Posts Tagged ‘crazy’

Proof I’m not crazy.

May 31, 2013

I received an email from a friend who shall remain nameless. Her family is on holiday abroad, and they accidentally locked one of the children in the rental car.

No help was forthcoming, so she started grabbing bigger and bigger rocks to smash a window. Se finally ended up going Crazy Mama Bear with a huge rock slammed into the window.

And you know what she was thinking while this was going on?

Boy, I wish I had one of Existere’s window smashing key chains.

See, people, it has more uses that just breaking windows that are underwater . It can break landlubber windows, too. Let this be a lesson to you.

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Thanks for only charging me for an hour, driving instructor o’ mine.

October 29, 2008

Soooooooo…..my driving test was cancelled. I called them three times beforehand to keep getting the message that while snow was everywhere and the roads were shitty, I should just come in case everything melted. So I had an hour’s lesson, rocked up to the test centre, and – no surprise – no test.

Joy and I have been talking a lot about magical thinking. ‘Magical thinking’ is a term derived from psychotherapeutic training. It means, simply, that people think they hold sway over the universe. Like, for instance, me saying something like, ‘I know my next counselling client will definitely arrive’ will somehow twist things around and they will not show up.

Three year olds call this ‘jinxing.’ Counsellors call it ‘magical thinking.’

I think virtually every person on the planet has this to an extent – it helps us feel important, in control, influential. People always are the star in their own made-for-tv movie, with everyone else playing extra roles. So why wouldn’t the star assume that a well-placed thought or comment could sway the script?

My ex-therapist once said to me, ‘Existere, that’s magical thinking. Do you really think you have enough power to control the universe?’

I seriously considered the question, then laughed and said, ‘Yes, I do.’

So when the snow was pelting down last night (three inches in under an hour? To this country, that’s like a national emergency) and TMD pointed it it could interfere with my driving test, of course I became mildly obsessed with it. I kept saying that I hoped it would be cancelled. TMD just wanted my test to be over and done with. I hopped out of bed this morning at the crack of dawn and was delighted to see our road covered in snow. I checked every five minutes or so.

When the snow/ice started melting just before ten, I felt disappointed.

So when the test was cancelled, of course I assumed it was because I wished it to be so. Magical thinking, my friends. I can’t help but feel a little disappointed – I think I might have passed today. Driving on snowy roads makes me feel surpremely confident and right at home. So, if you connect a to b to c, that means I am really disappointed in myself for wishing the test would not happen.

Crrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy.

I am comfortable in my own craziness, though. I like it.

The driving test people apparently will send me an automatic new test date/time. It’s bound not to work because of the Great Baby-Making Escapade of 2008, so I’ll reschedule for sometime in January. Seeing as snow is much more likely in January than October, I might actually be approaching giving birth by the time I take a test and pass it.

Yours truly,

Master of the Universe

Grr? Sob? Grr.

October 26, 2008

Day three of taking the pill, and I am feeling crazy already. I can’t attribute the crazy to the pill, of course, but it is highly weird for me to feel this level of anxiety and sadness after I’ve already gotten my period. Normally if I’m going to feel extraordinarily blah, that happens before the momentous event of blood-in-panties.

This is even weirder since my PMDD has completely calmed down since May, when we moved out of the city. Having trees and space agrees with my mental health, surprise surprise.

I am worried about the upcoming driving test, there’s no getting around that. So these feelings are probably at least a bit related to that. My old team leader met up with me for some sparkling apple juice (we are party animals) a couple of weeks ago, and she pointed out that my perfectionism isn’t doing me any favours, and perhaps I should just loosen up. Fine. I recognise that as a good suggestion – I just don’t know how to loosen up, that’s all.

My IVF study-a-thon has said that how a woman tolerates the birth control pill can be indicative of how she will respond to the IVF meds. Let’s hope, then, that this funk is nothing more than an ordinary Sunday blahness, with perhaps a dash of fighting-the-flu thrown in for good measure. Because otherwise I’m in for trouble – as is TMD, the faithful wife, witness, and participant to me and my individual brand of the crazies.

Fucking driving test, man.

And, you know, all the other stuff too.

I used to be on the birth control pill about a hundred years ago, when man-sex was not only a viable option, but a fairly regular occurance what with my steady stream of long-term monogomous boy-relationships. The pill didn’t make me crazy then; I don’t seem to remember any side effects. But that was a triphasic pill. I don’t know what this one is. Every pill is exactly the same as the others, though, so it’s definitely not triphasic.

Some women at Day Job said they refused to take the pill because it turned them into raging monsters. Perhaps I have now joined their club. Hip hip fucking hooray!

Number one on my wishlist…

October 14, 2008

I have been worrying lately that I’m too much of a worrier. Like my brain instantly jumps to The Worst Possible Outcome in any unknown or ambiguous situation. I’ve been reading Becoming a Mother and realising that everyone thinks they have cancer at some point, or just KNOWS a mysterious man will rape them on a dark street, etc.

So.

What prompted this? The clinic rang and left a message while I was in a clinical meeting. I rang back. The girl said they had the test results, and then put me on hold for ages. Of course I thought, ‘Oh Jesus, I’ve got a chromosomal fuck-up and they are discussing the best way to tell me.’ Turns out the girl was just new and didn’t know what she was doing.

End results: every. single. blood. test. (I think we’re talking about twenty!) is back and everything is a-okay. The head nurse is due to ring me back and discuss the treatment plan with me. This is it: it’s all real now. We are doing IVF.

I think this means I begin taking the pill when my vagina next emits The Blood, and then on day 17 I start forcing TMD to give me injections while I keep my eyes averted. Then I will bleed once more, then more shots, and ultrasounds, and blood tests, and egg harveting, and ICSI, and embryos being put back into Uterous Land. Phew. At that point I will pregnant until proven otherwise….and have an endless wait till I get a blood test confirming whether or not we are pregnant.

BABY TIME, people. Baby time.