Even when I succeed I still freak out.

by

A good few months ago, I entered a writing competition. Well, a sort of pseudo competition. A publisher – the publisher I want to make my day job, actually – put out a call for people to write a little blurb on a little topic. This was on Facebook, that paragon of groups, pages, profiles, games, and time wasting.

So. A bunch of people posted their blurbs, and then I did. And then what happened?? All the motherfucking people clicked LIKE on my blurb. Even the other ones in the competition. Other blurbs had one or two likes, and I was all liked up in the hizzouse. Then the freaking publishers pronounced me their hero of the day, and I won.

My prize was feverish excitement and a choice of free books.

I tell you this not to brag, but to point out how fucking crazy I am. Totally crazy. For those of you not in the loop, I’ve written a few books and am too scared to properly edit and/or submit anywhere. Even though I had a fucking award winning film producer offer to hook me up with a director – I shit you not – to consider making a movie. Me, writing a movie. Yeah, moving on..

When it comes to the terror/procrastination/etc of submitting things I write, it knows no bounds. And it apparently links over into reading materials won during fake writing competitions. Yeah, they duly sent me my prize, and I was excited…..riiiiight up to the point where I got all shaky and had to put the book down.

It’s taken me six months to finally crack the book open and read it, mainly because every time I thought about reading it it made me think about writing a book for this publisher and I FREAKED OUT LIKE A MAMAJAMA. (Mah-muh-jah-muh.)

I have now read The Book, mainly because I had read and reread every other book in our flat in an effort to forget the publisher had mailed me this other book. When I got round to it, it was an enjoyable read. And not so scary.

The publisher has now accepted me into what can only be termed as a Big Time Writing Contest, and my ass refuses to even go read the rules.

So, dear, gentle, Constant Reader, my question: What the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously.

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4 Responses to “Even when I succeed I still freak out.”

  1. mendylady Says:

    Fear of success. Gets me… well, not all the time, but often.

    (And then I do stuff anyway, and succeed, and flip because people like my shiz. I’m awesome.)

    Doooo eeeet!!!! If I could write a pattern in two weeks, and have people love it, you can do this writing thing!

  2. Liv Says:

    And I thought I was paranoid about just writing a comment on your blog before… ;0)

    In my own case I think I probably over think all the possible outcomes of everything I might do, and then decide better not to do it anyway because a)I might fail, thus confirming I am crap, or b)I might succeed and then I’d have to revisit my self image and possibly admit to not being crap after all which would mean maybe I had no excuse for not doing all the other stuff I keep putting off because I’d be no good at it anyway. Or something. Anyway, that probably doesn’t help at all, but was meant to offer a bit of support.

    Obviously haven’t read your books, but from what you say and the evidence of the competition you already entered, it sounds like you could do well in this one too. Hope so!

    We could read the rules for you and summarise if that would be a start? (She said, half in jest, but seriously if it helps.)

  3. Winnie Says:

    You can dooooooo it!!!! You’re a fantastic writer and I’m not surprised that your work was so popular! 🙂

  4. mamacrow Says:

    I’m not suprised at all at you winning because you are an amazing writer.

    I’m not suprised at all about you flipping out because you are lovely person and don’t have an arogant bone in your body.

    However, can you reframe this in your mind so it’s less scary? see it as writing & submitting essays for an english course or writing something for a job? then maybe you can just focus on doing what you need to do rather than thinking all big picture?

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