Celebrate who you are. Right here, right now.

by

When I was in high school, I had a terrific/awful crush on my best friend’s brother, Iceman. He was younger than us by a year. I don’t know what it was – it could have been simple proximity.

I grew up out in the country. I never had a friend live within walking distance of me. My friend and her brother Iceman came into my life at the start of my first or second year of high school. At four miles away from me, down twisting dirt roads, they were my first friends that lived within a reasonable distance since I was about 4.

I practically lived at their house. Their dad had died just before I met them; Iceman was pretty monumentally fucked up from this. He was a very angry young man, outwardly at least. He was also sweet, and funny, and…y’know…I wanted to make out with him. Badly.

One night we did. That’s another story for another day, but eh. It was okay, nothing much better than that. Things moved on, we stayed friends, and those few kisses were filed in my memory under ‘high school – boys – kisses.’

In high school, I was able to find some level of confidence. I think this came in large part from my experiences at summer camp, but regardless. I went from a child with no friends to a teenager with a close circle of very tight friends and a wider circle of awesome acquaintances. I spent most of my high school years dating a boy with lovely, soft curly hair.

And when we broke up? Why, I sort of thought no one would ever want to date me. I was friends with a lot of guys – the geeky ones (always the cutest, I thought, and still do!). And come major dances, I just had a sinking feeling that no one would ask me.

Fast forward.

About two years ago, out of nowhere Iceman looked me up online and got in touch. The format? A late night, and probably very drunken, email. He said he had always had the hots for me, that even now when he masturbates (please, remember he was drunk!!) he thinks of me. That he thinks of me when he sits in front of burning fires. That he thinks of me when he plays cards. That he thinks of me.

Well, let’s blow past the awkwardness of the whole masturbation thing.

The point is: right now, someone probably thinks you are great. It doesn’t matter if you are single or not, someone out there probably is attracted to your mind or personality or body….or maybe all three.

I spent a lot of time thinking no one could ever find me attractive. In a bizarre way, that one inappropriate email from a long lost friend brought something to my attention: at that time when I was so self conscious and thought a boy as popular and hot (!) as he was would never be interested in me. Turns out he was. The whole time.

Whether a boy like him and a girl like me would have been able to date – and be happy – is certainly a debatable point, the fact that all these years of my life I felt like the amazing person everyone liked as a friend and no one liked as anything more were complete bullshit. There’s a reason I was (am) a serial monogamist.  As it turns out, I’ve never been single for very long….and even with that, I never realised that people might want me.

Right now, someone out there – online, in your grocery store, at your kid’s playgroup – someone is looking at you and thinking you are pretty terrific. Do yourself a favour and don’t let your bullshit worries and insecurities trip you up.

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11 Responses to “Celebrate who you are. Right here, right now.”

  1. mamacrow Says:

    LOVE this. brilliant.

  2. Ashley_d00dle Says:

    That was awesome! I’ve had an experience where someone said i was hot but I didn’t know him at all it was awesome. My self confidence went sky high! I’m glad iceman found you.

  3. Violetsouffle Says:

    Oh oh oh! Thank you for this post. I won’t go into details but to say a soul from
    Highschool has been on my heart and I just made attempts to reconnect, I literally didn’t sleep Last night because I’m so nervous about that attempt of mine. Thank you thank you thank you 🙂

  4. Cotterpin Doozer Says:

    Thank you for this. I really needed to read that today.
    Have a great day!

  5. Winnie Says:

    love it! 🙂

  6. Natasha Says:

    Thank you for this. I’d love to believe that it’s true.

  7. saralema Says:

    Oh, how I want to give you a hug right now! Fabulously written and oh so true!

  8. Retrospect « P.S. House Says:

    […] now can I articulate it- but I sensed it before either of them ever spoke of the other. Beautiful existere wrote this post shortly after and it resonated in my head for hours. The thing is, I am always and […]

  9. Jen Says:

    Why did I never know this??? I knew you spent a lot of time there but I don’t ever remember you talking about having a crush on him. But for some reason, I am not surprised… You’re awesome, who wouldn’t think you’re hot?!

  10. Katie B. Says:

    I showed a friend your bikini pic, and she said “omg so hot!!”

    You know your partner appreciates your body (and the rest of you, but I’m in beached whale mode right now) when your toddler wolf whistles appropriately.

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