The worst idea I’ve had in weeks.

by

Yesterday I thought it might be nice to take Coconut and Snort for a walk. The two of them, the one of me. Boy, was I a fool. A big, big, big fool.

Hell, I thought. I’ve got hats, mittens, puffy coats, shoes, legwarmers. I’ve got two little harnesses.

(Sidenote: I feel weird using harnesses on the babies, but the actual fact remains that with two baby/toddlers I don’t think I’ll be able to on on walks alone with them WITHOUT harnesses. I’ve yet to meet a twin mum who disagrees. That being said, you’ll soon see what kind of fucking chaos ensued even with the harnesses.)

Because they’ve both been walking so well – though Coconut is very confident and Snort is only just getting there – I assumed a nice quick walk would be fun. I opted to go out the front rather than the back as it is drier and the ground is nicely paved.

Oh. I was going to draw you a picture, but let’s stick with a picture of the mental kind for now. I live in a block of four flats. In front of our flat is a pretty big, slightly sloping up to the road carpark thingy. There is a pavement/sidewalk running alongside the road, with nice snow covered grass between the road and pavement.

They walked like little champions to the front door, I lifted them down to the ground, and all hell broke loose.

Coconut wants to walk, and she wants to walk now. Or run. In ONLY the direction of her choosing.

Meantime you’ve got little Snort walking at a snail’s pace, pausing to look at every. single. thing. on the way. They are, of course, desperate to go in opposite directions. I find myself unsure of how to utilize the harnesses as I discover that hanging on means they will slam to the ground if they keep trying to walk.

Somehow we ended up on the pavement in front of the next block of flats. Somehow.

Snort is on all fours, trying valiantly to get up again amidst the tangle of winter clothes and harness. And gravity. Coconut is gleefully running full tilt for the road, and in fact, juts out into the road just as giant delivery van is cruising toward her.  My vocal cords, not to mention other people’s eardrums, are probably permanently damaged by the loudness of my NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  STOOOOOPPPPPP!!!! I grab the harness and yank her backwards and off her feet, and her life is saved.

Snort, by this time, is walking in tottering steps on the snow, and I try to lift him back onto the dry pavement. He loses his shit. Like collapses weeping and kicking his feet. Coconut is running down away from us, towards the road.

At some point in this melee, I am holding Snort in my arms and have realised it is impossible to lift a second baby up because their damn winter coats are so slippery. Not to mention the fact that Snort has gone limp in an effort to get back to the ground.

I am holding Coconut up by the harness. Like a little fucking marionette. Her feet are literally dangling above the ground, because I am trying to buy some time to figure out what to do. I am scared.

I am sweating and wondering how we will ever walk the 20 feet back to the front door, or if this hellish struggle will last the rest of our lives. It’s a terror-based aerobic workout.

I begin to walk, encouraging Coconut to come along with my manically bright voice. But it’s like she’s forgotten how to walk. She is just dangling forward like a lunatic, pivoting around and around as I hold her up.

We finally make it to our carpark. I put Snort down, Coco suddenly obediently follows, and it’s lovely. For like ten seconds.

The Snort lurches for the delivery van (now parked in front of our house) and tries to peer under it. I know what it going to happen. He’s going to be like one of those cats that gets squished because they hang out underneath cars.

I make a judgment call and lift him, running to the front of the building and plopping him on the ground.  Miracle of miracles, Coconut is curious and follows.

My nightmare scenario of asking the delivery man to carry one of my children – though he has disappeared, or merely screaming for one of my neighbors to get their ass outside and help me, eases away.

They both merrily climb back into the outside hallway, where Snort promptly begins climbing the stairs and Coconut is banging on the door trying to get back outside.

We won’t be trying that shit again anytime soon, let me tell you.

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6 Responses to “The worst idea I’ve had in weeks.”

  1. Katie Says:

    I’ve never dealt with a harnessed kid, but I have a dog who, at 6 months, had never walked on a lead before. I know it’s not the same thing, but the difference between that first week and now is colossal (she used to turn somersaults and fall over and pull and just generally could not figure it out, she’s a champ now). Do you think that maybe if you took them out in the garden to “practice” that they’d sort it out? It sounds funny, but I’d think they’d figure out that walking on their own is different from, for lack of a better word, tandem walk.

    • existere Says:

      Yeah. We have been practicing with the harnesses – but always with TMD with one kid and me with the other. Tandem walking is not something we’ve tried, but I bet you’re right. Time and practice!!

      Will try again once Snort is walking as well as Coco, otherwise I think we may end up walking in a giant circle.

      • Katie Says:

        Bet it makes that string of ducklings that is a unit of campers look like a miracle, huh? I always thought it was funny, no matter how terrible campers could be as a group in all other ways, they’d still walk in a line like nobody’s business. It’s never something you remember having to learn, either.

  2. Sara Says:

    Oh boy, gives me something to look forward to! I’m still dealing with crawling, and keep losing one of my babies because he is fast and silent, and has learned to push the door closed behind him when he goes into another room. The other is just starting to drag himself around on his stomach, and generally wedges himself under the couch, but I’m sure he’ll be zooming around in no time. I am planning on getting harnesses but now see it’s not much help at that age!

  3. mamacrow Says:

    well you’re jolly brave taking them out at this age, in this weather, both by yourself!
    reigns (aka harnesses) are great. They hold the child safely, spreading the preasure and if you do have to lift them with it in an emergancy they are lifted by pretty much the same areas where you would grab them with both hands.
    They’re great because you can lift them in that safe way – WITH ONE HAND!

    The easiest way to use them is to wrap the reigns round your hands a little so that they’re not going to kiss the pavement, and hold a hand as well as the reigns for guidance.

    This age? I wouldn’t take a child out for a walk. Certainly not if I had other children too, never mind the same age or not! Taking them directly to a place in pram or car and getting them out to toddle/walk about is exercise enough (and I don’t have SPD!) xx

    • existere Says:

      I didn’t think about the fact that the reigns were under arm like my hands would be. Thanks for this – made me feel better for using my child as a puppet.

      The lesson I have learned from this is ASK MAMACROW before I attempt crazy shit.

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