The one where I help the Swedish Chef brave the stormy seas of romance.


I need a handy dandy action plan.

Those of you who commented on my earlier post – either here or on Twitter – you have swayed me. I decided to go along with TMD and get an IKEA couch. Who said blog commenters can’t impact on your life, eh? But the sad, sad shame: IKEA has every sort of the bourka-bourka couch online except the one colour we want.

TMD was like, no probs. We will order the white couch (gasp!) and the slip covers in the colour we want. It’s actually cheaper that way. I also pointed out that we could then tye dye the white covers – and no lie, we actually planned to do this. Till we found out that the colour slipcovers we want are not online, either. Apparently everything was in stock last week when she conceived of the great couch buying plan of 2010, so  it’s my fault for being all indecisive.

We may now be buying a couch with a large pattern of flower shaped things; I believe this is the couchie-wouchie bourgie bourgie sort.

In addition to couch debates, we are also discussing the possibility of TMD taking a large chunk of time off work so that our focus can be on me healing. She would do the bulk of the baby work, while I would swim a few times a week, continue osteo, and perhaps slowly work in walks again. And rest. Lots and lots of rest. The main problem here is that the leave would need to be unpaid.

I also feel guilty, like I am making TMD look like a jackass at work. She’s got a pretty important job, and she has to leave early all the time because of her broken wife and eczema covered kids.

Add this discussion to the couch one in The Pot Of Possibility, and perhaps you will end up with some Satisfactory Stew.

(I have my iPod on shuffle, and a Jordan Knight song just came on. Not the good giving-it-to-you and making-you-nice-and-wet one, but some piece of shite I swear I’ve never heard before, and I pray I never hear again.)

Next up: I figure I need a diversion away from my self-pity and pain – a distraction other than Farmville, I mean. Yes, I have decided to cook myself up a little day job….in addition to my other day job of looking after two six month olds by myself. Mama gonna write a romance novel. Yes, really.

I have already thought about using my porn star name to publish under, because I think I would like to keep my real name clear of this sort of writing credit. That being said, I imagine this could be a fun little ditty; I do not want to write a pretend literary piece of chick lit, I want to write a skinny little book with airbrushed Fabios on the cover. 50,000 words of feel good. This is a short word count in the grand scheme of things, but still long enough to make me feel good when I finish it. I plan to publish a pink romance novel, not a blue or purple one (points to you if you know the colour code).

I read a lot of romance novels. Some have good storylines. Some are even written well. A lot make me laugh out loud and read portions to TMD so that we can both gag and roll our eyes. I enjoy reading them, why not enjoy writing them? Hopefully writing in a totally mediocre fashion is as easy as it appears.

I figure this will give me something to do, as well as having the side benefit of helping break my paralizing view towards writing anything unless it is The World’s Greatest Novel That Will Endure For Eternity. Less pressure, you see

TMD is doubtful; she thinks I am too highbrow. Granted, she may have a point. I want the main character to have a name that is a shortening of a famous psychotherapist’s name – but as I pointed out to her, I don’t plan to burden overworked and under-happy housewives with that info. It’s just for me, her, and you.

Couches,  becoming poor(er) and healing, rampant heterosexuality. I think I covered all the salient points.

Note: This post was all funny and well written, and then it got swallowed up by the unforgiving internet, and I was too tired to try to replicate it. This is phase one of lowering my expectations, heroes and heroines.

I now need to go to bed, sliding between the sheets – the fabric rough on my breasts, causing my nipples to stiffen. Etc etc.



5 Responses to “The one where I help the Swedish Chef brave the stormy seas of romance.”

  1. Gliding through motherhood Says:

    LOL That last line really did have me chuckling out loud. I love romance novels and I totally think you should give it a shot! 🙂
    Resting and taking it easy is good. Finding a way to do that is good, be it TMD taking a leave, or as I think you mentioned in a previous post – a nanny. The faster you can get better (overdoing it won’t get you there) the faster you can get back to caring for the babes on your own.

  2. catsandcradles Says:

    Dude, I will totally beta-read your trashy romance novel, should you so desire. (I’m a pretty decent editor, if I do say so myself, although I must admit that I don’t know the romance color code. I can guess at pink and blue, but purple… Well, I can guess at that, but I have no idea how accurate I may or may not be.)

    As far as TMD taking a leave goes… unpaid sucks, but if she taking a chunk of time now so that she can help you recover may save her from having to be absent erratically for a longer period. I would suggest the MIL idea you mentioned, but I from what you’ve written before, I’m afraid the mental/emotional stress might be worse than the physical stress.

  3. Tatiana Says:

    There’s an audience for “high brow” romance novels. Also, I think they’re a totally great way to make money, something I’ve considered quite a lot myself.

    I do not think that TMD should take a chunk of unpaid leave like this. I think you guys are really not in a situation where that’s reasonable, unless you have some sort of huge nest egg. Isn’t there anywhere you could go swimming that would also offer child care? I suppose then the issue is getting to where you want to be…. I dunno…

  4. Kate Says:

    I took a lit class in college with a girl who used to post BDSM erotica on the class online discussion board. She was always going on about how she was writing “literary” BDSM erotica, and that’s why it was relevant to the discussion. The teacher agreed with her and encouraged her to post her stories- it turned into us watching their therapy session. Anyway, she was convinced she was writing the Great American Romance Novel; it occurred to me that, while she wasn’t writing it, could such a thing be written? What would the difference be?

    I think you might actually be uniquely qualified to write such a thing, if it could exist.

  5. Christy Says:

    I would totally read your romance novel. When I was single I read a lot of really bad one, I had to give them up once I got together with Waldo, they were just too silly.

    I know it would be very hard to be without a paycheck but maybe it would be best if TMD took some time off so you could heal.

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