Coming to terms.

by

Ever since we brought Snort and Coconut home, I knew I wanted another baby. As our children get older and more independent, I think even more about how nice it would be to have another child or two, and what great siblings Snort and Coconut would make. They are protectors of younger children when we are out and about. Protectors, entertainers, so gentle and warm. I feel like we have cheated them out of the chance to have more siblings.

I keep thinking about adoption. Another lesbian blogger in Country B who plans to home educate decided to adopt a second child, but had to put her first in nursery because apparently you aren’t considered for adoption if you home educate. I need to follow this up. I have also thought about international adoption, but of course it is a minefield because only one of us would adopt – probably not me because I am unemployed – and then the other would have to do a second parent adoption here at home.

Of course, we are STILL waiting for TMD to adopt Snort and Coconut.

I am squeezing the joy out of every day. TMD is totally happy with two children. I am, too, except I would also be totally happy with more. I don’t think it is going to happen. So I appreciate the ones we have every day. Their growing up, the nighttime bike rides which are becoming a ritual, their wild and funny imaginations. We are lucky.

But every time they cradle a doll or talk about babies in tummies, I get a pang.

We are lucky. Lucky to have such caring, empathy filled cheeky monsters I adore. I pour my love on TMD, them, myself. I quietly think of the potential lives we lost this ivf cycle, and the last too, because I have living proof times two that those little embryos can become great things.

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3 Responses to “Coming to terms.”

  1. mendylady Says:

    Pregnancy loss is never easy, nor should it be.

  2. Mel Bowman Says:

    I know the feeling. My son asks for a sibling at least once a day, and he’s trying to understand (at 4) why mommy had two other babies who died. Every time he mentions it, I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut. I always wanted at least two, but I’ve only been granted one. I am so thankful to have him, but every time he asks for a sibling…

  3. Winnie Says:

    I know this has been hard for you and TMD to handle, and I’m so grateful you have each other and your two wee ones to give your love to. Lots of love coming over the interwebs from me to you.

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