Feelings, fear, hope, fat.


TMD has her scan to make sure her lining is thick enough for a baby to implant in about….oh, an hour. If you are awake and reading this, send her good vibes! Our IVF journey this time around has not felt as simple as last time, so we are happy to accept vibes.

I’m feeling a bit rough since upping the dosage of my drugs yesterday. Had a very maudlin few hours thinking about my grandmother. And my ovaries. Ow. Jesus. Hurts to sneeze, bend over, and in fact is pretty sore just when I sit still. I know this is GOOD. A sign that perhaps I don’t have to be QUITE as worried about my scan tomorrow.

I just wish they’d give me a few extra days to help things along. Last cycle my dosage never changed, but I did need extra time. This time I think they are trying to bypass the extra time with the extra medication.

Either way, I perhaps don’t have as many follicles. My lining is also 11 mm, and last time it was 13. I know my lining doesn’t matter anyway, and 11 is still enough for me to get theoretically pregnant (think you just need 8), but it does feel like I am not responding as well to treatment. Damn that nurse for her casual one liners.

I don’t know if I really am responding differently. I guess we find out when they collect the eggs. And if I am, is it the weight? I’m about thirty pounds heavier than last time. Or is it my age? Shouldn’t be as my hormones are still stellar, so I tend to think maybe the weight is making a difference.

None of this is useful thinking, so I don’t dwell. Last time I was obsessive and crazy, and when it was done I thought that if I ever did IVF again, I would relax and let the medicine do its thing. So slightly disconcerting to be sitting here wondering if I have been TOO relaxed. I think I have not lost the weight because I have been depressed that it was not going to be me getting pregnant. Sigh.

At any rate, my SPD really does seem to have made a profound shift. And I always thought if I was SPD free for a year…..crazy to be thinking about baby four when we are still in the process of making baby three. But I’m scared, you guys.

I just hope this works.


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