14 st 5. 41 pounds lost! And musings on disappearing disability.

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Two pounds lost this week, though if I’m honest this has been the hardest week so far to control my eating. I’m falling back into my chocolate-salt-chocolate love affair, albeit with much smaller portions. But it is a bad slope, a hard to control slope, and one better avoided. I am sure it’s not a coincidence that I got my first headache yesterday since this new determination of weight loss (now many weeks have I been doing this? Someone please tell me. Maybe four?).

Tomorrow we go away on holiday. This will be tricky. When I was in weight watchers before I remember the leader saying we had three choices on holiday: still lose weight, relax a little and aim to maintain weight, or go fucking crazy because you are on holiday and just lose the weight when you get home. He said all three were valid choices. I think I will aim for number two.

I am still strongly in the mindset of getting this weight off. Interestingly, my knees have started to hurt. Bowen therapy is doing such amazing wonders for my pelvis (this new lady I have is like a miracle worker) that I think my body is starting to allow me to feel other pain that the hardcore pelvis pain has drowned out. I remember how good it felt to be at a good weight. I remember the total absence of hip and knee pain. I remember how good it was to walk into any shop and be able to find something cute, in my size, in minutes.

And, damnit, I remember wearing overalls/dungarees. Over here no one wears them, except perhaps butch lesbians?, but I wore them. And I miss them! Not sure I could wear them in public again, but oh…..I want to return to dungaree living.

I remember it all and I want that again. The freedom of movement, the comfort of clothes, the lack of pain. I was emailing, uh, Lady, and said to her that I still can’t believe I’m not in that wheelchair. In my mind, I remember the total emotional pain and complete inability to walk. It lingers. Yet I’m still surprised to see a picture of me in a wheelchair almost a year after they were born. In fact, the last time I used a wheelchair was only this past March.

I still have physical pain, still have days where walking is tough and scary, but I also get glimpses of my old life. My life pre disability: the particular way I used to cross my legs, ankle to knee, when I sat. Wearing a crossbody bag. I do these little things again, mostly without noticing or thinking about it. And it makes me wonder about a third life, a post disability life. Is that possible? Can it be possible?

I’ll always have the arthritis from the SPD. I’ll always need to return to Bowen therapy to help maintain my careful, still very new, balance. I’ll always be getting older, one day at a time, with bad genes that tend toward knee replacements and lower back pain.

But. But.

But.

On the pendulum of pain, life, joy….is it possible to swing ever closer to the side of my old physical capabilities, away from the extremes of not walking and wheelchairs? For the first time in years, a small part of me really believes the answer is yes.

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4 Responses to “14 st 5. 41 pounds lost! And musings on disappearing disability.”

  1. Lyssie Says:

    Well done on losing this week, I’m rooting for you. Btw, I love my dungarees and I’m definitely not a butch lesbian, I probably fall into the looking a bit like a children’s tv presenter in them though.

  2. mamacrow Says:

    oooo fingers crossed! *rattles pompoms*

    oh & dungerees over here? pregnant women. Not me, but that seems to be who they’re for!

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