Archive for May, 2011
The past few weeks I’ve been asking myself one question: Am I depressed?
Of course, this leads to further questioning. Does that fact that it’s largely situational change how I feel about it? Why am I unwilling to go to the doctor? Am I wanting to be in bed all the time because twin toddlers are fucking exhausting, or because of some other darker reason?
There’s a lot of stuff going on. My dad’s eyeball, my own pain and getting further info about treatment (wtf is a nerve block? Is this an awful thing that should be avoided? Exactly HOW MUCH cortisone can you inject into a body before natural production drops?), the clutter taking over our very small apartment, the realisation that we’ll probably never have a lot of money, my semi-desire to begin working again, being too tired to write, being trapped in the house most days….it goes on and on.
I am taking steps to try to sort things out. I’m in the midst of driving lessons (ugh, sigh, etc!) and my theory/written test is this coming Thursday. Once I’ve passed that, I can book for my actual driving test. I am continuing Bowen therapy on a vastly reduced scale (because, let me say it again, Bowen works. I cannot recommend it highly enough!). I have bought two Littlelife backpacks WHICH ARE THE BEST THING EVER so we may take more walks sans pushchair. Today we are putting things on freecycle, taking other stuff to charity shops, and dumping even more stuff at the tip. We’ve hired a nanny on Friday mornings for three hours, so I can get some help taking Snort and Coconut out for Fun Times.
I know this is all a stage in my life, this staying at home with two kids who are of an age that even when I CAN drive, I’ll be limited in where I can go alone with them. Hopefully my pain is only a stage too – my physical lows are not getting as low as they used to, though TMD points out that my highs are nowhere near a ‘normal’ person’s highs.
Soon I shall be driving, I hope. Soon they will be that little bit older which means life gets that little bit easier – going out more will help me. Maybe figuring out how to reintegrate my work as a counsellor, here and there – or even having the energy and desire to write in the evenings or naptime. I dream of dumping them at soft play while I sit at a table – like all the other zombie moms – and open my netbook.
I will keep working on being able to declutter, to somehow let things go even when it goes against my very nature. I will keep working on my weight, as I am back to the lowest weight I’ve been since giving birth.
The thing that makes me long for magic little pills is that there are so many other simple little things I can do – a five minute walk when TMD gets home. Fifteen minutes to write or blog. Drinking more water. I just don’t seem to have any motivation to do these things. I want to crawl into bed and watch Grey’s Anatomy or ER until my eyeballs bleed and I am a fully trained trauma surgeon.
I don’t know.
We shall see how things progress, but I think the first step is in realising I’m not as happy as usual. I feel awful even suggesting that being a stay at home mom is tough, is hard, is maybe too much for me right now. Because in another year or so WOW will it be fun! Hard, too, but fun. Less about being a nurse and cowboy/sheep herder on speed, more of being an explorer and fellow learner.
How have YOU guys been, anyway? I want you to know I am still reading everyone’s blogs, but on my phone – which, for some reason, won’t let me comment. The laptop is never on or open during the days anymore, I find I don’t have the time.
If you @ me on twitter (my name is, of course, ‘existere’) or comment here I will be able to see that stuff instantly. Likewise I am on facebook a lot (are you a bloggy friend? Tell me how to find you on there and I’ll more than likely friend you….reassure me you are not an axe murderer, though) and my email about 65 times a day.
If you’ll excuse me, though, I’m wearing my new frilly pink gingham apron. I bought it to help me be in the ‘on’ position during the day. And I am trying to dredge up the magical power to be able to declutter with TMD, so I’d best go.
Love to you all.
Snort developed breathing problems last night. Before he showed symptoms of a cold. Apparently his inhaler loving lungs just can’t get enough.
Coconut just went pee on the potty for the first time. Told us she needed to go and did it!
Snort’s vocabulary has doubled this week. After months of not talking much, he’s going for the gold with: mussie, pineapple, up, down, book, boo, mama, mummy, banana.
Did I mention the pee in the potty? Yeah? How about the dried out vomit olives in the carpet? No?
That about sums up the last 24 hours. Pee (on the carpet too due to some dodgy potty behaviour), aggressively treating viral wheeze to avoid hospitalization, vomiting from breathing problems, no sleeping, fevers.
And dancing, talking, cuddling, lots of helpers, new signs, and scoring a pair of secondhand littlelife backpacks.
Not too shabby.
Well, they apparently took more of my father’s eye than anticipated. I don’t know if he can see.
I also don’t think a surgery suddenly makes someone a good person. Our ‘relationship’, in its nicest description, could be said to be composed of endless fears and unrealistic expectations. On both sides.
I think I am too weary to try to try. Again. I fail every time. The only time I feel happy – in regard to this – is when I am not thinking about it. Every contact from him (one passive aggressive card in over a year, in this instance) makes me feel high levels of anxiety that last for days.
In other news, I jumped off a stage today and it had the predictable outcome – immediate, serious relapse. TMD had to come home. Thank god the energetic 19 year old will be here tomorrow morning.
Aussie’s text: Hey, what’s happening with your dad?
My text: Well, I emailed my sister to ask her to not tell him we were coming home this summer. No response yet.
Aussie’s text: No, I mean she posted on Facebook saying your dad was having an operation? Did she mean your dad or step-dad?
My text: An op??
My text: Hang on, Mom’s calling. Will get the scoop.
Mom’s call: Your sister wanted me to call you. Dad called her last night to say he was having an operation this morning. He might have cancer of the eye. He’s known for awhile now but didn’t want to worry her.
The conversation continued. It continues now, even though I speak to no one but myself.
So, how do I stop eating constantly? I’m thinking of cultivating an addiction to green tea.
I’m here, I’m alive, I am. I have been blogging since 1996 and literally have never gone longer than a week without posting. I guess I just blew that record out of the water.
What do you want to hear about? These are the things that have happened or are happening that I suspect I have yet to tell you:
– fighting with a mean old man in my neighborhood
– driving lessons
– the relation between the two
– winning a fake writing contest and getting so freaked out that I cannot bring myself to read the prize, two books, as they come from the publisher I hope to make my day job within the next few years
– the long-awaited appointment with a pelvic pain specialist and how he plans to give me my life back. Also how I hugged him. Also our international relations.
– telling some old guy Snort’s name and the guy being all, ‘So your mummy likes the Bible?’ and the fact that his name was Biblical is SO FAR OFF MY RADAR that I had no clue what he was talking about. I remained silent and looked at my shirt – no, Bollywood – and Snort’s shirt – pretty sure dinosaurs aren’t in the Bible – and just stayed silent some more while feeling hopelessly and adolescently out of the loop.
– trips to accident & emergency (Coco this time!)
– the fact that we are hiring a friend cum nanny cum mother’s helper for Friday mornings and MY GOD are nineteen year olds energetic
– my crazy ex-lesbian mummy stalker ‘friend’. Lots of updates there.
– Snort and Coconut stories in general
I am just so tired, my friends. So tired.
Things are at a point where life with twins is getting slightly easier. I realise I am one of the freaks of nature who loves having twins and hasn’t ever gone through a very bad time of it. But there’s no denying it is more full on than anything I’ve ever experienced.
Now that things are edging towards the ‘manageable’ category, TMD and I are both more exhausted than we’ve ever been before. Like our bodies are taking advantage of the slight relaxation in life to fully experience the extreme exhaustion of the past (almost) two years.
That and I think I’m kinda low. Can’t pinpoint it, really, but the moody blues coupled with The Tired mean that when TMD gets home, I am off to bed. No blogging time. And I am literally never on the computer during the daytime.
Lesbian homesteader hero who wants to home educate, I want to email you. Mamacrow, I want to return your DVD. None of these things have been forgotten, but somehow downgraded by my addiction to mobile ebay and sleeping.