even when multiple adults were around. But I didn’t find them hard. Or a chore.

I laid on the couch, immobile, with two little lovely people cuddled into me. It was a perfect time, a time I cherish, a time I won’t be able to have again….not with my ever growing kids, not with the other child. I feel our family isn’t complete, I feel hurt, I feel like I want to say words to you that you will find so hurtful. But I keep my mouth shut and think about writing it here, writing it for my friends, writing it to capture this raw pain.

And I won’t say this to my children in the future. If their dreams are punctured, their souls tired, I will say, ‘I’m sorry. I love you and I’m sorry this has not worked. Can I do anything to help?’ I may think about me, about the impact their dreams have on my life, but the only words I will ever give to a grieving child will not be about me.

Mash up. With no music, sorry about that.

November 6, 2010

What should I write about? The book I’m working on? All I can say on that topic is that my Inner Editor has been checked into a kennel for the month of November, as suggested by the wonderful NaNoWriMo book No Plot? No Problem!

Don’t feel too bad for my….oh, I just realised the initials are IE. That makes me feel sad because it has been years since I’ve used Internet Explorer due to the inherent suckage. Well, maybe the editor sucks, too. At least during the first draft. (Though I write an okay first draft, I think.)

I’ve been low, low, low this week. Part of that is that this is like the fifth week with random sicknesses, the dreaded time change, and evil molars. Part of that is an email I received from a friend. Someone I met on twitter, but someone I think I’d like to hang with in real life. At least she lives in my country, so there is a remote chance.

At any rate, she sent a gentle email questioning whether it was smart to have another baby. You know, what with the SPD.

I thank her for that. I appreciate it. It’s all too easy for me to breeze past things and forget how truly awful they were; it’s all too easy to pretend that the daily level of pain I have is ‘normal.’ Thought I guess it is, at least for me.

Still, this email has been rolling around and around in my mind. Hence all the Snickers eating, the wanting to do nothing but sleep, and the feeling like shit. (Internet friend, if you are reading, I have also just ovulated so that also contributes. I do not write any of this to make you feel guilty!)

But the question remains. Dare I risk a second pregnancy, when there is a lot at stake this time around? Namely, two little people who already depend on me.

I’m going to shy away from thinking about that at the minute.

My cheeks are a weird combo of cold and hot – we’ve just been in the park pushing the kids in the swings. I am unbelieveably tired, but the walk helped shift me from comatose to just exhausted. It’s sunny, the leaves are vibrant colours, and it’s not really that cold. A lovely combo.

So.

What else to say?

I’m listening to a Christmas radio station on lastfm. It’s kind of shit, so anyone out there who also likes to indulge in a little maudlin homesick holiday music on lastfm, do let me know a good station. And if you don’t know lastfm, I have just blown your mind. It is everything right with the world.

Anyway. I haven’t weighed myself for a few days. I was somehow managing to stay the same, but wonder if that has held out. I have so many things that seem like priorities, but the only real thing I want to do is curl up under my duvet and watch Friends.

Somehow, though, I doubt that goal will help me achieve a substandard living as a romance novelist (I’ll write more about this soon, if anyone wants to know more.), lose weight, or reply to any of the zillion emails I am so shit at responding to. I’ve read them all, people, and thank you for them. I am happy to have you all in my life. I just get a bit frazzled and overwhelmed sometimes.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m supposed to crack 10,000 words today and I’m only at 7,000. I’ve added a Nano word count page (look at the top right of my blog) for anyone geeky enough to want to follow along to see how much I’m writing daily. If only I could add blog posts into that count.

*waves*