Anyone know a local counsellor who does home visits?

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Woke up this morning feeling a bit more hopeful. The world is sunshiney, Coconut gasped with delight and reached and downed more yogurt than you can imagine, I got to sit up and hold Snort – fed him, then held him while he napped.

Unfortunately, as a result of sitting up, my back fucking snapped in half again. Gone was the idea of going to the library (I read four books yesterday during my confinement), of going to look for a new sofa. TMD is leaving now with the babies to do some stuff with them, and once again I am left behind in bed.

If I was choosing to have some sort of lazy weekend, I would probably really enjoy this time. But I feel some choice is being taken away from me.

I also feel like my body has betrayed me.

First, I couldn’t breastfeed. I am still upset about this, think about it every single day.

Next, this recent snap was due to some tandem babywearing. The idea of wearing even one baby at the minute is a bit of a laugh, considering I can’t walk without crutches or sit without pain.

What next? My ultimate fear: deciding not to have another baby, because I just can’t do this again.

I feel like I have been brave and strong, and I still am, but also it would be a lie to say I don’t feel a big fear: what if I am disabled for the rest of my life? What if I cave in and get another wheelchair because it’s just easier? What if I never get to go on long walks with my family next summer, a baby on each of our backs, sun in our hair, laughing?

What if this is it?

I want to say what if it isn’t, what if I heal, I know I am improving, this is just a temporary setback. But I’ve had this ‘little problem’ for a year now, more than a year.

The emotional pain is worse than the physical, and that’s saying quite a lot because I hurt like a motherfucker.

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8 Responses to “Anyone know a local counsellor who does home visits?”

  1. Mammapie Says:

    I know from your words you’re having a dreadful time. I can hear how emotionally upset you are about yourphysical pain. You’re working hard to be a wonderful mamma and you’re pushing yourself beyond what you can physically do now. You have birth to two gorgeous babies, it follows that your recovery will be rougher than that of many of us singleton mammas. Your body will heal if you don’t shut down mentally. Try to stay optimistic. I have a feeling that ‘better!!!!!!’ days are just around the corner.
    Hugs,
    mammapie

  2. Gliding through motherhood Says:

    Poor poor you. I wish I had something more helpful to say than “I hope you feel better soon”. Take as much joy as you can from your beautiful children and believe that it isn’t forever.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Didn’t want to read and run.. am hoping you begin to feel better soon…

  4. Kristin Craig Lai Says:

    I’m so sorry that it’s so rough for you right now. It’s terrible when you feel like you’re body has betrayed you. I know you’re title may have been facetious but there are conselors and therapists that do e-therapy or teletherapay. If you really feel like you need that kind of support see if you can find an e-therapist that you feel comfortable with. Other than that, stick with us, this is one of those times when the internet is truly a blessing.

    *hug *

  5. catsandcradles Says:

    *hugs*

    I don’t know that I really have much else useful to say, although I wish I did. I do send my best wishes for a quick recovery.

    The thing I always find, when I’m sick or injured, is that while I know that there was a time before I felt this awful, and I have every reason to believe that there will be a time after when I won’t feel this awful, it’s hard to actually imagine. So, I guess the only thing I can say is to try to trust that it will get better eventually, hard as that may be to fathom just at the moment. That, and more *hugs*.

  6. Christy Says:

    I’m chiming in on the *hug* wagon. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

    I don’t even know what to say but I’m so sorry. Don’t beat yourself up for the breastfeeding. That doesn’t work for a lot of people. But you know what, I am totally a hypocrite for saying this because when I thought that I might have to give up breastfeeding I was so upset. I was upset just at the thought, I can only imagine how hard it would have hit me if I actually had to do it. You not only have the breastfeeding but everything else going on right now. I just want to cry for you. You are my hero though. You deal with so much crap and keep going.

    Loves!

  7. saralema Says:

    😦

    I read in a book that, in regards to baby weight, it took nine months to put it on, and you should allow yourself nine months to get it off. I think this definitely applies to your body healing. I have not known a set of twins born at such healthy sizes. You and your body kicked ass protecting and growing Coconut and Snort during pregnancy. Although you feel that your body is betraying you, perhaps, as frustrating as it is, it needs to be given a break, at least until May(the twin’s 9 month birthday).

    Oh, and Mammapie is a wise, wise, woman.

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