Thoughts on this rainy late morning.

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I seem to be going in spurts – writing 50 posts a day, or writing none for days on end. Sometimes this is because I am empty and have nothing to say (or am too tired to say it), sometimes it’s because I have too much to say.

I was talking to someone about how (fake!) anonymous my blog is, so it cannot be found in search engines by people who know my name. I was asked why it’s set up this way.

Many of you no doubt think of me as That Twin Mama Blog, but this blog was actually set up waaay back in the day to talk about the other love of my life: counselling. My last blog was totally non-anonymous – and possibly more fun because of it – but as soon as I started offering counselling to people I closed up shop. I wanted a safe space to be able to talk about what it was like to train as a therapist…and then later, what it was like to work as one.

How I’ve strayed from those days – though certainly I’ve never been a ‘one subject only’ blog. At least until I got pregnant, I mean.

The truth is, being a mother has become an inescapable part of my destiny and who I am now. It’s hard to think or write about things without automatically seeing how my kids fit in. I think that’s good, but sometimes I am overwhelmed by what that means. Since these two little people have come into my life, my time, dreams, and energy is not just my own. It is always being shared, being sucked, being filled back up.

I guess having such young twins (16 months, if you’re not keeping track) means that it will take longer to establish a new sort of normal. A normal where I am a mother, yet still me.

Snort and Coconut are now sleeping happily in their room – fodder for another entry, maybe – and the other night when I couldn’t sleep I wandered out into the lounge, threw myself on the couch, and laid there with my eyes shut while listening to QVC. That was a trick I used to get to sleep before I had children, and for those few minutes, lying there, I felt like a bit of my ‘old’ world has somehow snuck into my flat and caught me unawares. It was nice.

Life is a bit on hold right now, but also more alive and fun and joyful and awesome than it has ever been before. Two sides to every coin.

I didn’t have kids so I could immediately force them into my adult life. Fact is, I don’t know what my adult life is. I don’t know if we will send them to nursery at age 3. I don’t know, sometimes, if we will send them to school at all. Life is full of a lot of unknowns right now – TMD’s job, future thoughts about moving, what direction my life will head. I’m mostly okay with not knowing and just living in the present. That’s one gift my kids have given me.

But if you’ll excuse me, I need to watch some mind-numbing tv or read a book or just sit on the couch and stare into space now while they sleep. Because the other gift my kids have given me? Bone deep exhaustion. (I say that not as a whine, just as a fact.)

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