Archive for October, 2011

Welcome to the freakshow.

October 30, 2011

It’s really, really early in the morning. No one else is awake. (5:46 and I’ve already been up for an hour. At least the clocks changed so it isn’t as bad as it seems).

I was woken by a nightmare about Domino’s pizza.

I found huge ratnest clumps of human hair in my pizza.

When I woke up, I continued the dream in my awake, lazy thinking way. I ended up in an imaginary conversation with the shop manager. And just talking about my kids accidentally eating someone else’s hair? Made me dry heave.

So here I am, on the internet, in a concentrated effort to force my mind to other subjects so I don’t throw up on my clean sheets.


Ugh ugh ugh.

October 29, 2011

Driving back from Aussie’s. She leaves for Australia Thursday, and it will be years before we next see her. I can’t seem to stop crying.

I don’t really know why people say I am an oversharer.

October 27, 2011

So, you guys, I keep wanting to share this one thing. It’s a thing I discovered while in the shower, and instantly needed to share with the whole wide world – but I only remember I want to share it when I’m IN the shower, which is usually about thirteen hours before I sit down to blog. You see the problem.

Sometime last week (?) I discovered my first white hair. Yes, she was not grey, she was white. At least I think she was – I didn’t have my glasses. Though obviously I yelled for TMD and had her confirm that I had a non-normal coloured hair in my hand.

My hair is now quite long – about an inch lower than my bra on my back (and my bra is properly positioned, not way up high on my back in an inappropriate and unsupportive place). And, um, my hair seems to accumulate in my ass while I shower. I can’t be the only one this happens to?

When I get to the point of washing my tootsie, and my tootsie’s crack, there is head hair in there. And of course I need to pull it out. So – this is where my long, white hair was. In my ass crack. Of course it was a hair that voluntarily jumped ship – I wonder if it unattached to my scalp because it was a loner, or more feeble and aged or something.

So. Wave your hands in the air if you have white hair. And shimmy shake till your shower breaks if you have head hair that falls out and gets caught between your butt cheeks.

So do you want to socialise, or BE socialized? One sounds much more active (and fun!) than the other.

October 27, 2011

While rereading my last post on how Home Ed children naturally make friends with children both older and younger than themselves, I suddenly wondered why that seemed like such a big deal. After all, Snort and Coconut’s default settings are to be interested in other people of all ages. Sure, they love ‘big kids’ and want to emulate them, running around and climbing trees. But both also love babies. They think nothing of approaching a child of any age and trying to interact with them. They also love interacting with adults.

I suspect this is the default setting of many children – whether they are outgoing and act on their impulses, or a bit more reserved but watch other kids with interest.

When does this change? Why, in school.

School is the place where it is terribly uncool to hang out with someone even a year younger than you – while the older kids you look up to either look down at you or ignore you. (I realise I’m generalizing, but fairly accurately, I think.)

I don’t mean to knock school entirely. I know many of you have children in day care, nursery, school, etc. It is the right choice for some families. I think it’s one of those things that people need to consider in a lot of aspects and choose what is right for them – as are so many parenting decisions. Well, all parenting decisions. (I suspect this is why Mommy Wars and criticism of other people’s parenting styles are so rampant – because if someone is doing something differently than you, you could read that as reflecting on your choices.)

For us, thinking about our priorities in what we want for our children, school is not right at this point. I’m very happy to have Snort and Coconut with us for a few more years at the very least. I almost wrote ‘at home’ with us, but what I’m quickly realising is that home education rarely means being trapped at home! We have a very active home education community near us – we are lucky that way – and also lucky that in this country, many (most?) people who home educate do so out of philosophical reasons rather than religious. So we will have the opportunity to mix with a diverse range of people who actively accept difference, creativity, and living life out of the mainstream.

I could go on and on about the specific priorities we have for this one childhood our children get – and will perhaps do that in a future post – but for now I will say that one of the fringe (and still awesome!) benefits is that our kids will have friends of all ages.

Venturing out into the world of home education….outside of the home!

October 26, 2011

Yesterday morning we went to our first Home Ed group. I was excited to see what the other families were like, in particular the children. And I’ll let you in on a secret: if you’ve done any reading into Home Education, all the stuff that sort of looks like crazy propoganda –

Children of all ages play together.

The older children are inclusive of younger ones.

Children are very sociable and able to converse easily with adults and children both younger and older than themselves.

IT IS ALL TRUE. Within two minutes one of the older girls was showing Coconut that she had brought a rabbit, too. When Snort wanted to play with this mini grappling hook a much older boy had made (and said boy was 60 feet up a tree), he said, ‘Sure, he can play, as long as he doesn’t strangle himself. Someone watch him!’

The same kid later made MY kids a mini grappling hook, but he made it all toddler friendly with lots of different coloured yarns and very well secured with tape. ‘Would Coconut like this? I made it for her because she was playing with mine and I thought she might like one of her own.’ I was effing blown away.

Of course I like kids in general, very much, but these kids seemed extra delightful.

We were the only toddlers there. The next youngest child was probably about seven, and she and I became fast friends. And while we were there? Coconut stopped being glued to me for the first time in about two months. She ran around, she climbed fences, she laughed and played with another rabbit. Snort pretended straws were keys and tried to open all doors, he ran around like crazy exploring trees and mud and puddles.

Seeing a bunch of kids blowing paint through straws, climbing trees, and working collaboratively to build a pirate ship  – rather than being stuck behind a desk in school – was pretty much awesome. It made me feel really excited about what the future years of home education have in store for us.


After you ride off into the sunset.

October 25, 2011

When I lost (and kept off) 60 pounds in my life before babies, I remember the weirdest part of starting a new job was that these people had never known me as fat.

I was just a thin version of me.

Today I met a bunch of new people, and the weirdest thing was them never having known me in a wheelchair or on crutches.

I was just this walking, driving version of me.

It felt odd.

Where’s Bowser when you need a good time?

October 25, 2011

Lately I find myself compulsively reading and rereading my pregnancy on this blog. Last night I even reread a bunch of IVF stuff – I was sort of impressed with myself. It seemed like a complicated mess of needles and medications from three years down the road. Like I couldn’t believe I ever knew how to mix medications or have needles stuck through my vagina to aspirate my follicles. (Yum!)

My crazy obsessive reading has led to me noticing three tiny sentences in separate entries, all relating to Super Mario Brothers DS. I was delighted to remember that I spent literal hours helping TMD try to beat a ghost house in that game.

I mentioned this to her and she was like, ‘Oh, yeah. I was talking with _____ and we spoke about how bored we were before children. How empty the days were. What did we do with all that time?!?!’

I was like, ‘Uh, we spent hours watching each other play Mario Brothers.’ Like I HADN’T JUST TOLD HER THAT.

So, my life before kids: whipping Bowser’s ass while I was on pregnancy bedrest (self-imposed, as I could not walk). My life now: sadly lacking in Bowser time. Blogging is about as close as it gets.

So watch out, people. I’ve got my firepower plant and I’m not afraid to consume it.

(Sigh. No, it’s just not cool. I need to carve out some time for my little DS. And that’s NINTENDO DS, not ‘dear son’, you freak.)

Ah, the ups and downs of our day….and the playground.

October 24, 2011

You know how you make that salsa and hummous jacket potato because you know your kid(s) will love it and then they don’t try it? Sometimes getting ready to leave the house is just. like. that.

During my copious months of driving lessons, I noticed little brown signs with a butterfly on them every week. Come to find out we live near what can only be described as a wonderous butterfly project/wasteland steppes of Russia. I googled it this morning and was like, ‘Butterflies! We’ll go see butterflies! Oh, how my delightful children will rapture in the flappy wing goodness.’

Except trying to get them dressed was like the worst sort of hellish torture. I managed to get Snort in some sort of pretzel hold (my legs wrapped round him while my hands frantically tried to get his shirt on), and then Coconut thought, Hmm. Snort is immobilized. This would be a GREAT time to dig my fingernails as hard as I can into his upper arms, thereby making him look like a puma has just attacked him. Hey! Don’t get angry at me! It’s his Halloween costume.

Meanwhile I’m thinking, Holy FUCK I need to blog about this. About my rage and frustration and WHY WON’T THEY JUST GET DRESSED we have MOTHERFLIPPING  BUTTERFLIES to go see. And then, somehow people were dressed – though I’m just now remembering I forgot to brush their teeth – and shoes were on and people were strapped into their rear facing car seats.

And we did stuff like this:

And I watched with my heart in my throat as they navigated down a row of tiny stumps to get to a swinging bridge at the bottom of a giant dip. But my head was willing to let them try it seeing as they’d already done this:

This thing is probably about two and half stories high and STEEP. From a distance it looked harmless. But from a slightly smaller distance I saw it as the Jaws of playground slides (at least till they tried the other slide. Jesus.). But my kids were excited, one shouting ‘Slide!’ and the other ‘Whee!!!!’ And I was like, How do I do this? I can’t be at the top AND the bottom at the same time.

So I stood back and let them climb.

I then literally caught them as they flew off the bottom – and no exaggerating here, folks, but they’d land like four feet away from the end of the slide. It was like catching 35 pound rugby balls flying at 20 miles an hour. Yowsa. Eventually I stood back and let them just fly and slam into the sand at the bottom. Sure, we had the odd bumped head – but we had more giggles and little looks of big pride.

We came home and had a big ass feast of a lunch at 2 (as both had allergic reactions to shit in the cafe at the place)…..and then my big plans to go back out? We were all tired from this morning. So we hung out on my bed, watched a little Bride & Prejudice, then zoomed back into the lounge to do all the important stuff we do. Ending with a big ass table dance to number ten on our Black Eyed Peas CD.

So about ten hours ago I wanted to post about how shit it all was. About how hard it was to just get out of the damn house already.

About six hours ago I was outside and not thinking about you, blogworld. (Sorry.) But it was AWESOME. If I can handle this giant assault course of a playground on my own, not to mention the 27 acres of butterfly related stuff, I can probably handle the kids most anywhere on my own. I hope I have not jinxed myself by writing that.


At the end of the day, it was better than the beginning of the day. That’s all.

Watch “God Hates Gay People” on YouTube

October 22, 2011

Yeah, another video. But I liked it.

More choo choo trains, mama.

October 21, 2011


My first act as a car driver yesterday (well, after driving round the corner to playgroup in the morning just ’cause I could. Don’t worry. We are back to foot power next week!) was driving to our local train station.

Snort is very into trains, and Coconut likes them too. We sat on a bench and watched all the big, high speed trains zoom by.

I also coined a new phrase thus morning – ‘adventure hunt.’ By feet, bus, train, or car….going out into the world with no plans, stopping to explore and play when someplace catches our eye. This is a way of life for us, anyway, but everything within walking distance for us has been thoroughly examined, hiked, climbed.

I wonder what we’ll find today.