Butterfly donations welcome here.

by

As skeptical as I am about hippy dippy things, I am also drawn to them.

When we were starting the IVF journey, I bought a fertility necklace. I kept this on from the first shot until 2 hours before the delivery of our babies. Do I believe a piece of jewelery is the reason we got pregnant? No. Do I think it helped me remain positive? Yes.

Out of nowhere I have decided to adopt the butterfly as my current symbol. Mil sent us some vests in the mail, and Coconut’s were adorned with all sorts of butterflies. I thought, Yeah. Butterflies.

Now, my previous entry (written about an hour ago) tells more than just about my medical, uh, prognosis. What is going on. I believe it says a lot more – look at the title. ‘Probably not worth a read’ ??’ The entry is also negative through and through. I refuse to be a person who subverts all her real feelings in an attempt to be positive at all costs.

I believe remaining positive, holding hope, is very important.  That being said, so is recognizing how you are feeling and expressing it. I don’t know if I am heading toward depression. I think I am merely experiencing the appropriate reaction for what is, essentially, an unappropriate and unnatural (to me) experience. The normal, expected response to becoming disabled so young – and from such a lovely thing as pregnancy – is crying. It is feeling despair. It is being overwhelmed.

Unfortunately, these emotions have been taking over. While they were once little storm clouds, they seem to be massing together into a more powerful force.

So, the butterfly.

Last summer I lived on the couch. I spent a lot of time looking out the window. There were four impossibly white and fluttery butterflies I watched (yes, I sound like an 80 year old woman. YOU live on the couch for 8 months and let’s see what ends up entertaining you) every day. They were the first thing I looked for. It was always sunny, and so blooming hot, but those butterflies swooped and explored and generally hung out. (Then my cat killed one, but we’ll leave that aside for the moment.)

Butterflies are free. They can move up, down, sideways. They take their environment – breezes, leaves, whatever – and use it to their advantage. I want to be like that.

I used to say I just wanted to be able to walk again, to live a normal life. I still want that. But right now I want to be able to get through one single day doing all the things that are necessary to care for two (almost!) nine month old babies. Sitting on the floor to play. Preparing solid meals. Being able to get up and make a bottle without crying from the pain of it. If I can’t do these simple things, life really is limited.

I guess I am getting used to a housebound life – I have been for 18 months now. And how hellish is it to know my healthy babies are housebound too, when Snort wants to go outside so badly. They should be going on walks and playing outside. But a life where even within these walls I have difficulty coping? No.

Just like that fertility necklace I had, that gave me such hope in its symbolism and comforting solid presence (I played with it endlessly throughout the whole process of getting and staying pregnant), I now need a new symbol in my life. Butterflies run the risk of being tacky, but I don’t really give a fuck if I look like a 14 year old girl.

I need some solid reminders, some visuals, of what I am aiming for. Things that I can look at when I am feeling – well, like I feel right now. I don’t feel super. And I’m not talking about the pain. I am emotionally very shaky and have been for the past two weeks. It’s not improving. So if I need to employ an artificial symbol, imbue it with meaning, and have it hanging around to remind me that hope IS worth having, I need to.

Only problem is that I own nothing with butterflies on it. Ha.

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3 Responses to “Butterfly donations welcome here.”

  1. Diane Says:

    Please don’t beat yourself up because you think your children are being deprived. You are giving them so much love. They really will be just fine.

    Much love to you all. I’ll think of you when I see butterflies.

  2. PottyMouthMommy Says:

    Quite frankly, I think you’re a trooper for holding on to your positivity as well as you have. You inspire me when I start feeling sorry for myself being stuck on the couch. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through, and I know that the physical pain is only a small part of it. It breaks my heart to think that there isn’t anything I can do except come here and comment and let you know that I’m here listening when you are sad/mad (and when you’re not) and praying for you. (in my own kinda f’ed up non-religious way…)

  3. Mary Beth Says:

    I hope you wake up to a good day with a huge drop in pain. you are doing a great job as a mom! I am going to be on the look out for something with a butterfly for you.

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