Posts Tagged ‘books’

I gave Snort waxy ears, TMD gave Coco a love of chocolate.

September 14, 2011

Snort is out of hospital. Blah blah long story glad he’s home.

Coco is sick. Snort’s sickness, minus the inability to breathe.

Nana (MIL) is out taking them for a ride in the pushchair as we speak. Well, as I type. By the time you read they are probably home and my too brief break is, alas, over.

I am going to enter the writing contest. My brain is working overtime with reasons why I should not enter – voting has already started and I haven’t even reread the lonely little chapter that was written about six months ago. I don’t even care. I stand by what I said, this is an exercise in being brave. Of course, the fact that hundreds of people will be leaving comments makes me leary. Not to mention this being the first exposure to my work the publishers will have had.

See? Brain, overtime.

Don’t know whether to submit under the penname I have had ready for this genre for years, or under my own name. Probably my own at this point. If I want to be truly brave and authentic. Of course, that means I can’t force all of you to go read my entry and comment due to real name issues. Of course those of you who are curious, let me know. I will be letting you all know when I do submit the thing.

(Have you seen that old John Carpenter movie, The Thing? Just wondering.)

This is a random entry because I’m alone and wanted to write but didn’t actually have a flash of inspiration burst into my brain. Feel free to leave a question you’d like me to answer – long enough for a blog entry, people! – or a suggestion of a topic. Then I can get into Mah Groove and write a whole burst of posts.

In the meantime, I’m still recovering from my injections and trying to keep Snort in The Yellow Zone. (Green = healthy, Red  = back to hospital, stat!) Aussie is coming up tomorrow and bringing vegan chocolate cake with her. Coconut will think she has entered a new plane of joyful existence.

As TMD says, chocolate has broken Coco. On the odd occasion we let her share a pack of chocolate buttons with Snort. There is a book (Mommy, Mama, and Me) with a bit about a Mommy packing a healthy snack. She used to point to the brown blobs and say, ‘Raisins!’ Now she says, with authority, ‘CHOCOLATE!’


My first true multiple orgasm..s.

May 25, 2009

I’m here, I’m alive.

This is super short as TMD is helping run a bath for me. I just wanted to let all you curious bystanders know that two days ago during our daytime nap I had multiple dream-gasms. I woke up to hardcore contractions (still painless) that took an hour to subside.

My dream self actually rang up the national helpline in order to press medical professionals for confirmation that sex was/wasn’t okay. Sneaky bitch!!

The contractions were sort of scary and since then, no dream-gasms. The night after the nap, dream self tried for more sex, but some more sane part of me slapped her ass away from the sex because my uterus was already starting to contract.

This may be the end of the dream-gasm as we know it, though I have just given TMD a very detailed plotline of Flowers in the Attic and I know that book certainly got the juices of a much younger me going.


God wants you to make sandwiches.

May 12, 2009

Bleary eyed, I looked at the book TMD had put by the side of the toilet. It was 101 Tips to Be a Great Mom – courtesy of the latest love package from my mother. TMD had stuck a note on the cover:


TMD yelled from the kitchen, ‘Did you see the book I put by the toilet?’ She skipped into the bathroom and said, ‘It’s like this: Tip 78. Make your child a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, it’s a great way to show you care.’

Then her voice morphed into a deep toned, demonic sound and she boomed out, ‘Plus, God loves peanut butter and jelly.’

You can imagine the fun we had with this. We’re left wondering if Mom just picked up a book and looked at the first few pages (nothing about God on the cover or first five tips. Sneaky Christian publications!) and thought it looked nice….or if this is another step in her efforts to convince us of God’s glory.

I’d rather have the pb&j, personally.

23 weeks pregnant – twin bump pictures! Also I am hosting baby kickboxing tournaments at present.

May 2, 2009

25 April – 22 weeks 4 days preggo with the twinnie eggos. (Also no stretch marks at this point!)


I know this isn’t the most anonymous of pictures, and therefore I am breaking my own rules, but I thought I needed to share that every single time TMD takes bump pictures, I end up with terrible sneezing. I have to lean over and really brace myself, making unattractive grimaces, in order to minimise pain and pissing myself!!


Baby bump a dump. The day I wore this shirt is also the day that I got to ride in a motorised wheelchair around a store. I am sorry I do not have a headless picture of  that shot, because I enjoy it. If you are my facebook friend, it’s now my profile picture. If you are NOT my facebook friend but are not a crazy stalker, perhaps at some point we will be friends?!


29 April – 23 weeks 1 day pregnant with the babies.


I don’t know why, but apparently now I am obsessed with sneeze photos. As you can see, this is an action shot – hence the bluriness.


We bought this top very early in pregnancy. TMD suggested I should try it on – and it fits. Shock horror. We originally bought it ’cause I liked the pattern, though it looked completely fucking ridiculous…it was literally like I was wearing a tent. Now it is all screwy fitting – lots of room across the top back, but pretty well fitting across the bump. This top is two sizes too big AND a maternity top.


This is me attempting to convey the width of the bump. I don’t know if it truly comes across.


I have lots of pictures of vitamins, daisies, and my cat, but have decided to show you the view from my latest hospital bed. Above these curtains is the ceiling – painted an apricot orange. The whole thing is like living inside a sunset. Hopefully I’ll never need to spend longer than a night at a time in this particular ward…(not because of the sunset colours, though.)


Last night I took another bath. I’ve gone from thinking they suck to feeling like they are an indispensible part of being alive. I always liked baths, but pregnancy has made them uncomfortable. No longer. My bump is so big it happily sticks out of the water of even a totally full tub, so I don’t feel I have to worry about accidentally poaching the babies.

ANYWAY. It was awesome!

Something I didn’t tell you about the hospital stay was that the first night they listened to the babies with these special monitor things – big round circles they put on your tummy. I just kept saying, ‘How cool! This is just like those baby shows on tv!’ I think the midwife thought I was weird. Moving on…

The babies sounded like they were fucking kickboxing in there. Extreme kicking on both side. And it was SO LOUD because we could hear both at the same time, and the volume was turned way up. The midwife laughed and said we were going to have our hands full when they arrived.

The interesting thing about this is that I discovered a whole new feeling of baby movement. What I had assumed were giant, killer gas bubbles abruptly shifting (you know the feeling, admit it) was actually babies. So now I’ve got low down gas earthquakes, kicks in every direction, and general squirminess. They seem particularly active around 9-11 pm.

So back to bathtime. I was feeling primo kicks, and also saw Mano kick – my bump shot upwards about an inch!! I screamed for TMD (as you do) and she came in. Mano kicked again and there was no mistaking it as us just being hopeful – even pragmatic TMD said she saw the movement. She also put her hand over it and Mano kicked again, so she felt him! Was so happy.

After awhile she left me to my own devices (that means I was reading Make Lemonade for the fiftieth time and loving it). I began to feel the gassy feelings I’d had when the babies were kickboxing at the hospital. I looked down at my stomach and fuck if it wasn’t like some sort of deathmatch going on! Both babies were kicking – saw lots of right-sideways-bump-lurching courtesy of Torre – but with both babies going, my bump was swaying slightly from side to side and sort of slow motion rippling!

I don’t know what they are doing in there, but I don’t know if it looks fun!

I think I’m going to go now as I have to pee so badly I am sure I will leak when I stand up. Add that to the fact that I’m wearing a Fat Lady nightgown my mother sent over (with a maternity belt over the top of it), and you have one hot sexy girlie. I can’t imagine why people aren’t flocking around from neighboring streets, begging to have their picture taken with me.

My vagina wants me to lay down again. *pity party*

April 9, 2009

Sitting up on the couch AND leaning back against it – two no-nos in the world of Twin Pregnancy. (Can you hear the horns announcing…Twin Pregnancy?) But you know, I don’t give a good fuck at this moment in time. Avert your eyes if you don’t want to see whining and self-pity.

But…I’m boooooooooooooored. Being at home is all fun and games assuming you are able and willing to move around. A life lived lying on your side? Totally fucked up, my friends. And I’ve got some kickin’ rib tenderness on my left side, which is made about a zillion times more uncomfy when I am lying down. So I thought, be a daredevil. Go on. Sit up, lean back, prop that laptop on your knees and experience typing from a normal position again.

It’s not quite as risque as buying a motorcycle and taking off for unknown territories, but it gave me a brief thrill for about ten minutes. Or five.

Fact is, I am clockwatching. I am waiting and waiting and waiting for TMD to get home. I’m lonely, bored, thirsty, uncomfortable, worried, etc. I am also radiantly happy and keep touching my bump. But honestly, the babies are okay company – but not quite the same as having someone with you who is living outside of your stomach. I need a hug!

I keep wondering how in god’s name I can possibly stay at home for another 18 weeks (if I deliver at 38 weeks, which is the plan) because HOLY FUCK THIS IS BORING. The upside is that all this rest means I am likely to head off bad complications from the SPD, preterm labour, etc. It also means I’m less likely to be forced onto actual never-leave-the-bed-rest. I know my job is to be a good twincubator and cook up some healthy, fat babies – but god.

I think I need something or someone to entertain me. Maybe a couch in the middle of some woods somewhere, with ambient bird sounds and leafy shadows/light dappling my body. Maybe the ability to sit up for more than 20 minutes without causing myself grievous pains and aches – and therefore being able to do some serious writing. Maybe the motivation to kickstart meditating (I’ve just bought Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living so maybe that will help?) and get into some sort of routine.

The thing is, I actually have a lot to do. Find a guy to make us a will. Download the legal documents to give TMD parental responsibility. Research dual citizenship stuff for the babies. Call the clinic and ask when we get the donor’s pen sketch. Ask them if the lady I donated eggs to got pregnant. Make a list of shit I need from work (my wind up sushi misses me, I am sure of it). Perhaps start filling in the paperwork to become a Superstar Therapist. Make a list of things for babies/my hospital bag. Make a list of stuff we need for the house. Call this strange local lesbian family to see if we can make friends, even though calling someone I don’t know makes me nervous.

But, crazy me, I feel like I can’t do any of that until my new orange notebook comes in the mail and I can make all sorts of crazy detailed lists in the book. Just for the satisfaction of crossing them out – but also because I feel better when I get things out of my head and onto paper. Or this blog, I guess.

Whine, whine, whine.

I spend my days flitting between tv channels. I turn my head sideways and read pregnancy forums, update twitter, mindlessly refresh my Facebook homepage, and check my email. Blog. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I am happy to be at home if it is the best thing for the babies and my body, but jesus why does it have to be so endless? Am I really capable of being home and essentially immobile for NINETEEN total weeks? Is my emotional health strong enough?

I need comfort.

…sun glinting off a river…leather couches.

March 25, 2009

In an altogether awkward, reflective mood today. Had a bad night last night, and a badish morning today. Every now and then these little bubbles of the unpleasant and unexpected pop up, and I wonder where they have come from and when they will go away again.

I also am thinking about my grandmother today. A few days ago my mother emailed me in response to my bump pictures and said, ‘I hope grandma can see you.’ I didn’t know what she was talking about – she was grandma, and hadn’t she just seen all the photos? TMD said, ‘She means YOUR grandma.’ A surge of something came over me – guilt for not remembering, loss for what I/she/TMD/the babies are missing, warmth at her memory.

This morning Chirp wrote to me about my grandmother, out of nowhere – with a quote of what she thinks my grandma would say about all these babies. It made me smile, and tear up a little.

The Polish Catholic part of me, the part of me who just started reading Eat, Pray, Love today (thank you, Tia!), thought for just a second – is this my grandmother trying to come through to me? Twice mentioned in one week after a too long absence? Then the pragmatic part of me briskly slapped me about the face and told me to gather myself in, to be real.

Today I am in the office for a little while in the morning, then lay down/eat lunch for an hour, then travel across the city to go to an afternoon training. It’s in a big, iconic building that every tourist will have seen – right along the river. I’m going to push myself out of the crowded public transport system and wind my way to the river, walking along the banks to go to the training. While it’s a slightly longer route and walking is not my friend these days, I long to see the sun bounce off the river, to see all the crowds, to walk along and marvel that I, plain old Existere from a countryish background in an ordinary backdrop, now live in this (mostly) extraordinary country.

Here’s hoping the sun cooperates.

After the training I’d like to find myself a little hole to curl up in with this book, sometimes reading and sometimes thinking about my very slipped Buddhist practice. My mother and I had a conversation last week where she told me to pray to God with  my worries, that everything was out of human control anyway. I said I thought most things were actually our choices, actions, etc.  We came to a somewhat happy compromise – an altogether interesting thing to happen when our spiritual views are (I think, anyway) far apart.

But whoever you pray to, whatever you believe or don’t believe, I suspect many things are actually one and the same. TMD’s strong atheism makes me nervous, people who are strongly religious make me nervous. I’m just here on my little island, wondering and curious and hopeful and pessimistic.

All things considered, though, I’m doing okay.

Have money and feel altruistic?

March 18, 2009

I fear I have somehow crossed the invisible line between being able to spend money and having to save all our money to try to afford having two babies.

I say this, of course, because I want a netbook. My love, my darling. A little shiny creature so lightweight I can pop it in my bag and write on the train, in the park, wherever I am. I also think about the final weeks and months of pregnancy, when I will more than likely be lying down most of the time, and I know a very lightweight netbook would offer me the chance to keep posting here, as well as working on my ‘other’ writing.

I’ve been so sick for the last four months that survival has felt my top priority. Now I am feeling more me again, and the definition of survival widens to include art, thinking, feeling, expression of self. I’ve handwritten a little ditty and long for the portability of being able to carry my writing and an apple side-by-side.

I wish I had a wealthy benefactor.  But sometimes I do find when I make my wishes concrete and external, they happen. Of course I believe that action is needed to encourage change and growth, and writing this entry might be my very first step into getting that netbook!

There is also the very real fact that our home computer is completely full, meaning that I am left wondering where I will upload the baby belly pictures I took a couple of days ago. (And this is also the reason there are no baby scan pictures in this diary!) I know I get hooked on the idea of gizmos and gadgets being able to Sort Things Out, and I am feeling velcro-ed to my need for this one, final, perfect, shining thing.

Something that is mine, however small, to touch and play and create with. Life is full of trying to aquire free maternity and baby goods (had a baby recently and want to give me your stuff? I will not turn you down!), but I don’t want to forget all of the other things that make life full and worthwhile.

I’m reading Truth and Beauty: A Friendship (better than the title makes it sound, I swear) now. Green thrust it into my hands and said that she thought of me the entire time she was reading it. It makes me want to run away and go to a writers’ colony. But never do I want to leave behind my love, TMD, or our two little babies-in-waiting. It occurs to me that a netbook could be my version of a writing retreat.

(the end)


December 29, 2008

Dare I say it, I’m feeling pretty good. I haven’t gagged or thrown up in at least two days. Hurrah! May be over my initial snarling that I would never EVER get pregnant again – watch this space. I’ve moved on to other symptoms, but to be honest with you, ANYTHING compared to being sick every 20 minutes for 8 hours straight feels pretty damn good.

Just starting to get impatient for the scan. Though…..the closer the scan gets, the closer my reschduled driving test gets. Yes, I finally pulled my finger out and rebooked it for a Saturday later in January. Seeing as I haven’t driven since October/November when we started the whole IVF thing, it should be pretty awesome. I think I am less likely to be a speed demon (part of the reason I failed last time) this time around considering that I’m not used to driving, and that I have a passenger or two in my stomach.

Cross your fingers.

Also booked my first doctor’s appointment for this Friday. I’m hoping they’re nice, as the doctor I had in town was so good you could be forgiven for thinking we had private health insurance. In a country where everything’s free (including poop on e.r. chairs – no lie, it happened when we took Aussie to the hospital once), one thing sometimes in doubt is quality.

What else, what else.

I’m working from home today, so will actually be at the computer. This means updates, though if they are as thrilling and action packed as this one, I don’t know if you (or I) will be able to handle the adreneline rush.

Oh! Final Twilight-related analysis:

Twilight was okay. At least I wanted to keep reading it until the conclusion. I gulped it up, just don’t think it was anything special. The middle two books were so terrible I would almost have preferred to go temporarily blind rather than have to read them. The final one, though, was actually good. I really liked it. There’s my astute personal opinion.

Homage is a funny word. (aka QVC makes even nail guns look appealing.)

November 30, 2008

At the risk of alienating people, what the fuck is the big deal about Twilight? It was entertaining in the way any competant book for teenagers is entertaining. I didn’t think it was the most amazing book I’d ever read, which is certainly what I was veering towards due to the rave reviews of everyone I know.

I think the power of literature shines when it appeals to a large audience. I can certainly say that I have friends from all over who thought this book was absolutely cracktastic, and I think that’s cool. Me? Not so much.

I did like the whole crazy vampire chase thing at the end. But there were some poor plotting/character points. Also, predictable much?

All that aside, I am still planning on reading the others. Started New Moon last night and so far have no real compulsion to pick it up. I do think Twilight could have contributed to my, shall we say, ‘antsy-ness’ last night. And for that alone, I thank it.

This morning I’m in pain. Last night was a shit sleep, as the only position there is any comfort in is when I am angled on my side. I am now wearing the two sizes too big sweatpants I bought for the egg collection, and they fit like a glove. I really think we’ll be told after the scan tomorrow that the egg collection is this Wednesday.

I hope so. Because next Wednesday at work is a like a big group field trip. We’ve won this very elite national award, and we all get to be hoity toity. I just think it’ll be fun fun fun. Plus, it means my first day back in the office is A Fun Day, as opposed to having to juggle things around and miss two weekly groups in a row.


All these mothauckas, ucking up my shi.

srsly nt.

November 29, 2008

Scratch that last post – unless you know if we can have hot lesbian sex. I think I’ve gone off the idea.

Why, you ask? Well, I just stood up to go tell TMD that I hadn’t googled my way into an answer, and the pain in my ovaries was like, ‘Ha ha, bitches! You thought you wanted to have sex! Well, how do you like the pain? Do you like it? Do you…DO YOU?’

No, I don’t.


Oh. I’m reading Twilight. It’s good, in a Mills and Boon for teenagers kind of way. I like it. But am I so impressed I want to name my first born child Edward or Bella? Not yet.