Guest post, you ungrateful humans. Kow tow NOW.

by

I am writing this all with my right hand, as the other cradles Coconut. I feel normal again today.

The last two days of awfulness? All me. The babies weren’t doing anything differently – changing Snort’s nappy is always like wrestling a rhino, and Coconut is always a writhing hyper girl before naps.

I’ve come to believe…wait, what the, get the fuck away from me, you little freak!!

Hi! I’m Pooh!
It’s a pleasure to meet you. Did you know I am capable of causing the downfall of society? I will crush anyone who gets in my way. Hee hee! Let’s be friends!

My best friend is Coconut. She keeps me tethered to this family I live with, but that doesn’t mean I can’t practice my domineering skills here. Take Coconut, for example – or more specifically, her mama.

If I hide somewhere her mama cannot find me, Coconut gets too lonely to sleep. Hell, that’s the reason she went crazy yesterday!!! MUHAHAHA.

Generally, though, I don’t like hurting my best friend’s feelings too much. She is nice to me, though it’s no picnic lugging around wet tags – she likes sucking my ass….I mean, my tags.

But I control everyone in this place.

I pick the tv shows we watch.

I subjugate all the other animals. This purple bunny is a real pain in my ass because Coconut likes him a lot. I waited till she was sleeping yesterday and showed that motherfucker who is BOSS!

Having no legs does not disadvantage me in any way, and you don’t hear me moaning about it. It means I get whole body hugs when Coco holds me…unless she is holding one of my arms and sucking her thumb. She likes that.

I think she is my girlfriend!!

Anyway, I got my own ride. I cruise this joint and make sure no countermovements for control are starting up.

Check this shit out – my ride is sweeeeeeeeeeet.

I certainly don’t take any of this for granted, though I won’t deny a certain sense of entitlement. I’ll explain more about that in a minute.

But first, you see that Mama lady needs to be crushed. Coco cuddles her entirely too much, and all threats must be neutralized. She complains about writing an entry with one hand?? Bitch, I’m like a living pogo stick hopping around this keyboard and typing with my ASS.

Anyway, word to the wise: i shall inherit this earth. I have links with the Mayans and am humanity’s only tenuous link to possible salvation come to 2012.

What, you want proof?

I vibrate on a higher PLANE, people.

So keep me sweet if you wanna be Saved. I can destroy you.

Or even worse, I can stop your child from napping as you frantically throw aside other toys, pillows, blankets, EVERYTHING in your utter desperation to find me.

Your baby loves me, so you must love me too.

End of.

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3 Responses to “Guest post, you ungrateful humans. Kow tow NOW.”

  1. bellygirls Says:

    Hilarious! I never knew Pooh like that before!

  2. PottyMouthMommy Says:

    That Pooh is evil… he must be dest…. I mean… we should all bow down to the glorious Pooh… with no legs…. Maybe if someone sewed him some legs he’d be less megalomaniacal evil dictator Pooh and more sweet like hunny Pooh…

    I seriously can’t believe I said Pooh that many times in one (run-on) sentence… gawd I need sleep!!!

  3. Darlene Says:

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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