The theoretical becomes possible.


So, the Supreme Court overturned the Defence of (heterosexual) Marriage Act. I think this means we could all theoretically move to Country A, at least as soon as marriage equality passes in law here. Then our civil partnership could be ‘upgraded’ to a marriage. And then, as far as I understand, the federal government of Country A would have to legally recognise our marriage and we would have a legal leg to stand on if we wished to immigrate.

If I have that wrong, someone please enlighten me.

I read a few minute ago about a binational couple – one was in the midst of being deported when the SCOTUS ruling came out, and the judge immediately stopped the proceeding because, lo and behold, this couple was legally married in a right on state, and therefore entitled to federal benefits…including immigration. Big stuff.

Of course, the rest of the dominos need to fall, the rest of that country needs marriage equality otherwise it is all a colossal head fuck, but still.

This brings real questions about our life up. I have dual citizenship, as do the children. So we could move elsewhere without any legal hassle if we wanted to move back.

But moving to Country A would require such a lifestyle overhaul. I’d probably have to be the one to work while TMD stayed home. We would have to move to a gay friendly state, namely worrying about insurance. Over here, everyone has ‘free’ healthcare. I could break my leg tomorrow and not have to worry about how today for x rays or painkillers. As far as I understand, some states (and most companies) do not allow benefits for same sex partners. Does the ruling stop this? What is the reality of insurance in that country? I’ve never been a real adult there, so I don’t know.

Home education would be protected in the areas we would ever consider moving to. So that isn’t an issue.


Let’s be real, I know what field I would be ready to step back into….though I’d prefer TMD to do it….but it is an incompatible job for married people with a family. Totally time consuming and all encompassing.

I like our lifestyle here. I think moving across the planet is a huge undertaking, even when you are moving back to a country you have lived before. People move on, things change, and when you have lived abroad since your early twenties, well, there’s a lot to learn.

I’d love to live near my family, but I love living here.

I don’t think my mother understands the SCOTUS ruling or the implications. It’s always been easy to try to fob off the guilt trips, considering my relationship had no legal status in Country A. I have a bit more buffer time until the marriage equality law changes here, but the process has already started and it is only a matter of time. Once we are legally married, and Country A is forced to recognise that marriage, well… longer am I an exile. No longer do I HAVE to choose between my wife/family and my birth country.

But you know what, this is my country, too. My home.

No matter where we live, one of us will be far from family. I don’t doubt we would figure things out, probably be very happy in either place. But man, what a lot to think about.

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5 Responses to “The theoretical becomes possible.”

  1. Winnie Says:

    The healthcare scene here is SO messy. And it may even get overturned with the next election. If a serious right wing candidate gets elected and the government shifts to the right, all the progress we’ve made this year could get overturned. When the big healthcare law was passedx it was done in an all lefty government with compromises and self imposed exclusions. I don’t know what the future of healthcare will be if the law gets overturned by the next president, but I think it will change things if a righty president is elected. And that’s just healthcare. Who knows what will happen to DOMA. I think the country will eventually recognize gay marriage nationally, and defeating DOMA was a great step in that direction, but it doesn’t solve everything. In my state, same sex marriage isn’t recognized, so idk how not having DOMA will affect couples here.

  2. talesofanunplannedpregnancy Says:

    I can never imagine you moving back, as much as I selfishly want it. Country B is your home now. This country is just a distant memory, some place that is nice to come visit.

    This is such a young country, full of passionate people in both directions. We have such a long way to go, it seems.

  3. idcraftthat Says:

    I saw this and thought of you!

  4. outtajo Says:

    DOMA falling means that the Federal government can (and will) now recognize all marriages legal at the state level. So if a binational gay couple is legally married in Massachusetts, say, the US-citizen spouse can now sponsor the non-US citizen spouse for immigration purposes.

    I have friends in exactly this situation. One is a US citizen, the other is Irish. DOMA falling means that they no longer have to pack up, sell their home, quit their jobs, and move to Ireland this summer in order to stay together. They’ll be starting the immigration process ASAP so that they can stay here together, legally, and not have to uproot their entire lives.

    Speaking to health care, if you lived and were married in a state that recognizes same-sex marriage, like Massachusetts, you should be covered like any opposite-sex couple. That is, you and TMD can sponsor each other on your work-provided health insurance. DOMA’s fall now means that Federal employees living in equality states can also bring their same-sex spouses onto their employer-provided Federal benefits (health insurance, life insurance, etc.).

    Not all of DOMA fell last week, though. States still don’t have to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states (like all states do for same-sex marriages). So if you get married in Massachusetts and move to Texas, you’re still f-ed because no one in Texas will legally recognize your union and you could lose those benefits you just gained (like being able to put your wife on your employer-sponsored health insurance).

    So same-sex marriage is still far from legal across the U.S., but this is a big step in the right direction. “Traditionally,” marriage has always been legislated at the state level, so it looks like the SCOTUS is going to let that work itself out a bit longer. Hopefully we’ll get a big ruling (equivalent to Loving v. Virginia) at some point in the very near future and all this piecemeal discrimination will be history once and for all.

  5. outtajo Says:

    EDIT: Not all of DOMA fell last week, though. States still don’t have to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states (like all states do for **opposite-sex** marriages).

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