Posts Tagged ‘books’

Inside my fingers.

October 22, 2008

Finished reading the IVF book – have to check something over for TMD right now, so may not post my blurb about it till tomorrow. The one thing it keeps repeating: do not take on new projects while you are doing IVF.

Nanowrimo is so close, and I have the novel thanks to The World’s Greatest Invention Which Will Remain Top Secret Lest You Steal It – I want to do it. Somehow silly me thinks that having something else to concentrate on might be a good thing?

Another part of me is remembering a great book I gobbled up on Monday night, sitting on the floor of what must be one of the world’s largest bookstores. It made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

The IVF book was so focused on straight people, and infertile people, that I sometimes found it off putting. I am not infertile (touch wood), after all. My only problem is the lack of sperm. And, actually, IVF makes a lot of sense to TMD and myself. We think it’s a great way to try for a baby.

Doom and gloom, information about how terrible it is to feel infertile….I don’t know that it did me any favours. Misery loves company, sure, and I recognised myself in a lot of the emotions explained as I am not the patient type.

But where is the real literature representing lesbians? The stuff that isn’t afraid to show the funny side along with the tearful one?

Note: Katie gives great flair.


Bodily shaking and baby making.

October 17, 2008

OH MY GOD. I would write this entire entry in capital letters if good grammatical sense wasn’t so deep rooted.

Just talked with the nurse. She said the woman I am donating eggs to is only five days behind me, period wise. She thinks that this means I can skip the extra month’s waiting and the birth control pill. What does this mean?



Okay. She called back.

My shaking body subsided with a proper crash: things are back to usual. I begin taking the pill when my period comes next week, go in to the clinic to run through everything with the nurse, and treatment begins. But there is STILL a bonus. They will begin ‘down-regulating’ me (this means switching off my normal hormones via injections) at day 14 or possibly even earlier!! Normally downregging begins on Day 17ish.

The nurse said her goal would be to have the entire treament cycle complete by the end of November/early December.

She also said that the woman who will be receiving my eggs is very, very excited. I just made the absolute switch from being unsure to feeling absolutely delighted about helping another woman conceive a child.

Part of me still feels crushed that things aren’t rolling tomorrow – and I feel upset as I’ve been calling the clinic all week as I suspected there might be a snowball’s chance in hell of sorting this out. If I was in the office alone I might cry, maybe? But on the other hand, I feel completely delighted, ecstatic, and hopeful that by the time Christmas is here I may be preggo with one or two eggos.

If the time span of 10 minutes can send me on this much of a high and low – not to mention TMD who was blasted from nowhere with a phone call saying we might begin trying tomorrow – I wonder what the rest of this journey will be like. I’m reading a good book now (the IVF one on my ‘baby books’ page – just started it this morning) and it says what a lot of things do: view IVF as a journey, not an instant fix. However, facts remain that most people have a successful pregnancy within three cycles of IVF.

Am I naive and too optimistic? I’d rather feel happy during this process than emotionally ripped apart. I think many women who end up at IVF have done just that – ended up there after months or years of trying other options. TMD and I have chosen to just fast forward through all that and START with IVF. I feel really solid about IVF. I really fucking hope it works first time, though.

Number one on my wishlist…

October 14, 2008

I have been worrying lately that I’m too much of a worrier. Like my brain instantly jumps to The Worst Possible Outcome in any unknown or ambiguous situation. I’ve been reading Becoming a Mother and realising that everyone thinks they have cancer at some point, or just KNOWS a mysterious man will rape them on a dark street, etc.


What prompted this? The clinic rang and left a message while I was in a clinical meeting. I rang back. The girl said they had the test results, and then put me on hold for ages. Of course I thought, ‘Oh Jesus, I’ve got a chromosomal fuck-up and they are discussing the best way to tell me.’ Turns out the girl was just new and didn’t know what she was doing.

End results: every. single. blood. test. (I think we’re talking about twenty!) is back and everything is a-okay. The head nurse is due to ring me back and discuss the treatment plan with me. This is it: it’s all real now. We are doing IVF.

I think this means I begin taking the pill when my vagina next emits The Blood, and then on day 17 I start forcing TMD to give me injections while I keep my eyes averted. Then I will bleed once more, then more shots, and ultrasounds, and blood tests, and egg harveting, and ICSI, and embryos being put back into Uterous Land. Phew. At that point I will pregnant until proven otherwise….and have an endless wait till I get a blood test confirming whether or not we are pregnant.

BABY TIME, people. Baby time.

Being helpful on a Tuesday morning.

October 14, 2008

Up on the right there, you’ll see a link called ‘baby related books.’ This is where I’m planning to keep track of the books I read that are relevant to this topic, including little blurbs that will help jog my memory. I welcome any suggestions of stuff you feel is worth reading!

I may do a therapy books section as well, although that would have to be a ‘best of the best’ type situation because I’ve read hundreds of the things. I imagine at some point the same will be true of ttc/pregnancy/baby books.

Lists make compulsive people happy.

October 11, 2008

Thus far today:

1. Drove to another little ‘city’ (ie village in the middle of nowhere) and oohed and ahhed over the autumn foliage.

2. Picked up a new old sofabed from said city.

3. Joined our local library (which is amazing with lots of windows) and I checked out the full ten items allowed.

4. Found The Best Friend’s Guide to Pregnancy in a charity shop for 2.00.

5. Came home to amend my Amazon order that I placed yesterday – ordering that book! Got excited about how to spend my bonus 3.00 to bump it up to free delivery.

6. Got royally fucked by Amazon, who instantly stopped my order from being amended once I cancelled the one item, boosted up my postage and packaging, and would not get free again even when I added the 2.98 (BARGAIN) DVD of Halloween.

7. Sighed in resignation when I cancelled the DVD order. I am fated to never own my favourite movie, clearly.

8. Tried to get over the whole affair by remembering the taste of the McDonald’s Veggie Deli sandwich I just had – and cold french fries. I love cold french fries.

9. Watched an episode of ‘Blossom.’


Next up for today:

1. Paint the ceiling of the spare room.

2. Wash the walls in sugar soap so I can paint them tomorrow.

3. Think some more about Nano.

4. Go for a walk? Enjoy the sunshine? Take a nap? Fingerpaint?

5. Possibly put the load of pictures I took for this blog onto the blog.

6. Relish my last weekend with no driving lessons.

Morning talks that should be televised due to their educational content.

October 9, 2008

This morning before leaving for work, I said to TMD that I was upset about something I should actually be rejoicing about: that John (my train station friend) seemed to be avoiding me. My lovely wife said, ‘Of course. You are avoiding him because he is a freak. You do not want him to avoid you because YOU are a freak.’

Then who should plop down next to me today but John, a huge smile on his face. He looked at the book I’m reading (David Copperfield) and launched into discussion on Charles Dickens. This merged into a talk about the home of George Shaw. By the time the train came, we were pondering Society (as opposed to ordinary society).

On the train, we began to talk about the Holocaust. You know, as you do with an almost-stranger at 9:17 in the morning. John pointed out that so many people divide things into black and white, so I enlightened him on Melanie Klein’s theory about this. I also recommended he read Those Who Save Us, a book Cookie mailed me last week.

All in all, a good start to the morning. I think John’s uniquest quality is what appeals to me and also makes me avoid him – his knack for skipping anything looking like social niceties and just jumping into a deeper level of conversation. It’s slightly off-putting, throws me off whack, yet I admire his ability to do this.


September evenings smell so good.

September 20, 2008

Went back to the clinic this week for – drumroll, please – more blood tests. We also had ‘counselling.’ Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had an intensifying feeling that I really may not be very good at my new job. Still, TMD keeps doing impressions of the counsellor we saw, and I think all I have to do to remember that I don’t suck is realise that at least I’m not OPENING MY MAIL during sessions.

Still, she hooked us up with what will probably be a useful network, told us to sort out our wills, and also showed us a book I really rilly want. It’s called Our Story, or something like that. It’s the story of two moms and their baby/child – how they had to go to the hospital to help get pregnant, etc. It’s not as creepy as Heather Has Two Moms (sorry, I know I am offending all you right on lesbians out there, but I remember that book being fucking WEIRD), and has cute kid-drawn illustrations. I want it, dudettes. Only seven smackaroonies.

The other useful thing the counsellor said was that we are already trying to conceive. In a bizarre way I already feel pregnant, though obviously that hasn’t happened. However, A Good Friend Who May Wish To Remain Anonymous thinks she’s pregnant with the next Jesus, and if that’s true I’m pregnant with Jesus III.

I think the only thing I have any doubts about is donating eggs. Am I not the altruistic kind? In a way, it feels like giving a child up for adoption or something. It’s odd as I have no ethical qualms about using donor sperm; though I do think women tend to be more precious about their eggs. Since our visit to the clinic on Thursday (?), I’ve been googling ‘IVF versus IUI’ a lot, and I am feeling really rock solid about IVF. It is the right choice for us.

There are fears – if IVF doesn’t work, it would feel sort of hope-draining to have to go ‘backwards’ to IUI. But as much as I resist it, I am feeling ridiculously positive and shining about the baby I know IVF will bring us. We’re going to the clinic again next week to have the IVF consult. The only thing hanging over my head is this fucking laparoscopy. The pain in my lower right abdomen is clearly going away, and I am so impatient to cook me up some baby pancakes that I almost don’t want to bother with the surgery. I’ve got the consult for that next Monday.

I’ve been to hospitals/clinics/my doctor more times since July than I have in the ENTIRE time I’ve lived in this country.  (Oh, I’m almost an official citizen! My ceremony is on October 6. Rock on free passport holder!)

Have I ever told you about Daisy and Joey? When we were growing up, my sister liked punching me in the stomach. Fuck knows why. I got around this for a number of years by telling her I had twins growing in me. At one point, another baby called Petunia joined the crew – but it was really Daisy and Joey who ruled the roost.

In a completely crazy, mostly unscientific sort of way, I am convinced we are going to have twins. One in four IVF births does result in multiples, so it’s not too unreasonable to think it might happen to us. I think the whole Daisy and Joey argument is perhaps erring on the side of wack-a-doodle-doo…..but my friend Opposite Gender Soulmate told me he had a dream a few months back that he was looking at pictures of me and TMD on Facebook, and we had twins. While he initially wrote this off due to stalking my profile AND seeing a scary movie about twins (why oh why didn’t I ask the name of it? I wish my wife liked scary movies!), he now says he thinks he ‘saw the faces of our future children.’

He also pointed out that I do like having two of everything (ie ‘one for best’).

Fuck it. If I’m not allowed to be chirpy and charmingly superstitious in my own diary, where can I be?

(I still am having big pooping problems. TMD is not amused.)

PS – The counsellor asked me what my orientation was. My reaction was a quiet astonishment, since I was there with my wife. Turns out she meant my theorectical counselling orientation.

PPS – I had a PPS but wanted to get down the PS first, and now I forgot it. Fuck.

PPPS – Fuck! Thought I remembered it, but then got dissauded by another PS and now I think I’ve forgot that one as well.

PPPPS – YES. Had a dream last night – been dreaming a lot about IVF. Last night we had two perfect embryos ready to be put back in my womb, and it was a boy and a girl. (No, we’re not planning on asking for this information in real life.) This is what TMD would like to happen, and I turned to her in the dream and sort of sigh-talked, ‘It’s just what we wanted!’

PPPPPS – I changed the name of this country’s currency for ‘smackaroonies.’ Am I uber-paraboid or what?

For John.

September 19, 2008

I sat down on a bench at – where else – my train station this morning. No sooner had I read a couple of pages of The Stand, the guy next to me said, ‘Look at this.’ He held out a very tattered book full of notes in the margin. He flipped to the title page where he had drawn out an elaborate mind map and pointed to the middle circle.

‘This says women like men with emotional variety. Do you think that’s true?’

An odd beginning to a conversation with a complete stranger, but also a complete delight. Our conversation meandered along – gender politics, accents, counselling, psychics. At the end he offered his hand and asked for my name.

If there were more Johns in the world, what an exceptional chance we’d all have for early morning meaningfulness.

Gay musings.

August 27, 2008

People keep finding this diary by googling ‘How can I tell if I’m gay’ or some variation. I tell you, if you’re even questioning, good for you!

I realised this morning that I simply did not realise that the way I saw the world and my place in it was any different from the way other people perceived things. I’m currently rereading House of Stairs, a book I read over and over as a child – and the gay subtext is HUGE. This never occured to me as a child. On one level, why would it? Rainbows and other ‘gay clues’ were not in my vocabulary then. However, one teen boy blatantly in love with another?

I guess it just didn’t strike me as odd.

I also knew I read Hey, Dollface and Annie on my Mind – and the second a good many times. A few years ago I went on a kick to buy childhood/adolescent books I’d liked. I was completely shocked when they were lesbian books – no clever little side story, but THE main plot of the books. Particularly the Annie one (one of the best books ever – read it now!!)…

Is it odd I found my way to all sorts of hidden away homosexual books? Is it strange I never thought reading them was cladestine, unnatural, etc?

I told TMD this surely ups my gay rating. I also went on a big theoretical lecture tour (just to TMD, you understand) about why my first MA and PhD were all about dystopian texts – books where the vast majority of society is living life a certain way, and usually quite enjoying it. The heroine/hero, though, they feel different inside, often having to go on a great life-threatening text to create a place they can be themselves – or, in fact, compeltely alter society for the better.


Other great gay books I should read?

Paranoia looks good on me.

August 7, 2008

So excited about . I am going to try to only put charting stuff over there, because I don’t want to start diverting info from here to there – I once had a good number of blogs going, and while that’s fun in a sick way…it’s also just sick.

I plan to upload all the info into an online fertility chart maker, so that at the end of each month I’ll also have a traditional chart done. Am reading an excellent book now – can’t remember the name, will get back to you – that is specifically aimed at lesbians, though I think it would make a useful read for anyone interested in fertility and conception. The only thing that minorly scared me was how timing is absolutely crucial in terms of IUI.

IUI = intrauterine insemination. Specially prepared sperm is injected directly into my uterus, as near as possible to the entry of the fallopean tubes.

More about that later, I suppose. I’m alone in the office at the moment, and the rain sounds lovely against our millions of windows. I wish I could stay in all day, but I’ve got a little field trip out this afternoon. This would be exciting were it not my third field trip of the week, and the least wow factor-ish.

I have lost three pounds since Monday, putting me at 8 pounds overweight. I don’t want to lose now because it apparently has quite an impact on fertility. Yes, a high BMI can fuck your fertility – so lose weight well before you plan to conceive. But dieting in the three months or so before conception can screw with your hormones. So I suppose I aim to maintain my weight, or else lose it at an excruciatingly slow pace.

Also trying to think in terms of baby food. What I feed my body now will definitely impact on the baby – from their implantation right through the pregnancy. I also deserve to honour myself with healthy and realistic eating.

Speaking of which, I’m quite hungry now. Can you hear my stomach grumbling? (That’s different to ordinary rumbling, you see, because my stomach is acutually quite opinionated.)

Been thinking about the whole clinical supervision thing as well. I admit I have sent an email saying I am interested, but I really have a gut feeling that it’s not right. It would be a fabulous opportunity and I do think I’d enjoy it and learn a lot, but I do think maybe there is something in the idea of creating space in my/our lives for this baby. Will talk to TMD again tonight to clarify my thinking, and then possibly email the director of the company.

Everyone agrees this is a wonderful thing to do – but these are also the very people who do not know about The Great Baby Making Plan of 2008.

In other news, the pain in my right side is still alive and kicking. Have made an appointment to see my doctor on Monday. I may switch to a new doctor in my local area after the cyst is removed, because I don’t want this lady to think I’m a hypochondriac or something.