How can two days completely wear and tear me down??

by

Did you read my cute yet passive aggressive poem in the last entry?

I’m beyond being cute.

This is probably just my period, or being sleep deprived for over a year, or getting sick. But.

BUT.

I feel shit. After weeks of one miracle after another, the last two days have been like being trapped in a universe of woe. I hope to god this is teething. Or maybe just a rough transition from babyhood to toddlerhood.

Playgroup this morning was awesome, but I had staff members running the fuck around after (mainly) Snort, and other mothers grabbing Coco/Snort at various times. It took like 607 of us to keep them both alive, and that’s only a slight exaggeration.

This afternoon I ran for Snort to make sure he wasn’t eating the possibly poisonous wild mushrooms in the garden. Two seconds later I turned to encourage Coco to come to us. When she did, her mouth/cheek was smeared with mysterious berry juice of hopefully non-poison mysterious berries.

It’s a constant flood of injuries, of being pulled in two directions at once, of me feeling so. fucking. tired.

Coco is ready to drop a nap, Snort is not – so after months and months of peaceful tandem napping, I have craziness where no one is tandem napping – and in fact, everyone has new problems falling asleep.

Snort has snot running from his nose, Coco keeps falling and hurting her mouth, both spent yesterday afternoon in a complete and total meltdown. I felt RAGE at them. Wanting to smack them repeatedly rage. I even wanted to BITE Coconut in the late afternoon after she bit me.

What the fuck, people. This isn’t me.

TMD came home yesterday and I was just sitting on the couch sobbing. I then went into hospital to get some insoles fitted, and that five minutes alone in the hospital waiting room was fucking bliss. Maybe I just need a break.

I don’t get it. I feel like all my fucking smooth talk in the first year about how easy twins were has come back to bite me solidly in the ass. About six different mothers at playgroup this morning came up to me to say some variation of ‘I don’t know how you DO it with twins, I couldn’t do it, I salute you.’ I bet they all left the group wishing they would never have twins.

This makes me sad. You all know I LOVE twins.

But today? I am crying.

I am worried that my crazy lady self I had in my early twenties is coming back – where before every period I had some pretty miserable mental health probs. I was always told it would go when I had a baby – and in fact I’ve not had that problem in almost ten years. So I have to believe it’s the last week of very broken sleep.

Teething? Snort’s cold? Ingestion of poison allergy foods? Who the fuck knows.

I am so worried I can’t ‘do’ this anymore. I pray this is just that rough transition, a shitty month or two that I can laugh about in a few months down the road.

But what if I can’t? Won’t?

Crying again. Headachey.

Ugh.

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6 Responses to “How can two days completely wear and tear me down??”

  1. Natasha Says:

    I don’t know what to say other than that you CAN and will get through this rough spot. Maybe you do need a break. Are there any relatives that could have Coco and Snort for a night, or even weekend so you and TMD could spend some relaxing ‘you’ time together?

    Please don’t get upset thinking that you can’t do this anymore, stop worrying about the future – And by the way, that does sound like hormones to me, or sleep deprivation – You are a great mum and so, so full of love and easy-going-ness. The twins are probably hyper-stressy-stimulating because they are aware of your stress and that does wind them up (I say this from experience, the more laid back you are, the more laid back your babies are…). Try to relax. Maybe a break would help this as well, because you’d hopefully be relaxed and rejuvenated after a night or two off.

    Believe me. This is just a rough patch. You did well to get this far without one! Ask any mum of singletons let alone twins… I hear so many mums pulling their hair out at the first week of sleeplessness. I agree things get harder / require more time and effort with toddlerhood – babyhood was like a walk in the park for me!

    This is not crazy-lady-you (although I relate about the worry of said person entering back into one’s life….), this is sleep-deprived and possibly hormonal you. It’s a rough patch, a bump in the road.

    Give it a month, or two, and you’ll be looking back at this and maybe not laughing but so glad it was just a phase that you all came out the other side of with no harm done and all feeling like your old, cheerful, easy going selves. Trust me. This does not mean anything, does not mean you aren’t cut out for it, does not mean you don’t love your kids, does not make you any less of a mother, does not mean your babies love you less. It’s just a rough patch you need to get through and you’ll be there, on the other side, soon.

    Rest up, recuperate, take deep breaths, and remember what you’re really all about and how insignificant all this will seem in time.

    I don’t believe for a second that you will feel this way for long. You’re a great mum, but you’re human. Even the greatest mummies need a break now and again and loose their cool once in a while. Just take 5, and try not to over-analyse all this. You’re doing great, you’re just reajusting to toddlerhood, to your new-found mobility (which your kids will be clocking on to no doubt) and you need some sleep. Give it a month or two and it will all blow over xx

  2. Lara Says:

    Some stages/days are just harder than others I think. There are days I feel like I can’t do it anymore. Those are the days that Eric better not be a minute late or I’m getting out my resume!
    There are days where, although I’m not suggesting I would do this, I can see how people walk out the door and walk away.
    It’s trying and it wears you down.
    You need to forgive yourself when you feel that way and not necessarily assume it’s something bigger than you just had a fucking bad day.
    And then, if you’re me, you work on strategies. It sounds like you’re a bit more mobile? If you can get out and do things – go for walks, get people to help you, etc, I find that really helps.
    And it does get better. People have promised me! 🙂

    Also, it took me awhile but I finally have the babies tandem napping again most days for their one nap a day. you’ll get there

  3. Sara Says:

    Our local (in Canada) Parents of Multiples support group has a volunteer section, where people experienced with multiples will help out for a few hours here and there in your home. Might be worthwhile checking to see if you have that kind of support in your area, and get somebody in so that you can have a break now and then. Time off works wonders, and you are doing an amazing job, but nobody can keep up that kind of pace without getting stressed. Take care of yourself, you fabulous multiple mom! xo

  4. Kara Says:

    I feel this way right now too, with my singleton. S is just…everywhere, all at once, all of the time, and I am sucking miserably at being a mom. I feel that rage sometimes too. Okay, confession: I did hit her once. I smacked her hands (not hard, but hard enough) when she kept dumping her milk everywhere and throwing all her food on the floor, and you know what she did? She looked at me, stared at me for 30 seconds…then said her babbly little form of ‘gentle’ (which sounds a bit like ‘dental’) and softly stroked my face. I felt SO EFFING GUILTY I cannot even explain to you!!! And you know, the thing is, she is NOT THAT HARD so I dunno what the hell my problem is. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I’m struggling so much with this transition from baby to toddler-hood (S is 14 months and just learning to walk) and I am afraid it will never get better, too 😦

  5. Christy Says:

    You are a rock star and I’m sure you will be fine. It hard whenever our kiddos start on a new phase and I’m sure with twins it would be four times as hard. I have a manta (I guess you could call it) that I think to myself when I’m starting something new and having a hard time “in three months everything will be fine” and it usually is.
    Just know that you aren’t alone and you are loved.

  6. Lauren Says:

    Sounds like you need a break. Like a once a week slot that you can count on for some YOU time. It’s not a lot to ask.

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