Deep thoughts, by Jack Handy…I mean, me.


Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t the Jehovah’s Witnesses believe there are only 144,000 places in heaven?

If that is so, why do they keep going around trying to convert people? Because surely every person converted is one less chance for they, themselves, to get into heaven.

If I was the Queen of that religion, I would stop all this door-to-door shit. Especially the older people walking around in this heat, that ain’t right, yo. Then the next thing I would  do would be to start kicking people out for minor infringements.

You know, those who had Bibles older than, say, 5 years. (I would also possibly start my own Bible printing company.) Those who were still trying to convert others on the sly. Hell no!

The more people I could get out, the closer my name would be to the top of that 144,000. Because, let’s face it, the world has been around a long time and there have surely been some deserving people. The number of available slots must be decreasing.

Now, on the other hand, I would not want to be a minion. Queen or nothing. Because there must have been an awful lot of the old JW through the years, and clearly just being in the gang does not ensure your ass is going above the clouds when you die.

This has been a public service announcement.


2 Responses to “Deep thoughts, by Jack Handy…I mean, me.”

  1. A Handy Transplanting Council | Garden Landscaping Says:

    […] Deep thoughts, by Jack Handy…I mean, me. « existere (latin): to … […]

  2. catsandcradles Says:

    I have wondered about this more than once myself. Also, Calvinist religions in general, what with the whole predestination thing. I mean, if it’s already decided who is going to heaven, why would you bother, say, going to church? It wouldn’t make a difference anyway.

    I have a friend who’s parents apparently were converted by the door-to-door JWs, and consequently kicked her out of the house in high school, when she came out. I don’t think they’ve spoken in the decade-plus since. She left the church, so she is officially dead to them, and my understanding is that they can be excommunicated if they contact her. I cannot fathom joining a religion that would make me deny my own child that way, and my (impending) child is currently the size of a sesame seed.

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