Chronic, longterm SPD.

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TMD had to stay home from work today, as I dissolved into a puddle of tears on the couch this morning. My SPD is always, always worst when I am tired (check) and just before my period (check). I didn’t want her to stay home, to ‘waste’ a day of leave on me sleeping and in pain. I knew that while the day would be hard, we would get through. Because that’s what I do, even on the most painful of days: I get through.

Sometimes I leave the room the babies are in and have a quick cry, wiping my face off before coming back in to kiss their heads.

Today I was sort of high pitched wailing, but Coco looked over with such concern on her little face. Oh, I do love them.

TMD was also in tears.

I don’t mean to whine, just to chronicle what life is like when you have been essentially housebound – couchbound – for over a year. My babies are over 8 months old, and I have been sitting or lying in this lounge since I was 19 weeks pregnant. My SPD started when I was around 10 weeks pregnant.

The Osteo said something along the lines of that she would bet her professional reputation on the fact that my SPD got so severe, and developed so early, because I was run over in pregnancy. She says I probably would have still developed it, but a milder, friendly version much later in pregnancy. Remember how I didn’t sue the guy because I felt it was enough that my babies were okay? Now I wished I’d taken him to the fucking cleaners, I tell you.

So now there is extreme guilt mixed in with everything else. Like this is my fault. MORE my fault than if I’d just had an unruly body. My fault because I saw a pedestrian crossing and chose to just nip straight across the road. TMD says this is the sort of thing people in that city do dozens of times a day without even thinking about it and I was just unlucky. I believe her, but still think, ‘I did this to myself.’ Of course, I had the help of my motorbike driving friend.

At any rate, I went back to bed and sort of passed out into a weird stupor for three hours. Feeling better now. Physically and emotionally.

I know someone who has had SPD for like 14 years. Kids, let’s all hope that if you’re still reading my blog 12 years from now (!), all this SPD stuff is just a long distant memory.

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5 Responses to “Chronic, longterm SPD.”

  1. Skeet Says:

    I’m so sorry you’re having such a rubbish time but please don’t blame yourself for the SPD. TMD is right. I lived off that road for 2.5 years and cannot tell you how many times I darted across the road. You were very very unlucky. It could have happened to any one of us. Blaming yourself is not going to get you all healed up, only the opposite. Hindsight wisdom is of no use. I think that given how much you’ve gone through, you’ve earned the right to ‘whine’ about your situation. I also believe that in another 12 years from now you will have adolescents running around and the SPD will definitely be a distant memory.

  2. Katie B. Says:

    *hugs* I’m grateful that my SPD is so much less than yours.. but at six weeks pregnant, I’m already having more issues than when not pregnant. I’m *really* not looking forward to what the rest of this pregnancy wll be like in that regard.

  3. Jennie Says:

    If good will and wishes would do it, you wouldn’t even have had to suffer during pregnancy, let alone this far afterwards. Love you, I really hope (again!) that the various medical bods can find some sort of a workable cure solution for you which will drastically improve your mobility etc, and very soon. xx

  4. catsandcradles Says:

    *hugs*

  5. Helen Says:

    Get it sorted, take notice don’t over do it. Get a manipulation physio. I have had it for 13 years. It is getting worse not better and I have had 2 back surgeries related to it as well. Take note. The doctors still can’t find anything wrong with my pelvis though!!!

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