Posts Tagged ‘amaze’

October is my favourite month, autumn my favourite time of year.

October 1, 2009

I sent Kleinette (my ex-therapist) a birth announcement. She immediately sent a card and gift special delivery – two pairs of gorgeous, knitted, fleecy slippers for the babies this winter. The card was lovely, announcing that she whooped and danced around the kitchen table when she found out we had twins. Kleinette heard a lot about my desire for children, and I thought it fitting she knew that the world was now richer by two gorgeous individuals.

The things I repeatedly said I wanted to achieve in therapy are happening. One major complaint was about Day Job; jesus, Kleinette must’ve wanted to shoot herself every time I mentioned it. Now I am well out of Day Job and in love with Operation Fingerpaint (though probably planning on not returning when my year’s maternity leave is up). I wanted to work as a therapist for a small, warm hearted charity with a close knit staff team – you couldn’t more perfectly describe O.P.

I wanted to move out of the city. In a pathetic way, the walk along the tiny lane to the street leading to her house was rejuvinating if only because it was 20 seconds away from the endless traffic. I loved (still do) that city; living in one of the world’s largest and most diverse cities is an experience. But, fuck, give me some trees. I know it is a marvellously attempting-to-be-green city, a city of old architecture, a city with weird little alleys and roads with nothing but used bookstores. Delightful. But not for me, not for living in. And now? We bought this wonderful home outside of the city. We’re surrounded by green. Our ‘city centre’ fits in the palm of my hand, and that’s just about perfect.

I wanted children. TMD and I were constantly engaged in a debate about when ‘the right time’ would be. Apparently, that’s now. From being filled with envy and sadness every time I saw a pregnant woman’s belly, I now have two luscious babies I can dance with, kiss, and sniff to see if they have pooped.

I wanted to get published, in a bigger way than I’ve been published before. This is (always) the final thing, the final goal. If I can do all these other things – AMAZING myself – then why not this?

It was nice to hear from Kleinette again. She is like a constant cheerleader who you know wishes you well, whether you ever speak to her again or not. What a gift. I hope I have given that to some of the children, young people, and adults I have worked with. I can see most of them very clearly in my mind. On this sunniest of sunny mornings, I send them all a little piece of goodwill.

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AMAZE.

September 30, 2009

The word ‘amaze’ has been rolling around in my head for a good few days now. It’s what I want to do, it’s what I want to be. Amazing, amazed.

If you look at the word long enough, it starts to make your eyes go squiffy. Your brain starts wondering just what it means. And perhaps this is how it works, looking at it with a long, slow, sideways glance. A little lazy, even. Just keeping your mind and emotions open to the wonderous, the mundane, and something that which is both. Allowing yourself to take it all in.

That’s not enough for me, though. Perhaps it should be, but it just isn’t. Anything beautiful and inspiring gives me an odd feeling: aside from the predictable feelings anyone might have, it causes a little nibble of ache in my heart. I could be doing that, why aren’t I doing that, I am so capable of that. Ordinary life sometimes disappoints me.

A friend asked if I was signed up for NaNoWriMo this year. It made me laugh, initially. Nano doesn’t happen till November. It is still September. There are people all over the world writing plot lines, getting their coffee pots ready, geeking out in the most adorable way possible. And me? I’m like, shit, that’s November. Besides, shouldn’t writing be every day?

I don’t know who I am to judge, though, as it has been a long time since I’ve written a novel. Too long. I am now imagining that Nano might be a nice opportunity to teach me how to maintain steady writing (other than this blog and twitter!) with two newborns in the picture. I haven’t written any fiction since my pregnancy took a turn for the painful, and since the babies have been here it hasn’t quite been the last thing on my mind, but it’s been the last thing on my list of priorities.

I want to amaze myself more than anything else. I don’t know why I am not suitably amazed that I have seven week old twins and am doing just fine. I guess I AM amazed by that, but also worry that it could all go to shit in about 20 seconds. And sometimes it does, but mostly I am just tired tired tired. Wanting more me time than is allowable, head often threatened with a sleepy, slow nightmare headache, warm bodies snuggled against me. Today I have one baby in his cot, one baby in a bouncer at my feet (why aren’t you awake? It is time to eat!), one brain suspended somewhere between the two. One body glued to the couch, heavy and exhausted.

Amaze, amaze, amaze. What can I do to amaze myself today? This is a question I don’t want to be afraid to ask.