The past few weeks I’ve been asking myself one question: Am I depressed?

Of course, this leads to further questioning. Does that fact that it’s largely situational change how I feel about it? Why am I unwilling to go to the doctor? Am I wanting to be in bed all the time because twin toddlers are fucking exhausting, or because of some other darker reason?

There’s a lot of stuff going on. My dad’s eyeball, my own pain and getting further info about treatment (wtf is a nerve block? Is this an awful thing that should be avoided? Exactly HOW MUCH cortisone can you inject into a body before natural production drops?), the clutter taking over our very small apartment, the realisation that we’ll probably never have a lot of money, my semi-desire to begin working again, being too tired to write, being trapped in the house most days….it goes on and on.

I am taking steps to try to sort things out. I’m in the midst of driving lessons (ugh, sigh, etc!) and my theory/written test is this coming Thursday. Once I’ve passed that, I can book for my actual driving test. I am continuing Bowen therapy on a vastly reduced scale (because, let me say it again, Bowen works. I cannot recommend it highly enough!). I have bought two Littlelife backpacks WHICH ARE THE BEST THING EVER so we may take more walks sans pushchair. Today we are putting things on freecycle, taking other stuff to charity shops, and dumping even more stuff at the tip. We’ve hired a nanny on Friday mornings for three hours, so I can get some help taking Snort and Coconut out for Fun Times.

I know this is all a stage in my life, this staying at home with two kids who are of an age that even when I CAN drive, I’ll be limited in where I can go alone with them. Hopefully my pain is only a stage too – my physical lows are not getting as low as they used to, though TMD points out that my highs are nowhere near a ‘normal’ person’s highs.

Soon I shall be driving, I hope. Soon they will be that little bit older which means life gets that little bit easier – going out more will help me. Maybe figuring out how to reintegrate my work as a counsellor, here and there – or even having the energy and desire to write in the evenings or naptime. I dream of dumping them at soft play while I sit at a table – like all the other zombie moms – and open my netbook.

I will keep working on being able to declutter, to somehow let things go even when it goes against my very nature. I will keep working on my weight, as I am back to the lowest weight I’ve been since giving birth.

The thing that makes me long for magic little pills is that there are so many other simple little things I can do – a five minute walk when TMD gets home. Fifteen minutes to write or blog. Drinking more water. I just don’t seem to have any motivation to do these things. I want to crawl into bed and watch Grey’s Anatomy or ER until my eyeballs bleed and I am a fully trained trauma surgeon.

I don’t know.

We shall see how things progress, but I think the first step is in realising I’m not as happy as usual. I feel awful even suggesting that being a stay at home mom is tough, is hard, is maybe too much for me right now. Because in another year or so WOW will it be fun! Hard, too, but fun. Less about being a nurse and cowboy/sheep herder on speed, more of being an explorer and fellow learner.

How have YOU guys been, anyway? I want you to know I am still reading everyone’s blogs, but on my phone – which, for some reason, won’t let me comment. The laptop is never on or open during the days anymore, I find I don’t have the time.

If you @ me on twitter (my name is, of course, ‘existere’) or comment here I will be able to see that stuff instantly. Likewise I am on facebook a lot (are you a bloggy friend? Tell me how to find you on there and I’ll more than likely friend you….reassure me you are not an axe murderer, though) and my email about 65 times a day.

If you’ll excuse me, though, I’m wearing my new frilly pink gingham apron. I bought it to help me be in the ‘on’ position during the day. And I am trying to dredge up the magical power to be able to declutter with TMD, so I’d best go.

Love to you all.

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7 Responses to “Honestly?”

  1. Violetsouffle Says:

    I am Sorry you’re sad. I know that I muchly envy where you are in life and the life you have, and your eloquence to share emotions. You are an amazing woman& a gifted writer, so I hope you fond a balance soon that let’s you enjoy those things about yourself. Love to you.

  2. Tia Says:

    I love you & hope you feel better mentally, emotionally & physically soon.

    You mentioned briefly about your dad’s eye. How is that affecting you? I know you don’t have the best relationship with him.

    I’m always an email away if you need to vent! 🙂

  3. ashleyd00dle Says:

    I’m sorry your possibly depressed. It’s not fun being unmotivated. I’m there. I’ve been there for a few years now. Eventually there will be a day when you are not depressed reach for that. It seems you have a great wife and wonderful kids (even if they are immense work sometimes). I look forward to reading your blog and seeing what adventures you’ve all been through lately. Hugs.

  4. mendylady Says:

    Depression sucks. I’m there a lot lately.

    Oh yeah, being a SAHM is HARD WORK. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.


    @ me when you need to vent. ❤

  5. Gnome Says:

    Hope you feel better soon x

  6. misericordia Says:

    Speaking as someone who has been depressed in the past, I just wanted to say that you absolutely will get through this. I remember what it feels like to not remember what it’s like to be happy, and I remember what it feels like to just not have the physical or emotional energy to do anything, let alone the things that ordinarily would help in an instant. Although not everyone decides to take “magic little pills,” and I personally was VERY reluctant to do so at the time of my depression, they were ultimately a good decision for me. The way I think of it now, years later, was that they helped me remember the way “good” and “normal” are supposed to feel. After a little while, I stopped taking them, and that was a good decision too, I really didn’t need them anymore. It reminds me that depression can be temporary, can certainly be circumstantial, is partly physical, and does not have to be dealt with all alone. I apologize for the long-winded nature of this response, but it’s all stuff I wish people had said to me at the time. Please remember that whatever way you find that is best for you to work through all the hard things you’re feeling, you will absolutely come out the other side of it feeling so much better!

  7. Winnie Says:

    If you were closer or I were closer, I would TOTALLY come to see you and help you with the babies and the things that are overrunning your apartment. As it is now, I can’t so I’m sending good, clean, motivated vibes your way and lots of love!

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