Posts Tagged ‘grammar’

Bodily shaking and baby making.

October 17, 2008

OH MY GOD. I would write this entire entry in capital letters if good grammatical sense wasn’t so deep rooted.

Just talked with the nurse. She said the woman I am donating eggs to is only five days behind me, period wise. She thinks that this means I can skip the extra month’s waiting and the birth control pill. What does this mean?

THAT I WOULD GO IN TOMORROW TO BEGIN TREATMENT. Wha

————

Okay. She called back.

My shaking body subsided with a proper crash: things are back to usual. I begin taking the pill when my period comes next week, go in to the clinic to run through everything with the nurse, and treatment begins. But there is STILL a bonus. They will begin ‘down-regulating’ me (this means switching off my normal hormones via injections) at day 14 or possibly even earlier!! Normally downregging begins on Day 17ish.

The nurse said her goal would be to have the entire treament cycle complete by the end of November/early December.

She also said that the woman who will be receiving my eggs is very, very excited. I just made the absolute switch from being unsure to feeling absolutely delighted about helping another woman conceive a child.

Part of me still feels crushed that things aren’t rolling tomorrow – and I feel upset as I’ve been calling the clinic all week as I suspected there might be a snowball’s chance in hell of sorting this out. If I was in the office alone I might cry, maybe? But on the other hand, I feel completely delighted, ecstatic, and hopeful that by the time Christmas is here I may be preggo with one or two eggos.

If the time span of 10 minutes can send me on this much of a high and low – not to mention TMD who was blasted from nowhere with a phone call saying we might begin trying tomorrow – I wonder what the rest of this journey will be like. I’m reading a good book now (the IVF one on my ‘baby books’ page – just started it this morning) and it says what a lot of things do: view IVF as a journey, not an instant fix. However, facts remain that most people have a successful pregnancy within three cycles of IVF.

Am I naive and too optimistic? I’d rather feel happy during this process than emotionally ripped apart. I think many women who end up at IVF have done just that – ended up there after months or years of trying other options. TMD and I have chosen to just fast forward through all that and START with IVF. I feel really solid about IVF. I really fucking hope it works first time, though.

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Meeeeeeeeeeeemories.

September 30, 2008

I just wrote ‘once and awhile’ in the previous post. I’ve fixed it now, but it horrifies me.

My friend/ex-roommate Cookie once dated this girl we’ll call Crazy Short Girl. Now, Crazy truly was crazy, but I think it was her grammar problems that sealed the deal for me. And for Cookie, come to think of it.

In a totally non-crazy way, Cookie and I read Crazy’s blogs for years after they’d broken up (and the blog of her new gf. I know, right?) and Crazy had this annoying habit of writing ‘all well’ every third sentence. As in, ‘All well, I guess things are working out.’ She meant ‘oh well.’

I hope I am not turning into her, with my ‘once and awhile.’ Ga-ga-ga-gross.

Are these people cookoo, or LuLu?

August 1, 2008

Over the past couple of days I’ve been a very active lurker at the NaNoWriMo forums. I find the random questions forum quite a nice way to alternatively applaud creative people, judge posts for bad grammar, answer the odd question here and there, and just…well….spend a lot of time.

Today I scrolled down the page and found there are actually a lot of forums. I’m in one now that talks about what to do once you’ve written your novel. In particular, a thread discussing self-publishing.  People were discussing a particularly well known self-publishing website, and someone was asking about book sales. Individuals were incredibly optimistic about their chances to strike it rich, even when they found out most people sell about 4 copies a year….to friends and family.

In a way it’s nice that they think they’re going to break the mold. In another way, it all seems stupid. No point in dressing it up. Why would members of the public (forgetting that most people aside from aspiring writers wouldn’t know this site existed) choose to buy online from an unknown author who probably wasn’t able to get published by an actual, reputable, conventional company? (Yes, I realise someone might make a valid choice to not want to go down a more traditional route.)

Of course, there are some books about very specific made-up alien communities that sci fi people might adore. Or books about how to hang doors or something.

It sounds mocking, but I do realise there must be a solid sort of satisfaction from holding a hard copy of your book in your hands. One that you have had total control over – including details like the cover design. I know it was incredibly cool when I received a copy of a poetry anthology I was published in. Something about how different your name looks on that sort of paper, I think. And that you could lift that book up, the one with your name on, and smell it.

And it smelled like a real book.

That shit is cool. There is no point in pretending it isn’t.

So cool that I might write something just for myself, or write mini-books for friends, and go through this website. I would also love to have hard copies of my blogs – but the task of going back and trying to save them all (and format them) seems a bit too massive for me. I suppose this blog is relatively new, and my first one was relatively small, but my blog in the middle was really my baby. I miss her.

Is that ridiculous?

‘Pajama drawer has been packed, so it is now going in with bedding and white cardigans.’ -TMD

May 21, 2008

Dear god, the internet has been crazy like a little bitch, which is why I’ve not been here much. While it’s working, I figure I’d better cram in a week’s worth of information while I can. It’s a shame, as I actually have loads to say. Strap in.

1. As of 9:30 am this morning, we have purchased our first home. We just have to go pick up the keys! Today we’re going to be moving up Things That Should Not Get Packed – ie fragile things, pictures, plants, and possibly whatever loose crap we can fit in the car. We officially move on Friday (thanks in advance to Aussie!). We have not yet informed our broadband provider that we are moving – I know, don’t judge – so I’m not sure when I’ll be back online. If I go to work (notice the ‘if’) I’ve got access there, but feel a bit worried about updating my diary on public and shared computers. We’ll see.

2. Weight Loss Wednesday – stayed the same this week. Was the same most of the week, and finally lost a pound. Then came yesterday. I was actually in pain from being hungry, and I’d had waaaaaay more to eat than is strictly necessary. Has anyone ever had this? I’d call it The Hunger. The day ended with a late and heavy meal, which is reflected on the scales this morning. Am I disappointed? Sure. But really, with the way I’ve been packing on the pounds lately, it still seems miraculous to stay the same.

3. Yesterday on the train back from my counselling gig, I was just thinking about how much I love TMD. I have been so happy lately – and I would also say WE have been happier than ever lately. I was thinking that I feel more in love than I did at the beginning, and wasn’t that just unexpected and marvellous. I think there is something to be said for sharing a life together for approaching eight years – and all the good and bad that is contained in that. To be fair, we haven’t had too much bad….but a couple of periods of general not-so-happy-ness.

We’ve seen each other in every possible light, in every possible emotion, and I love her more because of it. I think this is where the happiness comes from. It feels quite unconditional, and I can’t imagine TMD ever purposefully hurting me. I never thought I would have this level of trust for another human being, ever.

4. This is slightly related to #3. One of my adult clients said they don’t think ANY relationship exists where at least one partner has not cheated on the other, and that they doubt it is possible to have a relationship genuinely based on honesty.

I love you, TMD.

5. I’m leaving Day Job, and I got this fantastic email from a young woman I’ve been working with for about three years, maybe a bit longer. One highlight of my job is that I can now read text speak at almost the same speed as normal typing. That aside, she wrote one line that really touched me – ‘Thank you for simply doing your job, but changing my life.’

That is the power of Day Job, and indeed of every job I’ve had. Because I work with people, there is such huge potential to change my own life and help other people change theirs. By just doing what I’m getting paid for – rather spectacularly, though, if I do say so myself – this girl thinks I have changed her life. And she is probably right.

I feel so sad that I will not be able to stay in touch with her. I have really struggled with managing my own emotions about this situation, and have also questioned whether or not to give her my personal email when I know that is TOTALLY inappropriate. So I haven’t done it.

The girl said she hopes she bumps into me on the bus one day, and I have to say I hope so too.

—-

Okay. Can’t think of anything else I really wanted to say at this point, and it’s probably better if I go and join TMD in her packing efforts. I’m hearing a lot of exaggerated sighs, so I suspect my blog time is limited anyway.

Love to you all, on this marvellous Wednesday.

‘Anyway’ instead of ‘anywhere.’ Interesting Freudian slip, if I do say so myself.

May 16, 2008

I’ve got a friend who is eight days into a ‘walk’ from the bottom of this country to the top of another country. Reading his (too short) blog entries makes me feel like I am missing out. I want to talk to weird old men with banjos, carry my home on my back, and get tough man-blisters.

I compusively reread A Walk in the Woods, wanting oh so badly to walk the Appalachian Trail. Let’s get it clear: I’m not crazy. I have no expectations of being in a condition – financially or physically – to be able to do such a massive undertaking. But I’d be happy with just a wee smidge….if I could be sure there were no ax murderers in the woods.

I think my craving for the outdoors is getting spooky. I watched the finale of some show about people recreating pioneer life this morning, and I actually cried when the people had to go back to civilisation. Boooooooooy howdy.

I always think about writing – you can do it anywhere. And if I pulled my finger out and managed to make at least a bit of money, I might have more space and freedom. I want to go on a little retreat in the woods, just me and my wonderful laptop, but somehow real life always seems to get in the way. I have tremendous admiration for those people who have a real life that goes against everything our culture would say you need to be successful.

To a certain degree, TMD and I have that. We are both in careers where we’ll never make the big bucks. We care about people, the community, and ourselves. We want to make a difference. But sometimes I think about how I spend so much time and energy making a difference to other people, inspiring them to go out and live the life they want, and I feel thwarted. What happened to TMD’s singer/songwriter life? And her cards?

What will happen to all the words in me I haven’t written yet, and what about the ones I have? My brand of crazy is quite powerful. Intellectually I can know I’ve got strong writing skills – but I read powerful things by people who can’t write for shit, and I wonder if my ideas stack up. Are they good enough? Am I good enough? My sessions with Kleinette – and my own brain – made me try to believe that I was slow cooking. I wasn’t done yet, and that was okay.

I don’t know how okay it is.

I know that a lot of my emotional energy is completely in wanting a child. Psychologically, I’ve got the training to be able to offer some really great analysis of why that is. But you know, I’ve wanted children since I was a child myself. I don’t regret waiting until we were more settled. And most of me does believe that different parts of life just naturally slot together, that things work out.

I guess this entry is a result of being bored, locked in a house full of empty boxes with accusing stares. I’ve got a lot of time to write, and all I do is sit around thinking about how much I want to be writing. Crazy, right?

(Yes, I know that flair has a VERY bad spelling mistake. Oh, the irony.)

Tales of famous people.

May 6, 2008

So….I recently found the blog of a published writer here on WordPress. In her latest post, she typed ‘sorted’ instead of ‘sordid.’ Join me in the gleeful evil.

In other news, I saw the guy who wrote/starred in ‘Shaun of the Dead’ in the grocery store this weekend. Aussie and I were disappointed to have not followed him to his car, as he only lives one street over. If we knew what car was his, we could pose for pictures with it in the dead of the night.

And speaking of knowing where people live, Smeagal from ‘Lord of the Rings’ apparently lives just round the corner as well. Aussie followed him home once.

We’re not as uncool as we seem, I sweeeeeeeeeear.

I heart Google search poetry. Next challenge: no words of my own.

April 1, 2008

Feeling like throwing up but not really.
The facts stand on their own:
lesbians want babies,
I can’t find
my ideal job, grammatical error
is
everywhere.

At this stage of life
you never know.
I may write
life changing novels,
or I might
poop in public. Perhaps both.