Archive for December, 2011

Sketti ball 2011!

December 24, 2011

Snort calls spaghetti ‘sketti.’ He loves balls of all kinds. He also loves Elmo. How are these things related?

We have an Elmo DVD entitled ‘Kids Favourite Songs 2.’ It’s a bunch of kids and muppets singing a bunch of random songs; the common thread in the video is, though, a ‘sketti ball.’ Snuffleupagus begins the DVD by singing ‘On Top of Spaghetti’ (aCHOO, Snort says at the appropriate time). His giant ass sketti ball rolls off the table, and onto the floor. In fact, it rolls right out the door.

So, this sketti ball features in a few songs and sketches, rolling around and creating mayhem as sheep, bears, and Snuffy try to catch its wily meatball ass.

The finale – a truly dramatic moment – is when the giant sketti ball picks up speed and rolls RIGHT AT ELMO!! Holy shit!! Move, ELMO!! For the love of god, get out of the way of the skeetttttiiiii baaalllllll!!!!!

The kids like it. Snuffy steps in at the last moment and stomps on the ball, rendering it mushy.

Now, sketti ball. Snort randomly invented it. It began with a stuffed yellow dog from TMD’s childhood and two footballs. He makes me hold the yellow dog so I can make it scream and run away from the sketti balls (football!) that he pushes after it. Okay. He does proclaim that it has turned to mush if it gets too close to the dog, so I guess I have that fact to comfort me when I get freaked out by games involving repeated violence.

The game now also involves a one-eyed alien (eye monster) that goes, ‘Eee, Eee,’ instead of screaming. I have to hold the dog in one hand (AHHHHH!!!) and the eye monster in the other (eeeeeeee). Mayhem ensues.

Coconut invariably joins in, but she doesn’t do any pansy mush stuff. No, while Snort kisses the dog and lovingly invites it to eat the mush, Coconut screams like a fucking warrior and pushes the sketti ball over the dog with no mercy. He’s lying on his back saying, ‘Ahh! You’re smushing me!’ and she’s laughing like a manic.

This very specific routine happens a few times a day. Now it goes on with me making my arms into a hoop because Coconut asks for basketball (and Snort communicates quite clearly his sadness at having no high hoop in their room), and going ‘do do, do do do’ – I think it’s the Mission Impossible theme. After they throw heavy footballs at my chest for awhile, Snort then leaps and throws his body, head first, through the ‘hoop.’ Coconut does the same. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

So. That’s where our routine is at now. It’s like a perfectly scripted play in which no one ever forgets their lines. The sketti ball/basketball game is so choreographed we could perform it every night to different audiences and the only way people would know it was a live show would be beacuse we were wearing different clothes.

I wonder how it will evolve. I hope it doesn’t involve another stuffed animal because contrary to popular belief, I only have two hands. Though my right arm is certainly getting longer from Snort yanking it as he asks me to come to his room for some sketti ball. If I try to put him off in any way he just begins to sob.

What can I say? We like PG rated violence. It’s exciting.


Campfire cooking.

December 23, 2011


In a previous life, I was a ‘camping professional.’ I lived in the woods all year round – alone in the winter. Yes, I scared myself shitless with my overactive imagination, but that’s a different story.

*This* story is about the fact that while I hate kitchen cooking, I can make just about any meal over a campfire. This morning I combined a traditional campfire dessert with the oven….and this is a fantastically easy and fun recipe for toddlers.

Get a banana, take off the bit of skin facing the ceiling when its lying down, cut a slit in the flesh, shove chocolate chips or buttons in, slam into the oven. See? Easy.

*insert public safety announcement* This is also tasty with mini marshmallows, but I don’t classify them as a safe food for young children due to the huge choking risk – the impossibility of getting them out of a throat while they expand from contact with saliva? No. A family friend sadly lost their child in this way, and on a recent baby/child specific first aid course, marshmallows were mentioned as the number one unsafe sweet. *end public safety announcement*

We weren’t patient enough to let the chocolate fully melt (despite the camp inspired entertainment of learning how to balance spoons on noses), but this morning snack was still a huge hit. Yum.

As my friend Plex the robot says, ‘Try it, you’ll like it.’

When’s the last time you spot peed yourself? Or recognized your true awesomeness?

December 22, 2011

So I park the car and get out, ready for an awesome afternoon celebrating the sun coming back (it’s solstice, y’all) but then I start sneezing.

I’m all, I can’t stop sneezing! I can’t stop!

And that quickly turns into, I can’t stop peeing! I can’t!

My lady bits were only chilly for a few minutes, I’m happy to report.  Also happy the carpark had a glamorous (for real) bathroom so I could finish the job withOUT trousers on. Of course, both of my children are terrified of public restrooms because of the scary hand driers.

I made them come in anyway, cause I was still sneezing, my eyes were running, and I didn’t have spare trousers. Sorry kids.

Wow. Times two.

December 17, 2011

I totally lost my shit yesterday. Completely. Utterly. Were I not posting on my phone, I’d fill you in on the gruesome details. For now, I’ll leave you with the picture of me staring out the window waiting for TMD to return while sobbing uncontrollably.

Today is better. Why? Two words: chocolate bribes.

We are not into bribes, reward charts, etc. Never done it. So it never occurred to me until a miracle worker (or two) suggested it. Thank you.

Sweet god, thank you.

They’ve each had two doses today, followed by a bit of chocolate, and life is sweeter. Pun intended.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that I’ve got their best adult friend (actual childcare professional!) here from 9 – 2. We may have no money, but I have no regret over this 30. Worth it. Every penny.

I like her, the kids like her, she’s someone I trust totally with them, and she’s a breath of fresh air after a week of stale sick house air.

Chocolate and nannies who are also your friend. Win win situation.


December 17, 2011

Dear Snort,

I’m writing this Thursday late afternoon, it is publishing Saturday morning, you may be reading it ten or twenty years from now. But I hope on Saturday morning your ear hurts less. This morning when I put the thermometer in your ear (you’re been SO HOT this week, little one) you screamed and pulled back and it was pretty much awful. The doctor barely peeked into your ear before telling us you had a serious ear infection.

I’m sorry about that. I know I couldn’t stop it from happening, and I know in order to make it stop hurting I have to give you The Devil Medicine. When you run and hide from it, when you flop around like an angry seal to avoid the syringe, when I accidentally scratched you with my fingernail while I was trying flip you onto your back – well, it was all awful.

Sorry, kiddo.

If you feel better Saturday we’re seeing your grown up friend, and she’s going to come with us to soft play because she’s only 19 or 20 and can run around and climb into small spaces. I will take pictures. Right now I don’t know if you – or Coconut – will feel up to the fun.

Don’t worry.

We will do it again sometime.

I love you.


PS You LOVE the Crystal Maze. You’ve been so miserably sad and tired this late afternoon, and the only thing that stopped you crying was that sweet, sweet game show. Though of course the anxiety of whether or not the people would find the crystal in various games made you whimper. Oh, my.

Open wide.

December 16, 2011


This. This is what is breaking me.

Not the first weeks with twin newborns. Not the many hospital admissions last year. Not the isolation.

Not even the spd.

No, amoxcicillan (probably spelled wrong but that’s better for avoiding antibiotic druggies on Google) is breaking me.

First Snort was proscribed it yesterday. And giving it to him was hell. Or at least I thought so, before Coconut was proscribed it today and I learned what true hell is. Even better, Snort watched Coconut carefully and has taken tips on providing maximum resistance to ingesting medication.

I can’t describe it. I don’t want to. But doing it SIX times a day – just *thinking* about it – makes me very, very close to crying.

Sure, Coconut is very sick and now also needs inhalers. Sure, I had to break out the Sharpies (I now also carry one in my bag. Comes in handy several times a week) and label all sorts of shit – that banana favoured medicine from the devil himself, inhalers, spacers. At this rate I will need a nappy suitcase, not a nappy bag.

Sure, the doctor thinks Coconut might be getting the chicken pox. Sure, that means Snort will be close behind and our housebound paeds unit will carry on for a few more weeks. Sure, I’ll have to carry on with charting the million medications, temps, etc (charts, also the twin parent’s friend).

I don’t care about that shit.

I care about the amoxcicillan. I care about my sanity. I’d go have a quiet cry in the other room if Coconut would agree to get off my lap.

I miss and need my online friends.


December 16, 2011

Dear Coconut,

I had such a fun time with you that Monday a week or two ago. Snort was asleep and I was hungry, so I made a jacket potato with cheese and beans. You wanted some.

I put it on the little table, you sat in your little chair, I sat on the ground. We had two big potatos and two forks and we just ate and talked and had a good time. It was nice.

I love you.


PS Rememeber when we were eating breakfast on holiday and you casually said, ‘I love you’ over a bowl of Cheerios? That was pretty much The Awesome.

This minute.

December 15, 2011

The cat just threw up on the windowsill.
Snort has a severe ear infection and I have to
wrasstle him like an allygaytor
three times a day
with banana flavoured meds.

Coconut is only happy on my lap
or in a sling on my back
or in my arms.
You get the picture.

I think the cat threw up in the kitchen,
No one will want dinner because
everyone is sick.
Today is day three of our

Snort screamed ALL night long
I literally had 30 minutes sleep
TMD is working late tonight.

Thank god for The Crystal Maze.
It makes Snort happy.
Thank god for the mini horse drawn
It makes Coconut happy –
except when it makes her SCREAM
when the damn reins
disconnect AGAIN from that fucking
plastic horse.




I am also lying under a blanket.

December 13, 2011


Sorry for lack of updates. Don’t take it personally. I literally have not even checked my email in three weeks. Yikes. That’s a lot of freecycle build up, people.

Anyway. Just to say these two cute, coughing kids are keeping me busy. I am swimming and sleeping a lot. The injections are wearing off, so that’s also no fun.

But the real news is that my main man Snort will no doubt be shortly going to the hospital. The miracle brown inhalers have betrayed me and the kid can’t breathe very well.

Fuck you, brown inhalers.

On the bright side, I may get to take two two year olds to the emergency room/a&e by myself.