I’m going to CUT you. Serious.

by

Catching you up: I forced TMD to tell her dad this is our space, and we especially need time to settle. So no unexpected elongating of visits. No staying all day on Tuesdays. He was gracious and agreed.

He just arrived for this week. First words out of his mouth?

‘I fully take on board what you said last week, but my partner is working in this town on Wednesday, so we really need to stay over on Tuesday night.’

I am breathing slow to try to contain my rage.

I’m throwing all his motherfucking shit away this week. I promise you that.

Fuck fuck. Bastard. Arrogant. No shame.

After you had a talking to the week before, would you immediately fucking presume to lengthen your stay the next time you came? No, of course you wouldn’t. Because you are considerate and realise there are other people than you that matter.

Fuck. There are some slight hitches in the flat sale. TMD has suggested we move back there. Fuck.

It’s nice being so close to her mum. And there is so much for a home educating family in this area. Our friend Gnome lives very near.  I don’t want to move.

I tell you, I am thinking really cruel and horrible things. I am trying not to beat myself up for just how bad these thoughts are, because I’m human and I have every right to be angry.

And on the personal growth side of things, I took a step in the direction of standing up to him.

‘It would be nice to have advance notice.’ Ah, so much more polite than what I wanted to say.

It’s all so awkward because this IS his house. We have taken over bills and expenses, but we have not bought the place from him. And I think he’s trying very hard to remind us who is king of the castle.

You guys, I need support. I’m going to crack in a million pieces (like a smashed garden gnome, perhaps?) and only hope some of the shrapnel goes in his direction.

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11 Responses to “I’m going to CUT you. Serious.”

  1. Gnome Says:

    Don’t move back! That is my unbiased, unselfish advice. It sounds like a really, really tough situation. I know your circumstances are different and more complex, but from experience I can say that moving house is really hard. The upheaval and huge adjustment leave you wanting to turn round and flee back to where you came from. Everything – or nearly everything – in the new place seems horrible and alien. But what you’re living through now is the hardest time. Even allowing for the problems with FIL, I believe you will look back in this in a few months’ time and be in a very different place (metaphorically speaking!). Settling in takes time – quite a long time – but you will get there, even if you can’t believe it now.

    Would it help to draw up a contract, stating what is expected on both sides? Your side is to pay the bills etc, have him stay on a Mon. His side is to respect it as your home and give prior warning of any extra visits, and so on.

    Big hug xxx

    • me Says:

      I have no problem with moving. We have moved a lot in the past ten years and I think it is exciting! The problem is that this time it feels like we have not moved to OUR home. We have moved into someone else’s. It would be fine except this other person is completely used to ruling everywhere. I knew this before we moved. I was foolish to think he could change.

    • me Says:

      I also like this house and the area. My only genuine problem is her dad.

      • Gnome Says:

        I realised that that was what you meant. I just meant that even when you have your own place, moving can be hard and throw up problems that seem intractable. In our case it was a collective hating of new job/schools. My parents had previously loved moving but this time the hurdles felt too great. But yes, your home should be your refuge and if you have problems there then it’s a different struggle entirely. I hope you can find a way through this soon. Thinking of you all x

  2. jenmum Says:

    Really feel for you guys. What a complete let down and disappointment. Doesn’t sound like he’s going to change his ways though. Are there no other options to stay local but move into your own space? Good luck with deciding your next move.

  3. pajamamommas Says:

    Oh, this sounds so hard. You have every right to be not just angry, but furious. This is supposed to be YOUR space, and every time you guys put your foot (feet?) down and try to set some reasonable boundaries he just ignores them. When he waltzes in with his “oh, just this week we need to stay later” is there any possibility of someone (preferably TMD) saying back “I’m sorry, that’s not going to work for us.” It sounds like it would be very hard to do (especially given how well he tunes out things he doesn’t like to hear), but if the alternative is trying to move back again it might be worth it.

  4. jinxyisms Says:

    I totally understand where you are coming from. We moved in with my Mother and Father in law two years ago because my MIL has cancer and we wanted to be close and able to help. Even though we all get along really well, I hate not having my own home.
    You have every right to have your rage. It is so hard to move and get organized and get life going with just your little family and now you have to deal with your FIL and all of that can just be overwhelming.
    I hope it works out for the best and quickly for you all. 🙂

  5. Winnie Says:

    You have every right to be angry! After all, it was agreed before you came to live there that he would stay ONE night a week and that was it. And it’s unreasonable for him to leave all his junk in the house for you to go through, especially when you have two little ones at home. It’s hard enough with your pain and occasional inability to move, but then you have two little ones who shouldn’t get into the headless gnomes and pen piles about the house. It’s hard because it’s not technically your house and that can cause tension in the relationship. But is it even feasible to move back to your own house? I thought TMD’s job was closer to your FIL’s house and that’s why you guys moved…

  6. JD Says:

    Maybe you don’t own the house, but it is currenty your family’s home. You have every right to let him know the answer is “no” this time, especially without what you would consider adequate notice. And if it’s not OK with him for you to decide when and if you have guests in your own home, you should let him know you love him, and thanks for the offer of being his guests, but that you will need to move on to a home of your own.

    You need to be able to control your family space. Your mother taught me that. And from an objective outsider, he is not being respectful or even considerate of this, so you shouldn’t need to walk on eggshells for him. Call his ass out — in the nicest way possible — but let him know what the stakes are for you.

    Good luck with this and I hope you find resolution soon!

  7. JD Says:

    Also, I don’t know him, but it may be that he has the self-awareness to acknowledge his feeling a lack of control in the situation (of you living in what he still considers his home), in which you could suggest a resolution: a legally binding rental agreement. Signing something in black and white terms might just be the ritual he needs in order to let go.

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