Mummy guilt.


For me, being a mother often comes along with a large helping of guilt. Have I spent too much time checking my facebook, to the detriment of my babies? Should we be using our fluoride baby toothpaste? Every time we use the inhaler on Snort, is it fucking him up? Are we neglectful because we haven’t made that first dentist appointment yet?

Everything seems to come along with a heavy weight of responsibility. And our lazy way of living – no doubt it offers some benefits to our kids, but it also means he’s not had a ‘real’ haircut and their toenails aren’t cut as often as they should be.

I try to be easy on myself. I look at how Coconut and Snort are developing – so sunny, easygoing, great senses of humour, curious, loving, smart, etc – and know that I am doing something very, very right.

The one major thing I’ve felt guilty about is my lack of a driver’s license. Yesterday erased that.

I say to you now, with authority:

There is no way one single person can take 16 month old twins out alone. No way, no how. Well, unless they were going to be strapped in a pushchair the entire time.

All the fun of going out is exploring, letting them wander round, etc. They have very different styles – we went to our local garden centre this weekend. Coconut walked round and round and round, never stopping. Snort was trying to climb on shelves, examining flower food, etc. You need two adults.

We play it one adult per baby at the minute, and when we’re out I never see TMD. The babies will inevitably run for opposite ends, and you need to keep such a close eye on them – especially Snort.

So my guilt about not driving? Very much minimized.

We are missing out on attending twins club or other baby/toddler focused activities which I could handle on my own, though. Still, one thing at a time.

Everything comes with a balance, with good and bad. Twins miss out on a lot of experiences singletons would have (like going out on errands regularly, walking everywhere, etc) but have a whole wealth of experiences a non-twin would never have. Each experience offers a lot of positives, a lot of opportunities. I think it’s about seeing those things for what they are.

And, you know, eventually getting over my fear of failure and getting my fucking license already. I have one for Country A – getting a license there is like learning how to pour milk on cereal. To get one in Country B, you need to learn how to thresh grain and make your own cereal, glaze ceramics so you have a bowl, save your money to buy the cow to milk it, etc etc. Also how to do metalworking so you can fashion a spoon. An engraved spoon. Made of sterling silver.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have two teething babies. Coconut’s whole shirt is soaking wet from the drool. She’s only got four teeth to go (not counting the two year molars) – all canines. I think two are trying to come through now. Snort is missing all canines and molars (I think). Teething only gets more and more fun the older they are.


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5 Responses to “Mummy guilt.”

  1. Megs Says:

    Dude, get it. Your license. I too feared failure and put it off for 4 years. Finally, I booked some lessons and… failed the first test. Which sucked hardcore, but as you know driving is WAY harder in Country B and about 60% of people fail first time (compared to like 0% in Country A?). So I took a couple more lessons and passed the second test with only 3 “minors”.

    Since then, it has revolutionized my life here in Country B, and I bet it would yours too. Even if to just allow you to switch it up and run an errand while TMD stays at home, or just take some me time on your own, radio on, coasting down country lanes, exploring, in control. It’s like being 16 again. :o) Downside is the cost… but didnt you take lessons pre-babies? You might be ready after a couple lessons…

    • existere Says:

      Um, thank you for telling me you failed. I felt really bad when you passed (for me, but happy for you!) because I thought it was more proof of how bad I sucked as I failed the first test, too.

      • Megs Says:

        Oh my gosh, I didn’t even realise. Sorry to make you feel like that, I probably didnt say because I was embarrassed! But I completely bombed the first one with like 8 minors and a serious for “not checking one of my side mirrors before moving off after an emergency stop”. I was so nervous, and my examiner was grumpy. I didnt take lessons for a month because I was so gutted about it, but the second test was so much better. I was still nervous but my examiner was more chill and I just forced myself to talk during (I couldn’t handle the silence) and when I made a mistake (like when I stalled out) I explained what was happening and took it all really slow. I know you can do it too when you are ready!

  2. Kate Says:

    You shouldn’t feel guilty…I know easier said than done. I feel guilt as a mummy all the time its something you have to learn to trade. I do all the things that make me feel guilty when my son is in bed, at school or out. Somethings you can’t help but you have to look at what you are giving in exchange. Anytime I am on the computer my son wants to work the mouse and I let him, he enjoys it and its time together. It also improves hand eye co-ordination.
    Your kids are getting the best childhood they can, its relaxed easy going and its tailored around them, too many children have regimented time restricted lives and they are seriously up tight and stressed the whole time, childhood should be something individual and happy go lucky, don’t worry about what you think they might be missing out on, just always make sure you look at how happy your kids are. I promise you they would rather spend time with mummy having one on one than going to toddler groups or play dates.

    And as for driving its really very easy once you have had a few lessons, you don’t have to drive or learn manual gearbox you can just learn automatic like in country A, and the whole learning how to service the car and stuff is much more basic than is made out. I have no doubt you’ll do just fine, you just have to put your mind to it. Xxx

  3. mamacrow Says:

    oh geeze, everyone fails their first test. well ok, not everyone but most people. The average is 3 gos to pass, and many take a lot more!

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