Venting. It’s not just for heating systems.


Just a quick vent. I need to get it out, but by no means do you need to read it. But I’ve spent today feeling like I’m loosely held together by tape, and the tape is losing its stickiness. Part of it is my period, but most of it’s this job. Kinda like drinking – you might fancy someone, but once you’re drunk? Kiss city.

We have a ‘helper’ come over once a week. She’s from a charity who helps support families – we got her because of my disability and the fact that I have multiples. She’s the reason we started being able to get out of the house. Her manager just popped over unexpectedly – she had me in her diary as an appointment, I did not.

We spent much of the time talking about applying for benefits/welfare.  Now, we have been entitled to benefits for the children since birth – and disability benefits for me could have been applied for, too. We never bothered with either. Now it seems like something definitely worth doing, and we actually got one of the forms, but TMD is having trouble working it out.

After the lady left, I started crying in the kitchen.

I texted TMD to ask her to leave work 30 minutes early – and let’s face it, what does she owe them at this point? While waiting for her reply, I noticed a text from Aussie. A picker upper text. A really nice text.

As is my wont, I burst into tears and felt sad and angry. Nice things often make me more in touch with my sad place than other sorts of things. I value her support. I value your support. Knowing people are thinking of us is nice.

But when – tell me when – I became someone who needed help applying for benefits? When did I become someone who needed benefits?

And what happens if we don’t have enough money for me to continue Bowen Therapy?? For the first time in years I am feeling a bit better, and the thing that is helping me recover is going to be stopped?!

I’m crying now. I feel out of control. If I was still working, we’d still have my income. As it stands, I’m limited in terms of what I can help control. So I am cleaning; I’m making sure dinner is ready for TMD and all the dishes are done so she has the evenings to do job stuff. Job Stuff. Job. Stuff.

And I am largely holding it together.

But today, I’m not.

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7 Responses to “Venting. It’s not just for heating systems.”

  1. Jen Says:

    Oh existere! I totally know that desperate, uncontrolled feeling you are feeling now. I’ve been feeling it for the last few weeks myself. Losing a large chunk of income each month, knowing that I am the only stable person in the world that my kids have to depend on and feeling like I was failing them had me a crazy mess. Not sleeping, crying, scared to death & angry. I can’t get benefits to help… It’s all on me. But I know that even asking for help when you’ve always been the one to try to help others was the most difficult thing I have had to do. On Saturday, I walked into a church food bank to ask for food.

    There isn’t much anyone can do to help me. Its just the way it is. Just knowing that I have people who care about what is happening to me and were willing to do ANYTHING they can do… even if it is just to listen to me when I need to vent so I don’t totally lose control, helps more than anything. Just knowing I am not alone doesn’t solve the problem but it does seem to help keep me together just a bit longer.

    You are not alone. I can’t do anything to help your situation.. financially or physically… but I can be here to listen and try to offer comfort when it just doesn’t seem possible. You have TMD… together you have your babies … You’ll make it work. The love you all share will make it all work out.

  2. Gnome Says:

    Hugs. Thinking of you. For what it’s worth, benefits forms have the power to reduce anyone to tears. They are hideous

  3. saralema Says:

    I could pull out my Positive Patty right now, but you know everything she wants to say. Instead, I just want to give you hug and help ease your burden.

  4. Katie B. Says:

    *hugs* Love you. You are the best mother and wife for your family. Period.

  5. Christy Says:

    HUGS!!! You are the best!

  6. talesofanunplannedpregnancy Says:

    *hugs* I love you. it will all be okay. you & tmd are awesome & will work it all out. ❤

  7. mamacrow Says:

    oh hugs hugs hugs. I have done many horrendous forms, both in private and for work, and have a brother-in-law who works for the coucil in care for the elderly, and a sister-in-law who works for the job centre, both of whom know heaps about forms, so if there’s anything I can do to help, HOLLA, ok? xx

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