I don’t know how long this link will be up. Just fair warning.

by

From my written journal this morning:

Today I just need to wait for the editors at _____________ to email saying my chapter has been accepted.

I am afraid of linking to it on Facebook. Even my blog.

What has crystalized for me is that I am afraid if people don’t like my writing, they won’t like ME. They’ll judge, they’ll lose respect, they’ll never look at me the same way again. Instead of encouraging my writing dream, they will silently roll their eyes and keep their mouths shut because I’m not worth it anyway. Not good enough.

Wow.

Two years of therapy and I only see this now.

Wow. 

This is deeper than a fear of rejection, or IS this the fear?

But why should I CARE? I know I am an awesome person.

WHY is fiction writing – and the exposing of it – such a BIG thing?

There is more. And there was even more I thought of but didn’t have a chance to note down before it submerged, once again, into the murky depths of my unconscious.

Two friends on twitter (hi, girlies!) asked for a link to read my chapter. And I like them enough to feel safe enough to have asked: Will you like me anyway?

Will you like me when you discover the genre I think it would be fun to write as a day job is ___________? Will you like me even though ___________ is wrong with my chapter? Will you commit to writing me comments – all please on the actual entry (you need to register with the site to leave comments and rate), unless they are comments about how truly terrible it is, in which case please email me directly?

This is the real me: insecure, longing, hesitant. Also brave enough to say it. I’m afraid. I find my fear isn’t about submitting my work in the first place, it’s about waiting to hear what other people think.

Thus, gulp, fuck, terror: click here to read the chapter I submitted. I refuse to allow myself to write disclaimers for it (but they are demanding and brutal and trying to fight their way through my fingertips onto the screen). I just need to keep breathing and say: fine, if you want to read it, you can. If you would like to comment on it*, I would really appreciate that. Honest feedback, please, though remember I am fragile. If you would like to rate it, go for it.

I can take it.

I think.

*Remember, you need to register on the site to read, comment, and rate my offering to the competition gods. It takes fifteen seconds to do so. Thus far I’m feeling like I have already won, just because I entered. Having the editors give it the okay to go through to the competition is icing on the cake. Maybe your comment will be my cherry? All comments on the actual competition site, please, so I can have them all in one place. Of course, if you want to copy and paste your comment over here, that’s fine.

Or leave a comment here saying that linking to this entry will not result in certain death, trauma, or a hemmorage of disappointment.

(I realise I am totally fucking crazy because YOU PEOPLE see my writing all the time. It’s all you see of me. But this blog feels like the real me, not writing….even just putting the link into this entry has accelerated my heart rate. God only knows if I can click ‘publish.’)

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9 Responses to “I don’t know how long this link will be up. Just fair warning.”

  1. ♥JellyBean♥ Says:

    Hey! I will not allow you to put my friend down. You are an amazing writer & I love you. I enjoy reading everything you write though I fear I do not comment & praise you enough. You are awesome & I don’t want to hear that you think otherwise. ❤ I am so proud of you for submitting your story. You will rock this. Totally.

  2. mendylady Says:

    ❤ ❤ ❤

    "Thus far I’m feeling like I have already won, just because I entered."

    You took the words out of my mouth.

    I'm not a creative writer, and I'm ok with it. I admire people who are, and at this point I don't care what their preferred genre is (tho of course I prefer my friends write things I want to read…). I'm typically more of an sf girl myself, but I certainly don't object to a good bodice ripper now and then. 😉

  3. Jessica Collingwood Says:

    Breathe, existere. Just breathe. I’ve been waiting to read something of your’s for, what, 7 yrs now? How long have I been reading your blogs? Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m very proud of you and I always knew you could do it. 🙂

  4. mamacrow Says:

    I LOVE it! I’ve read some of that genre, and this is looking good so far imho 🙂 just registering to comment over there too 🙂

  5. Breathies and sleepies. « existere (latin): to stand out, to emerge. Says:

    […] make the first cut. Still, it’s making me feel more calm and confident about sharing. Please click here to view my MUST READ post about the contest and see a link to the chapter. Or click here if […]

  6. Jennie Says:

    Just read it, and commented. Really good, you should be proud! I hope you win and get to see it published!

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