Poop, weight loss goals, marital disharmony. This entry has it ALL, folks.

This past week I have been eating and eating and eating. <— This sentence was written Friday. It still stands now.

This was probably the worst week we, as a family and as individuals, have had. TMD’s job situation is weird, but needless to say she’s still in her ‘old’ management job at the minute and this week heralded them starting a new service. So she’s been slammed.

Snort has been teething – four teeth. Also sick. We’re talking week long fever, the slurpy poops, vomiting, refused to get in bath, refusing to sit in chair, refusing to eat, constantly needing to be held, weeping, lethargic, wan, sleeping at random times like he has narcolepsy, wheezing, breathing retractions, runny nose, coughing. And we all recall it’s only been three weeks since he had a four day stay in hospital. (Yes, he went to the hospital Friday. He’s on antibiotics twice a day now and will actually shove his fingers down his throat to make himself puke them up because he hates the taste so badly.)

Coconut has been sick too. She had the runny nose, coughing, chest congestion, and fever worse than Snort, but bounced back much more quickly. She spent the sicker part of her week screaming ‘NOOOOO’ constantly, jumping up and down in rage, hitting, crying. She is also teething.

To know how I am doing, you need only look at the three points above. I’ve been unable to cook or change nappies or anything without Snort screaming to be held. And then falling asleep, but unable to put him down. He wants to be cradled like a baby all the time….while Coconut is jealously hitting us and screaming NO.

TMD worked late every night.

Tuesday night I did baths (or should I say, one bath and one terrified screamfest of a naked boy banging on the bathroom door trying to escape) and bed, and they were just falling asleep when Snort went all Exorcist and puked and puked and puked and puked. I swear to baby jesus, I kicked them both out of their room and ushered them into the lounge where I sat them in front of the tv at 8 o’clock at night (this is never ever something that would happen), while I locked myself behind their babygate and picked up 207 half digested black olives from Coconut’s bed, used muslins and tissues and my socks to pick up/wipe more vomit. At one point I called TMD screaming about ‘Where are the goddamn sheets for the babies’ beds, goddamnit? Why are you so fucking late? WHERE ARE THE SHEETS??????????’

TMD’s birthday was Thursday.

By the time Thursday rolled around, I was a oozing mass of simmering resentment. TMD and I were not on The Same Page, I was sending mean texts (do you want to date me? Huh? DO YOU?), and TMD was getting all pale from being up all night with Snort and being run into the ground at work.

Friday afternoon I decided Snort needed to go to the hospital. TMD’s boss was PISSED (she’d had to leave an hour early on Thursday – her birthday, remember – because I was having something akin to a nervous breakdown) and asked if I couldn’t just take the babies to hospital on my own in a taxi.

Disabled.

Toddler twins.

Taxi with no car seats.

OH HELL NO. I WILL FIREBOMB YOUR HOUSE IF YOU TALK THIS KIND OF SMACK TO ME.

TMD called me crying as she drove home, we got back on The Same Page, and things are better. Snort’s antibiotics have turned his poop into grainy sludge diarhea, which is AWESOME. Coconut’s teething has ramped up a notch and she’s bitten him about 52 times today. I went depresso sad about having No Appropriately Sized Clothes For The Hot Weather.

Yes. I also had Bowen yesterday which appears to have angered my SPD which is EVEN MORE AWESOME.

It’s been a good week. Yeah. A week so truly tiring and scary and angry and feverish and FULL OF MEDICINES that it makes me want to hit the caps lock key and just keep it real. IN ALL CAPS.

Tomorrow TMD goes back to work and I am left with Snort’s fever meds, antibiotics (though truly think I’ll have to wait for TMD because it’s impossbile to give alone), and wrestling with him to give him inhalers every four hours to prevent the wheezing from getting worse. Not to mention the shits so terrible that he requires washclothes and being dumped in the bath (after a four day bath strike, he did bathe last night!). Not to mention that while this is happening, Coconut is crying her little heart out asking to be held.

Twins are amazing. But also? Twins can be like….well, exactly like what’s been written here. You devote 100% to each kid because both are sick. And they’re still both babies, really. It’s hard, very hard.

To end on a good note:

I have just purchased slightly discounted brand new Crocs for Snort. Of course this brings guilt that Coconut will be walking around in secondhand ugly coloured ones.

I also cut his aging rockstar hair. It looks crazy good. I might have people bring their kids to my house so I can hack at their hair for reduced prices.

Also: a determination. I gained a lot of weight last week. Like 3-5 pounds, depending on how you want to look at it. So as of yesterday I was back to a 32 pound loss. I’ll say it here: I want to be at a 52 pound loss by mid-late June. So twenty pounds needs to go from yesterday’s weight. I realise this is a high weight loss target. I’ve not done the maths, really, but am pretty sure it will require at least a pound lost each week.

I’ve downloaded a Drink Your Water Or Your Phone Will Berate You app, so will be drinking more, eating less….and hopefully moving more. But hopefully that moving will be lightly tripping through my own garden in floaty skirts and funky shirts (all secondhand ebay shit I am bidding on today!)…..not screaming down the phone as a child vomits heavily onto my lap, while another child is hitting me as I cry.

Because that sucks.

Trust me.

Tags: firebombs, weight loss