Time to stop fucking around, methinks.

by

Sleeping post IS coming, but just needed to get this off my chest:

ARGH.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.

Ready to hear me whine? Because if not, I’ll be honest with you: skip this post and just read the next time I write. I won’t be offended. Honest.

It’s just that things are so bad, my pain is so bad, and I’m starting to feel my emotional health taking a dip. It’s the old fear about this being ‘it,’ that there is no recovery for me.

I had a relapse about four weeks ago, and it hasn’t gotten better. Now I’m in the week before my period and…oh. I may cry.

It’s so bad, guys. So, so bad.

Last night I had to go to the bathroom before bed, and I got fucking stuck sitting up on the edge of the bed. Literally could not move without ripping pain that was making me cry out – even though I was lip biting and trying to keep quiet. Tears were rolling down my cheeks, and I felt the urge to do ‘little kid crying’ – you know, big hiccuping gulping sobs.

I couldn’t walk. Again. Was unable to have any weight on an individual leg, so resorted to crutches and shuffling my feet along the floor. When I got into the bathroom, I couldn’t bend over to pick up the toilet lid. It was literal agony, and I think I can say with a fair degree of confidence that my pain tolerance is pretty fucking high – especially after dealing with chronic pain for the last two years.

I finally got the lid up, but the act of sitting down was like I was being stabbed by rusty knives in my lower back, my hips, my spine. I couldn’t stop crying.

This morning it’s not really any better. I’m back on a full dose of codeine and this other ‘super’ anti-inflammatory. It’s not doing anything. Or maybe it is – though I can’t imagine more pain than I am currently in.

This will go away, right? Last month I was so happy when I got my period, because that usually heralds some relief, but it just stayed.

I had gotten used to my new ability/disability levels. It was my new norm. This latest foray into ever deeper pain is really testing me, because it makes my usual chronic pain look like happy little sprites eating pizza on a rainbow. I feel like I have hit bedrock and begun to tunnel into the bedrock.

I can deal with pain as long as I can carry on with my ‘new normal.’ The problem is, this extreme pain is meaning I can’t do things.

When your child looks up at you and holds out their arms, wanting you to pick them up and hold them – and you cannot do it – oh, that hurts the worst of all.

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8 Responses to “Time to stop fucking around, methinks.”

  1. Secret friend Says:

    Really sorry to hear about your pain. Your description of getting to the loo brought tears to my eyes – identical to how I felt when I had a slipped disk and it was agononising. All I can say is for me it got better and it will for you too I am sure of it. Unfortunately it takes time…a lot of time and patience. Don’t get disheartened though – you are strong and will get through this – you are home and present emotionally for your kids which is a better start than lots of us had. What therapies have you tried – I swear by accupuncture and my physio says it works better than just physio alone. Thinking of you xxx

  2. Yorkshiremum Says:

    Hi, so sorry to read about your pain. Is there a diagnosis? I developed SPD in both pregnancies, where thevpelvis seperated and causes excruciating pain. I’m still suffering mtgs later but it is getting better!
    I hope you get some relief soon x

    • existere Says:

      Yes, I have SPD/PGP. It’s been hanging on so long that I don’t think I can risk another pregnancy!! Brilliant that you did, and glad to hear you’re getting better. I may hunt you down and ask you loads of questions at some point.

  3. Jennie Says:

    OMG, I feel so much for you. IT WILL PASS! I’m making positive vibes for you, and really hope it will work. I just wish I was good at saying what needs to be said – I’m better at hugging, so imagine hugs travelling down the internet-wire-magic thing (don’t quite understand how it works, but love that it does! Makes you feel much less alone, doesn’t it?). xxx

  4. mamacrow Says:

    :((( That just sucks. And blows. I’m so sorry 😦 I keep every eye and ear open now to hear something online or in a magazine or on the radio about SPD – specifically something that might help… HUGS maybe it’s the weather changing? Does that make it worse?

  5. catsandcradles Says:

    *hugs* I wish I could do more. But you’ll get through this too, moment by moment, and eventually it will get better. *more hugs*

  6. globeonmytable Says:

    There is a website about SPD/Pelvic Girdle Pain:

    http://www.pelvicpartnership.org.uk/

    I hope this is of some help.

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