Every morning Coconut demands ‘book, book!’ This morning while we were looking at an ABC book – you know the sort, a big letter, a matching picture, the 26 letters marching across the bottom of the big two page spread – Snort was excitedly pointing at the alphabet.

‘With those 26 letters,’ I said, ‘You can tell any story.’

Any story. Why, then, despite full command of a keyboard and many stories to tell, am I so absent here? Easy: I’ve been cleaning.

The week my mother had a stroke was the week we found out TMD was going to lose her job. Since that point we have been in a weird, pressure-filled survival mode. It is no exaggeration to say we couldn’t live on less than what she is making now, and also no exaggeration to say jobs like hers have been cut across the country. Lots of people with the same experience looking for work that does not exist.

This has put me into some sort of overdrive. It reminds me of my final year in university – shit, was I busy. I was taking more than a full load of classes, doing student teaching, working at a before school club, and working every afternoon/evening as a lifeguard at the grottiest YMCA you can imagine. But you know, I was happy. Busy and happy.

It’s no secret that I have subscribed to the FLYlady’s emails for years. (Google her.) I have also despaired of how she preached about decluttering, yet cluttered my inbox with an influx of emails. Well, something has clicked. In these past few weeks, I have been working at getting organized, getting rid of stuff, getting little routines into place, and cleaning. Lots and lots of cleaning.

Every spare minute – every minute that I used to write – I am cleaning. Like a fucking demigod of virtue. I expect statues of gold to begin popping up honouring my visage sometime soon.

Even while I try to make our house less lethally gross for our family, I can’t help but think that what I am REALLY doing is paving the way for us to move into a beautiful new home. By getting rid of stuff, it will be easier to move. By keeping things clean, it will be easier to sell our apartment. By getting into the groove with daily cleaning, I can start as I mean to go on in our new home.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m in denial. TMD has applied for another job in her company, and the interview is tomorrow. If she does not succeed at nabbing this job (but of course she will, she is brilliant), things will go to hell. Her father has already said we can move into his house and he’ll move in with his girlfriend. I’m at the point where I don’t particularly care where we live as long as we have someplace to live….but I like our flat now. I like our little village.

But with no money coming in, how does one pay a mortgage? Or for the expensive dental surgery our cat had last week? Or for the plumber electrician guy who is coming over this afternoon to fix our heating which literally switches on and off every second? Sometimes being a grown up sucks.

But just like that busy time in university, I am happy. I am dancing while doing the dishes, Coconut getting down alongside me while wearing a colander on her head. I am washing the shower walls, I am showing Snort how to wipe clean the table, I am beginning to be able to get rid of things (yes, I develop crazy deep attachments to things for a number of reasons, the end result being that I hate giving stuff away).

Many mornings start with rocking music and a whole family dance party. Yesterday evening after dinner, TMD walked in to us listening to Joni Mitchell and colouring.

In this odd limbo of job-no job, in this land of uncertainty, I am blooming. I am losing weight, I am cleaning, I am feeling in control. Even as I say to TMD that I don’t think I will ever fully recover from SPD and she accuses me of being a pessimist, even as I say I am just being a realist, I am learning to let go, to accept, to move more joyfully and appreciate what I’ve got.

I am happy.

That being said, PLEASE pray/chant/cast/whatever that she does magnificently at her interview tomorrow. And maybe that we find out before the weekend that she has a brand shiny new job!! Thanks.



6 Responses to “Flux.”

  1. joni rae Says:

    I used flylady for YEARS until I finally had the routine stamped on my brain and I could keep my house clean without her reminders. I finally left the group- I have felt for a while that she has switched from trying to help people to trying to sell us stuff. It rubbed me the wrong way.

    I love your little family- and your new outlook! I will be sending positive energy and good vibes your way. 🙂

  2. saralema Says:

    I looked into Flylady, but like you, didn’t like all the emails. Maybe I should give her a second chance. I need to develop some routine/management before next fall.

    Thoughts & prayers sent. Various appendages crossed.

    • existere Says:

      Believe it or not, I now look forward to the emails! They are my crack. I spent two days this week making a control journal and I love it.

  3. PottyMouthMommy Says:

    I created a seperate email account JUST for the Flylady’s emails… and I haven’t read it in oh… about a year… I signed up because I was feeling overwhelmed by my clutter, and was trying to find a system- something step by step that would help me get organized. But then I just spent HOURS trying to sift through emails!! and got even more overwhelmed. 😦

    Anyhow- I will be praying my ass off/dancing to the rain gods/chanting mantras of luck and good fortune for you and TMD for her to land the job! Best of luck to her! I’m sure she’ll rock it out!

  4. mamacrow Says:

    praying/petitioning/thinking HARD for tomorow! crossing everything. well nearly everything. xx

  5. Katie B. Says:

    Positive vibes… not that she needs them 😀

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