Flashback: shitting myself in a Burger King bathroom.


not for those prone to gagging.
2004-01-03 – 9:22 p.m.

I’m totally not proud, in any way, of what happened today in the Burger King bathroom. Why I need to write about it, therefore, defies all logic.

Here’s the dealio: I have not been able to have a satisfying poop in ages.

Burger King is my laxative. Immediately after finishing lunch, I ran to the bathroom. I chose the stall (one of two) which I knew had a functioning lock. There were a few drops of pee on the seat, and I had no time to think.

I decided to have my emergency bowel clean-out while squatting. It went alright; I could even watch and see how things were progressing.

At one point, however, a spectacular burst of air shot a large quantity of slightly soft poop everywhere, including the toilet seat.

I realized that perhaps I should be sitting down, but I didn’t want to sit on fecal matter, so I pulled my jeans and underwear up to my knees and pulled my sweatshirt down, making sure not to get poop on it. I ran sideways, ass to the front of the stalls, to the next stall.

The seat was HORRIFIC. It looked like someone had:

1) Unwound an entire roll of toilet paper around and around the seat

2) Promptly peed all over all the unrolled paper, hence making it a yellow soup

3) Taken a fork and scratched at it, creating a monstrous papier mache piss sculpture.

(I don’t know who I am to judge since I pooped all over a seat, but then that’s what I do: judge.)

I swore, ran back to the other bathroom, and decided I had to keep squeezing the poop in while I cleaned the pee off the seat.

You have to understand that the pee on the seat which made me squat in the first place was only about 3 drops, yet while having my poop-coming-out-as-fast-as-diarhea-thon, I managed to also urinate all over the seat.

I took some toilet paper and starting swiping at the pee; the paper was some sort of mutant paper which did not absorb pee. It only spread it around. I threw the damp paper into the toilet and got a BIG handful of paper. While smearing the pee around, mixing my urine with the three drops that had originally been there, I started heaving.

I promptly vomited a tidy ball of onion rings and veggie burger into the toilet. I somehow didn’t vomit on the seat, which I eventually cleaned off. I lined it with toilet paper (yes, an effective barrier method to prevent disease transmision, I’m sure), sat down, and prepared to enter the 7th circle of Heaven.

Nothing came out. Nothing. Eventually I felt something worming out, and it was coming really slow, so I did that thing where you close your eyes and suck it back into your body.

I think as I was desperately wiping my ass again and again, I lost my sanity, as I started shaking and laughing. I couldn’t stop laughing.

Could. Not. Stop.

When the whole fiasco was done, I ran my hands for two seconds under cold water (again, a very healthy way to wash toilet germs from your hands, particularly after you’ve touched someone else’s piss), opened the door to the eating area, and started choking on laughter.

I walked very quickly to TMD, sat down, and started whispering…saying, ‘If you love me, TMD, swear to me you WILL NOT go into that bathroom.’

I started to whisper the story to her, but then a nice looking professional woman started heading towards the bathroom. TMD gave me The Look, and we rushed into our winter clothing and ran out of Burger King before the nice looking lady could come over to our table and demand to know what in the HELL I had done in the bathroom to leave it looking like it did.

I finished telling TMD the poop/vomit story while at the bus stop.

Then, on an unrelated note, I danced exhuberantly to ‘Jump…jump..for my love’ (80s song I can’t remember the real name to) while in the grocery store.

TMD was more embarassed of me dancing with bags of carrots and broccoli than knowing I lost control of my bowels, along with all other bodily functions, in a public bathroom.

I love that gal.

Jess says: I have one question & one question only. Do you, Existere, remember the Burger King poo experience like it was just yesterday? Um, I certainly do. To a point. I DEFINATELY remember your reaction to reading it in my blog!!

This post brought to you by my compelling desire to write, and complete inability to do so. Generous people have given me funny, thoughful, and factual suggestions for posts. Click here to see them, or add your own. I’ll work through them all in time.


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2 Responses to “Flashback: shitting myself in a Burger King bathroom.”

  1. tiareads Says:

    This is how I knew we would be become good friends.

    I love you for a million different reasons, but this…is just the icing on the cake.

  2. Jess Says:

    I second everything Tia says. Seriously.

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