No matter what they say.

Just so I don’t forget one minute of this scintillating TTC drama.

You know I had that dream about the sperm donor? Well, the next night (the one before we got our guy) I had another dream. We got two sperm donor applications. One hand written with a positive pregnancy test taped to it (to prove his fertility?), one giant piece of artwork that had all these philosophical sayings on it. I was pleased with him.

The night after (night three, keep track now!) I had a dream about the egg recipient. She was weird, but not so weird I felt she didn’t deserve my eggs or something.

Night four was last night. I didn’t dream at all, that I remember. Except it turns out that TMD’s boss did – she told TMD she dreamed we’re going to have a little girl.

So that’s it on the dream front. This morning I  made my first IVF ‘friend’ in real life. As TMD pointed out, I don’t ever ever talk to the other women because I’m too busy talking to TMD. This lady was opposite us today in the waiting room, though, and we all launched into discussion. She was envious of our ages, and kept saying she’d waited too long. She said she wished she’d done it when she was younger.

Six failed IUIs, and on her second attempt at IVF. She said she refuses to believe her eggs are too old. She was a lovely old hippy, and all I could think was, ‘I’d give eggs to you.’ I don’t know when I turned all altruistic and stuff, but I DO know that while my crying jags seem to be suppressed since I figured out The Plan, I am in uber pain.

And so tired. Beyond tired.

I am going to leave work soon and end up magically on the same train as TMD. I am probably also going to demand pizza, because TMD keeps saying how amazing I am for doing this for us. Muhahaha. I also have the Thanksgiving card to play.

Yes, that’s a point. About TMD, I mean. The nurse showed us into the office this morning then went to review the scan with the doctor. TMD turned to me and told me how beautiful I was. She said I had appeared glowing and gorgeous through this whole thing, even when I felt mopey. TMD said I looked comfortable in my body, was at a nice weight (she likes the curves, yes she does), and repeated how beautiful I was.

When you find someone who sees your beauty at 8:30 am as you are twisting a piece of paper nervously on your lap, hair all fucked up in a messy ponytail, you have found love. And you know what? I feel beautiful.

I am all bruised and swollen and tired, and I am beautiful.

L, M, N, O, PEE.

So, another day in work freakishly early because the clinic appointment was so early. My follicles are looking good. Seven visible on the right, five on the left. She said there  may be more follicles that she hasn’t seen. It was a different lady – very nice, but also very quick. The other one really crams that dildocam in and works it in every direction.

TMD said she was ‘measuring all kinds of stuff,’ so I’m pleased the follicles are big enough to warrant measuring. I asked the lady if they were approaching the right size or still had some growing to do, and she said they still have some growing to do.

I have to say, just between you and me, that I am extremely physically uncomfortable. I am on a train to Ovary Land. I have long passed the station labelled ‘awkward,’ and would say ‘uncomfortable’ is behind as well. We are taking brief forays into ‘pain’, but the train stays pulled into ‘constantly feel like I need to pee as badly as if I’d just woken up’ station most of the time.

Sitting down is..not painful, not uncomfortable – somewhere in between. Same goes for walking, though I’ve developed a nice waddle that sort of helps. Jesus, right?

They can’t verify the egg collection will be Monday. If it’s not Monday, it’ll be Wednesday which totally fucks things up – my leave from work will be screwed up, everything gets messy and uncontainable, etc. Of course I want them to take the eggs when my follicles and lining are ready for it, and I will rearrange everything else, but UGH.

I hate uncertainty.

No word from the clinic re: new donor. The guy we rejected was stapled to the front of my file this morning. I’ve got a crammed schedule, so TMD is going to be in charge of stalking the clinic today. I have Dream Donor in mind but am not aiming for perfection. TMD is really upset that she ‘broke the baby’ because she didn’t like the first donor. It’s all just a bit wobbly at the moment.

I’m feeling stressed. Was bordering on tearful when Joy asked how I was. I have supervision in thirty minutes, and wouldn’t be surprised if the tissue box plays a major part in it.

I just like to be able to schedule things, to have certainty. To know, say, that when my eggs come out there will be sperm to meet them.

Your job? Cross your fingers that we get a super cool donor today, who IS ‘fertility proven.’ Also send some eggy-type vibes my way telling those little fuckers to grow, grow, grow because I’d like to have them up outta me come Monday.

I said to TMD, ‘Remember on the weekend when I said I couldn’t imagine my ovaries feeling more full? I was so naive then.’ I truly cannot imagine what I will feel like after a few more days of this. Even if the egg collection is scheduled for next Wednesday I might take Monday and Tuesday off. I just wish I had more annual leave. I am bearing a grudge towards the counselling contract I had at the start of Operation Fingerpaint, which necessitated taking 5 days off. I feel less bad about screwing them into the ground and backing out of the supervision contract.

Irk.

Have to pee.

Ain’t no party like a Diet Coke party.

This whole baby thing is already driving me slightly crazy. I don’t know what it will be like to be actually trying for a child, because right now I haven’t had anything done to my body (not really, anyway), and I already feel I can wear the label ‘trying to conceive’ without it being a total lie.

Went to my doctor’s in my lunch hour to pick up blood tests – only two results were back. They were the two I didn’t even need. There is a big question mark over the other tests and whether they will be free or not. Tomorrow morning I’ve got blood tests at our non-free clinic – tests for cystic fibrosis as well as a chromosomal analysis. This is to make sure I’m not donating eggs to other people that will hatch baby monsters, I assume.

I am just not a take-it-easy kind of person, much as I would like to think I am. I need to have things planned out, have a clear outline – at least in relation to babymaking. I’d like to know when we can start, and there is so much uncertainty in the air I’m always feeling a wee bit nervous. I also feel really really positive, though, so that’s the good part.

Every time my right abdomen hurts, I get annoyed because it means I will have to go ahead and have the laparoscopy. Annoying, and I bet they find nothing aside from the tiny cyst non-free clinic found. (Free tests did NOT find it. I am not surprised – you get what you pay for?)

I also know I’ve got the tendancy to go a bit obsessive. I think my major task right now is just relaxing. To that end, I am drinking tea again on occasion, as well as the odd Diet Coke. Go, me! I’m so crazy I don’t know what to do with myself!

Erm.

This time next year…

Feeling all mixed up – am I upset about donating eggs? IVF? Uncertainty? Postponing things?

My head feels very full and heavy, and my body is slow like molasses. I woke up this morning and the thoughts were immediately whizzing through my head – should I do this? Is this REALLY want I want? Am I the only one upset here?

This was after a night of IVF dreams. Busy, busy head.

I am making plans to go forward with IVF, one step at a time. Booked an appointment to see one of my normal doctors – the pregnancy friendly one. Hopefully I will be able to get her to refer me to blood testing – I need more comprehensive tests if I am to donate eggs to another woman. These are expensive tests, and if my doctor sorts it out they will be free. Cross your fingers for free and timely!!

I’m all over the place emotionally – just imagine how crazy I will be with IVF hormones. If you choose to read my diary during that time, you’d probably better invest in a sturdy seatbelt. I am also going to call Kleinette today. Just typing this I’m getting a little teary, so going to allow myself some time to settle into work before I scurry into another room and tell my ex-therapist I need to talk/cry/puzzle/laugh. Just one session, even.

TMD suggested it this morning, and I think it would be valuable. We have a couples session scheduled at the clinic in a couple of weeks time, but it is hard to think we will be able to relax and use the space productively. Particularly as part of this woman’s job is evaluating whether or not I am in a good head space to donate eggs and undergo IVF. I think of counselling as a non-judgmental safe space, and it’s hard to think of it as having some sort of evaluation attached to it.

Still, I know the way I am feeling and the conversations I’m having with TMD (which usually happen as we are on a walk and I am crying! Joy!) are perfectly normal and appropriate ways to be reacting to the stress of this situation. Finances are such a huge worry. I don’t want to feel that I donated eggs just to get the kickback of very cheap IVF!

How much am I willing to give up or put us through in order to have a child? I don’t know what my limits are, but I am scared I might find them.

Despite having a mild case of the crazies (and during the normally cheerful part of my cycle!), I feel really positive about the outcome of IVF. I’m young, healthy, fertile. Why SHOULDN’T I be one of the women who have successful implantation and pregnancy?

Hard to focus on work. Will no doubt be back here again throughout the day. I also still want to put down in words about the wonderful effort TMD made for my birthday.