Just for now.


And there you lie, a little boy with his blankie. On your side, butt pushed out, head so far back that it just about touches your spine. You are mostly unmoving, but now and then you half wake. You move the fabric of your blankie through your fingers, finding some mysterious sweet spot to curl your fingers in before pushing everything into your mouth.

You look so big, and so little.

Your feet are pressed against my hip, but only a few minutes ago one stripey sock was pressed against your sister’s head and she……..

Here you are, a little girl on my lap. Head in the crook of my left arm. Your bunny and blankie are on your lap, almost as if they are curled and warm and napping on you.

Little one, your nose is covered in black smudges from your cold, the curls behind your ear are riotous, your head is tilted and your face, your beautiful face, leans towards me.

You look so big, and so little.

Little boy, I know when you wake up you will smile, smile so widely around the muslin that will still be dangling from your lips. And when she sees you, when your sister sees you, she will lean towards you with her whole being.

Little girl, you will lie next to your brother, you will crawl over your brother, you will stick your fingers in his mouth and you will both laugh.

You are my babies. You are your own people.

I love you, I love you even as you sleep, even as two little (big, growing) mouths exhale in odd rhythms, sometimes matching, sometimes not. As he stirs and a foot is propped on my shoulder. As she opens her eyes, points at me, and falls back asleep.

One day you will be too big to sleep on this couch together. I am glad that day is not today. Just for this minute, as I feel his odd angles, marvel at his movements…just for now, while the weight of her on my lap reminds me of a time when you were both on my lap, held in my stretched and itching belly.

You look so little, you look so big.

My heart is so little, but my love is so big.


4 Responses to “Just for now.”

  1. Kate Says:

    Beautiful, really beautiful. Xxx

  2. violetsoufffle Says:

    just so lovely. you have so much beautiful love that it’s spinning from your fingertips and into a smile on my face from listening to you loving your babies.

  3. Natasha Says:

    Beautiful x

  4. TMD Says:

    OK. I just read the bittersweet one then this one and I’m crying my eyes out. You are sleeping with some weird thunderstorm on your phone so I cannot even get a hug.

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