IVF tomfoolery.

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Thank you, thank you. All the generous people who have given us money have not only helped financially, but emotionally. It has boosted me to see your names and know we have people supporting us. Now, I guess you want to know why we suddenly owe the clinic an additional four grand.

I’m still upset and not wanting to get myself more upset, so the brief version is that through a combination of my age (34), BMI (30), and the clinic’s poor monitoring that failed to catch that I needed a higher dose of drugs earlier, we have been told that eggsharing is no longer a given.

I was told I had three options.

One, abandon the cycle. Owe no more money.

Two, pay the four grand and proceed as if eggsharing. If they get enough eggs to share (we need a total of eight), then we give half to the recipient and are refunded the four grand.

Three, pay the four grand and proceed with full IVF, no eggsharing. The nurse told me this was the final price, then the doctor mentioned I’d have to pay for drugs, but she backed off when I said what the nurse said. So, yeah. Hopefully just four grand with this option, well, six in total.

Yikes.

None of these are terrific. Obviously option one is out. Options two and three are virtually the same thing, since I think it is very unlikely they will get enough eggs. I only had eight at 14mm or higher (though a further eight that were smaller, thanks to my pal the drug kerfuffle), and they like to see ten at the final scan. There is likely to be eggs in any woman’s follicles 80-90 percent of the time, so having the ten larger follicles gives them good odds with eggsharing.

I also only had one dose, today, of stimming hormones. I worry because normally there are two doses before the end of this phase….since apparently everyone fucking takes the meds at night, but we were told to take them whenever so chose morning. So I hope those eight will be large enough.

What decision have we come to? At this point, regardless of what a total shit I feel like for doing so, we are proceeding with full IVF. I will have the caveat that if a larger number of eggs than expected are harvested, we will go back to eggsharing. I can’t imagine what this poor woman is going through. She will have had a phone call yesterday explaining that things were not looking fantastic.

But even with eight eggs, knowing I am unlikely to be accepted as an egg sharer in future (unless I get back to my normal weight BMI. I am thirty pounds heavier this time than last.), and knowing we can’t afford another IVF cycle, we have to give ourselves the best chance. So more eggs equals better chance.

Because the other main deliberation has returned to the one embryo transfer versus two embryo transfer. Last time twins felt like a blessing, this time they feel like a risk. I think you all know I’d love another set of twins…would LOVE it…but TMD has very serious and sensible hesitations. She would prefer a single embryo transfer. More eggs mean a better chance to have a really good quality embryo.

Four years ago, only two of our embryos grew to what was considered ‘perfect.’. Snort and Coconut. That was four years ago when I responded well to meds. There is no way to predict the quality of my eggs this time since those hormones were not tested.

This decision is still up in the air. I would still prefer two babies to no baby, which is what we said last time. Only last time we actively hoped for twins, and that isn’t really the case this time. We have clarified that the day of the transfer (probably next Thursday if all goes well, please let it go well, let one fucking thing about this cycle go well!) we will find out beforehand about the quality of embryos. If none are fantastic we may transfer two. If one is fantastic, well, I don’t know. It’s a minor bone of contention between us, but I think ultimately TMD needs to have a large say in this. It’s her body that will doing this. Her lining is apparently ‘triple pattern.’ We are not sure what that means, but apparently it is really, really good.

So I don’t know. Any gentle or thoughtful feedback is welcomed.

Moving on, I take the trigger shot at eleven tonight. We have egg retrieval at eleven on Monday morning, despite my crazy hormonal challenging the doctor as to her decision. Overall I am nowhere as pleased with this clinic as our last. I think we would be looking at a very different outcome were we there. I don’t doubt my age and weight have impacted things, but I also am angry (bitter?) that I had no stimming scan until a week into the process. I’m also not pleased with the way the doctor spoke to me yesterday. But there is nothing to be done about any of these things except move forward.

With your help.

Thank you.

Every little 1.00 is more than part of our bus fare or blood tests. It is just a buoy in hard times. This cycle has been gruelling. I look forward to having the egg collection over and done with, even though I’m so scared we will have only a handful of eggs. I know it only takes one, but I’m a girl who likes to have good odds.

If you want a baby and are putting it off, if you are mid thirties, shit. Get your hormones checked, and think about me. My hormones still say I’m very fertile, and look how this all turned out. Consider single parenthood if you must. Because I have to say that even with the world’s two most loved children, it still hurts immeasurably to think that this is our last chance. When did we get old without earning any money? Ha.

The one good thing is that the trigger shot this time around is just a dial up pen. It’s what it sounds like. A thick pen with a needle on one end and medicine inside, sort of like an epipen. Last time we had to do science experiments with various vials, liquids, mixing meds, etc. It was hard. This one, though I admit I haven’t looked at the pen yet, promises to be yet another tiny subcutaneous injection in my bruised yet gorgeous belly. I hope it doesn’t sting, and I hope it doesn’t give me the tremendously awful stomach pains I had last time around, but either way, this is it.

All going well, my wife will have a baby or two in her body next week, and I hope that/those kid/s cling to her triple pattern. Do you hear that eggs? Cling.

Love to you all, and love to me, because right now I’m trying so hard not to beat myself up and blame myself for ruining everything.

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8 Responses to “IVF tomfoolery.”

  1. mendylady Says:

    I wish, wish, WISH I could donate.

    Instead I am sending all the love and babydust I can muster.

    Remind me next week and I’ll sticky vibes.

    Love you all!

  2. Liv Says:

    Sorry they didn’t scan you in time, and that the doctor chose the wrong words, or the wrong way to say them – we encountered a bit of that along our way too.

    Money aside, if one can ever really put it aside that is, it sounds like you definitely still have a great chance at this. I know no two people, and no two cycles are ever the same – but on a low dose of hormones (they helpfully said ‘oh, if it doesn’t work this time, we’ll up it on the next cycle’ at my last scan…) I had only 8 eggs, 6 fertilised, 4 divided, 3 of them went beyond 4 cells. None were ‘grade 1’, one went to 6 cells, one to 7 and one to 8. I had the 7 and the 8 cell embryos transferred, and my 2.5yr old son is asleep on the sofa next to me. So I guess that’s my long way of saying it can work, even when it doesn’t go perfectly and there aren’t as many eggs / perfect embryos as you set out hoping for. I have everything crossed it will work for you two too.

    I started reading your blog when we were in the ‘waiting’ stage for IVF (actually ICSI) after a random googling led me to it. I have read it ever since and your pregnancy and subsequent mothering experiences being that little bit further along than mine have been insightful, at times funny and tremendously interesting. I sincerely hope to be reading about your expanding family very very soon.

    I’m crap at commenting on blogs, I often want to, but feel tongue tied and terrified of my written words sounding nothing like the sentiment I intend, but I hope for the best possible outcome from this very tough cycle for you both.

    • me Says:

      This is so lovely. I read it aloud to TMD and it made her cry.

      I think words are powerful, and yours were to us tonight. Thank you. You’ve helped remind me that this is not the most terrible IVF cycle ever, just not a good cycle for sharing eggs. You also sparked a more intense conversation about how many embryos to transfer.

      X

  3. mamacrowm Says:

    huge (((Hugs))) to you all and everything crossed…
    am struggling for more to say but have been straining to keep up mentally with it all, it’s baffling to be honest. And makes realise just how lucky I’ve been, not needing to even consider IVF xx

    • me Says:

      Yes, your family is a gorgeous one. The more the merrier!

      I think this cycle has been scary because it now feels like I *need* IVF, not like we are choosing it. Either way, I hope it works because then all this stress and worry will melt into the background….to make way for the worry of early pregnancy! Ha.

  4. Ellie Says:

    I’m so sorry you all are going through this. It’s so hard. But it seems to me that the biggest regrets in life come from *not* trying to make our dreams come true … You are doing your very best with a really challenging situation.

    And I agree with you: if you want a baby, go for it. Don’t wait. Life is so short and fertility is shockingly fragile.

    • me Says:

      You are so very right.

      I found this tiny book of quotes in a shop, with almost your exact words in it about regretting the opportunities we don’t go for. It made me smile and remember we are not alone in this.

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