(Shitcentric) Milestones.

by

They all talk about the milestones your babies and children have. Where’s the recognition of the parental milestones?

Like the first time you slide a suppository into your child’s tiny little butt? Surely I deserve a gold star or two?

OR SEVENTEEN?

I think bonus points should be awarded for seeing it pushed back out by Crazy Ass Poop That Will Not Be Stopped, and sitting on the unclean poop covered floor you swiped with a wipe….while holding your kid’s feet up high to help their butt Do The Deed, all while making eye contact with the shit covered suppository on the floor.

And then your wife comes home and takes in your too calm appearance. You plan to run away and spend quality time with Buffy and Giles, but then your child says, ‘Oh, there is poop on my hands and my fleece and everywhere.’ So your wife turns to the bathroom, and your child follows, and then you notice there is shit STUCK ALL OVER THE BACK OF THEIR LEGS.

Cue your screaming, your wife picking the child up and running for the bathroom, and the child’s head being slammed into the doorframe. So you don’t know whether to look at the new giant welt or at the poop that is, as your child accurately points out, everywhere.

I’m almost afraid to hit publish because this entry was supposed to end after the insertion of the suppository. And then the shit came. And kept coming. And will probably keep coming.

SEVENTY FOUR GOLD STARS.

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3 Responses to “(Shitcentric) Milestones.”

  1. mummysallygg Says:

    Stars for shit! Absolutely! I earned mine the day I had to pull out the poo that got stuck on it’s way out of Bunny’s bum. I remember thinking, no-one mentioned this part of parenting. The worst bit is, I’m sure there’s worse to come as they get older and pick up more diseases! Joy! Thanks for making me smile though- nothing like a bit of schadenfreude on a Monday evening!

  2. Liv Says:

    Holy shit, among many other kinds. This suppository was intended to get things moving, or was a casualty of some greater illness?
    Funny how when you have a kid, poo all over the floor becomes something you can regard with a certain detachment.
    I would suggest chocolate stars, because who doesn’t need chocolate? But on this occasion it seems kind of… wrong.

  3. Mel Bowman Says:

    I second the chocolate stars, perhaps with a bit of baileys hidden inside?

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