Stages of grief.


I’m angry. Angry at myself for crossing the road where there was no crossing, when a marked crossing was so close. Angry at myself for not suing the fucking pants off the guy who ran me over. Angry at my flexible joints which reacted so badly to pregnancy.

If my SPD was no consideration, there would be – no questions asked – a third baby joining our family. I want that baby. I want Snort and Coconut to have a younger sibling. I want that baby to have the experience of a big brother and big sister who love him/her very much.

I want this:


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9 Responses to “Stages of grief.”

  1. Kate Says:

    I just wanted to say I completly understand your anger and sadness, I have been trying to come to terms with my own stupidity that put me in this chair, but being involved in an accident wasn’t your fault. You have no blame to put on yourself, put your anger toward that driver. Put your anger into trying to heal and try to take comfort from the fact its done. There is nothing you can do to change the past, but you can move forward.
    Much love xxxxxxxxxxx

    • existere Says:

      We need a support group. We can have t shirts that say ‘disabled dykes’ or something.

      Thank you, but whenever I think about this accident I blame myself. I KNOW it was an accident, but it still feels like it was my fault. I can’t know what wold have happened if I hadn’t of been run over, but I imagine my pregnancy would have been a lot easier – and no doubt I would be able bodied by now. It’s hard having to readjust your perspective.

      I know I should be thankful that I am out of the wheelchair, and I am, but I wonder every day if I am willing to risk that chair again for another child. I just don’t know.

  2. Dominic Says:

    Sometimes being disabled is about harnessing the anger we feel and moving through it. Yes it sucks, but doesn’t it feel better to be at peace with ourselves than a bubbling vile of rage? Don’t hate your body for the fact some parts didn’t work – be grateful it produced Coconut and Snort.

    I’ve been doing this disability malarky for years now and I know how hard it is not being able to do something – yesterday I struggled changing Nuzzles backside! It sucks and I don’t like not being able to do something – even changing a stinky nappy… but then I relaxed, let the Wench help me out and then got on with enjoying my snuggle with a few girls 🙂 (I’m a player, me!)

    I dunno what the above had to do with your blog post, but I had to share something, fellow cripple x

    • existere Says:

      You make me laugh, which is very welcome when I am in the midst of a pity party. Particular gems include use of the word ‘wench’ and ‘malarky.’

      In all seriousness, though, your first paragraph is spot on.

  3. Sara Says:

    I can relate to wanting another, even though my twins are only 8 months old. Partly I think it’s because I feel somehow cheated of a ‘normal’ pregnancy and childbirth, without all the medical hoohah that the Canadian health care system deems necessary to throw at twin pregnancy. It was very stressful trying to have a normal natural experience in the face of all the medical ‘we know better’ crap I had to go through. Wish you the best for you

    • existere Says:

      Yes. If you do have another, I hope your expectations are able to be met. I hope that for all of us!

      It’s funny. With my first pregnancy, I was more geeked about the pregnancy than the idea of having babies. Of course I WANTED them, but the desire to be pregnant was utterly overwhelming. This time around, I want the baby more than the being pregnant.

      I gloss over things. I know I focus on the positive and sometimes ignore the negative. I do think I’ve like a natural birth. I know I’d like to succeed at breastfeeding. When I think about how I’d do things with the next one, it makes me feel guilty over totally stupid shit – like not babywearing these guys till they were 3 months old. WTF!


    • Natasha Says:

      I can really relate to this…. There are many issues surrounding my twins’ birth that I need to put to rest. One day I’m sure I will be able to.

      The yearning for another baby is very strong, but I have to be realistic and know that a) it wouldn’t be fair on my husband or the children we already have to have another baby right now, b) we don’t have enough rooms in the house, c) In my last pregnancy, my SPD was so bad by 16 weeks that I could barely move. I WON’T be able to be a full time mum to 3 under 3 if that happens again. d) I just don’t have enough hands for another baby yet. I should also add on, e) my sleep deprivation is slowly driving me crazy. I should imagine adding another baby to the mix won’t help that.

      It doesn’t stop the yearning, though. My desire to have a normal healthy pregnancy and a natural birth is very strong. Not so strong though as my desire to have my baby be MINE right away and be able to take them home and feel 100% that they are mine… and I am theirs. I have 3 babies but all of them went to scbu and I can’t explain how hurtful it has been with all 3 of them. I know having another baby won’t right that, but having the natural birth I dreamed of (and felt robbed of last time!) and then taking baby home right away (or even having them at home), curling up on the sofa and nursing and snuggling for hours after birth is something I almost crave! And once I have it, I imagine missing out on it the first three times won’t hurt as much. Maybe it will, but I still want the normality of a natural birth and a healthy baby just once! I want it so badly… Still further more, I DO want another baby to add to the three beautiful, smiling, giggling bundles of joy that we already have. I’m not done having babies. I know that for certain…. I want another baby, possible another two again! I want pregnancy, I want birth, and I want a baby!

      I know I can’t have any of it yet so I hold tightly onto my “one day…” and know that it will come in time. The same as my coming to peace with the twins’ birth will come, one day…

  4. Katie B. Says:

    SPD is the reason I’m not planning a third pregnancy as eagerly (I’m still planning it, but…). It’s why I’m not eagerly looking for surrogacy. I love being pregnant, I love giving birth… but.

    I’m thinking hard about that post you requested on SPD in a second pregnancy. I have some parts composed! (mentally) Writing time/spoons? Not so much. 😦

  5. Mel Says:

    I know what it’s like to want another child so desperately…and yet feel forced to decide not to have one. I’m sorry :(.

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